"Last Dance"

[Tragedian.]

The Last Dance
By: Dj...

Slowly getting anxious, explore the image in the mirror, it’s faceless
Losing patience, soar as I start to wonder more … why, create it
At war, against my own, fighting my weakness, I’m speechless
Half of me tightly left into pieces, trying my best to defeat this
Stuck on her features, wanted to teach her how to be romantic
Can’t stand it, in pain her beauty flowing through my brain, its frantic
Behind me, emotions are tangled; dangled, I some how remain calm
My hearts trapped, wrapped…applying pressure, as it sits in her palms
It’s the night before prom; I’m dressed in my best, and so very excited
Can’t rest, flooding with stress, want to surprise chick, make her delighted
She offers to dance, knowing it’s my chance; mind blocked by shock I accept
My hand on her waist, stand in place, heart speeding like a race, Feeling inept
Rain & thunder, to kiss her, I’m craving with hunger, my heart skips a beat
To please her lips, I’ll paint ships & portraits; she stares with a look of discreet

‘What’s wrong babe, you look a bit upset…
…this was all a big prank; you’re nothing but a pet’

My world stops the beats of my heart drop and get weak, I can’t speak
I’m shattered, just been battered, after time went by she was all I seek
Tears start to leek, after the pain it takes, my body shakes, and I shiver
Turn to a whole, soul less figure, all the joy & happiness I tried to deliver
Lost all hope, grab tools & rope, after today it was time for the bitch to pay
Missions to cause harm, grab her arms, throw her in the back & drive away
Top of the hill, near an old mill…grab the knife, slit down her wrist, ‘Bleed’
Rub blood on my face; taken to an imaginary place, ‘take me please!’ I plead
Cover her eyes, give her a faint kiss, lost in bliss & blisters…I whisper in her ear
Forgetting who I am, I’m in heaven then I hear my name…’Daniel wake up dear’

‘…It seems it was all a dream; I wipe the tears off my face
That last chance for the dance was still a hell of a better place…’

...

[Tragedian.]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=328190
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=327794
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...45#post5549445

All links will be hit.

[Laureate]

First Part:
Though a lot of the lines were too long and carried on with an overly abundant ammount of syllables. See,ed you tried to cram too many rhymes into each line in an effort to have multis and internals, but all it did was stretch your lines...Rhyming was boring and uncreative, nothing interesting and the flow when read outloud was repetative, few grammitical/punctuation errors

Second Part:
Again watch your grammar in your first line, lines are a little better here, rhyming is better also, emotion is your strongpoint in this part, hate the ending, dream stories are whack and uncreative, it's like a writers easy way out when they can't think of a good ending, it can work sometime but it didn't here


Overall This was pretty unimaginative and mostly boring, nothing caught my attention, the wording and rhyming didn't hold me, and nothing stood out. I know you can do better

[Tragedian.]

...

Rise.

[Mariah]

This was just one of those decent pieces. Not very creative as far as story goes, but the wording was nice. The emotion was the biggest part of the piece and there spurtz of imagery throughout the piece. Very played topic, but you kinda made it a bit more personal, so it was a little more interesting as far as that goes. Overall, I'd say try to move up in concept originality because it seems as though you ALWAYS do an emotional or love story-type piece and it makes things uninteresting from you. all in all, cool piece, just a bit too simple of a topic. Keep writing and have fun!

-Mariah

[NuTsAcK]

though i have to sadly disagree with Laureate. the rhyming wasnt boring and uncreative. maybe in the first bar and some other bars (but not all) seemed a little forced with multis. he could read it outload all he wants and could sound repetative, few grammitical/punctuation errors... but thats really not something you can judge against (no offense to him). its like hearing Chino XL and then hearing Eminem.. saying they sound the same..... i think your rhyme scheme was okay. well its very creative and at some point emotional. i dont know if they were quotes you used from a writer or if you wrote those. if they came from a writer i think it'd actually make this piece a little more unique.. i do agree with Laureate when he says dream stories is like an easy way out with writers. overall that doesnt mean a piece cant be labeled as "dope". you did an incredible job, man..

[Paperback]

I have to say this was an average work of writing and it was just boring to me,
Not saying this was bad, Cause it was far from it
But I just found it real boring to keep pace
The rhyme scheme and the imagery was all average to me
But the content was just boring bro`
Maybe it's just not my cup of tea`
Not bad at all though
Keep up the good work bro`
Peace`


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=328001

[Resistance]

I Dissagree W/ Laurette, And Mariah, This Was A Very Enjoyable Piece, Very Nice Piece, If It Had A Nice Picture, It Would've been much more Better.

It Was All Around Very Good, The 3 Parts We're Very Impeccable, And A Good Piece, To Read Over, And Over Again. I Understand The Words, And Metaphors You Use, As Our styles are almost the same, but you still have a little more experiance then me, i just started writing, but i'm still up there. So overall, keep doing what you do, and keep going on your path to success, you'll definately be an Hof Writer, Because this wasn't your best, but i've seen your best, definately have. So keep up the great work, and hit up sig, and vote, and i'll rtf in the future.
-Theory.

[Tragedian.]

Thanks.

[HighEngineChief]

I liked this piece, thought it could have had more complex vocab but it was simply dope, no pun intended. The content was on point and the flow was real smooth. You can really tell you've been doin this awhile.
Keep droppin and I'll keep readin

Check out my OM and tell me ehat u think
it's on the first page

One

[Tim]

this topic has been done before and you took an average approach to it. I liked the way it came out in the end but like Laur sayed some of the wording seemed out of place just rhyming words to ryhme them. Yes i have the same problem too so no hate just showing a flaw but other then that the content and overal flow to it worked so cool

[Tragedian.]

thanks.

[PARKWAY]

THIS HAS TO BE ONE OF THE BEST PIECE I'VE READ VERY NICE WORD PLAY AND SPELLIN VERY NICE U KEEP DOIN IT U BE SOME WHERE BIG ONLY A YOUNG BUCK KEEP YOUR HEAD UPhttp://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=328541........................... ...............................

[Verb]

yea thats agreeable... good verse, it was a little unspoken for me, i like more indepth less punch, but o well, good shit...