Cigarette Faith

[Spoken]

Cigarette Faith

I have stumbled across
A hidden pleasure
That lays deep
Within your sole presence,
Day by day
I grew a follicle relationship
With your own lips and mine,
Together we glide
High in the clouds of grey and white
Hunger my lust
And starve my cravings
I grow an appetite for
Your own beauty of touch

I have stumbled across
A hidden attraction
That falls into my hands
Crucially I crush my heart
One puff at a time
I push my pellicle shell
To remain still for one second
ONE
Then my eyes shut
As the paper decays from
The noose of ashes being dumped

“I got a love Jones, for your body
And your skin tone”

I frame my dividend motion
And notion a ocean to crash
Splash waterfalls
Down your bank stream
And mirror your actions
With your personality
I like how you make me feel
Somewhat wanted and delighted
I also like how
You caress my lips and mind
With your clouds of joy


Your smell chases me…
From sunrise to sundown
Haunting yet taunting
…. with such laughter and a smile
ARGH this burdened pressure
Settles in with a migraine
I can’t take this anymore
I got have you PLEASE!
Understand this urgency
Please deliver the deed
I melt slowly
In remorse off this Jones
I crave for a cloud of joy
That lies deep within your body
Slit my lungs clean
Just to drag for another draft
I art a craft…
For my lips to engulf you’re body
Box my eyes closed
To keep such thoughts away
Slay these demons please…
Make them all go away
I shiver from Mr. Jones
And shake from within my bones
My heart is iterated but its gets blacker than before
This pain is too strong to fight
I white flag the army of nicotine
As I place her down slowly
The men in white place me with handcuffs
I am sentenced to rehab
For a yearning to decay
So that I can one day breathe the right way

Please accept my apology…

[Constance]

I'll edit in feed tommorow....

[vocabz]

very touching piece, man... this is how i feel about cigarettes and my pot..*wondering whats up with you and Philly having the same Topic* Its not that it really matters... either way.. this held alot of emotion and craving.. vocab was decent.. its pretty unique how you ended it.. long but fuck was worth the read... i plan on seein' more from you soon.. stay active.. its good to see people who've been here awhile dropping again.. -one-

[Laureate]

Some parts I really liked, some parts I thought were a bit off.

This was very poetic, very smooth. the lines
"As the paper decays from
The noose of ashes being dumped"
Was dope as shit, liked the image it provided and the wording you used.
The lines
"I also like how
You caress my lips and mind
With your clouds of joy"
Seemed off though, mainly because of the set up "I also like", when read it sounds out of place and awkward, the wording is different than the rest of your poem.
Also the word "ARGH" just made me laugh, also seemed out of place in the context of this poem.
Overall though I thought this was wonderfully written. Mostly very nice elements throughout.

Please take the time and peep http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=328370

[Spoken]

will do sir. thanks for your appreciation on reading my work thank you..

now i will RTF.

[Freeney]

I thought this piece was pretty cool, being a smoker myself i understood everything you were saying, it actually reminded me of a documentary on Huey P. Newton I seen a couple weeks ago, i dont know why but i like the documentary so thats a good thing, i loved how descriptive you were with it and how it seemed like a relationship sort of, i thought that was a cool approach or angle to tackle this with....overall an enjoying read since i can relate to it......

hit my piece up now dude.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=328600

[Masahiko.]

Though it was predictable where you were going with this, It still wasn't a bad read, parts I thought were good, and other parts made the poem hiccup. I think the voabualry was ok, and the structure was creative, and it flowed well with the piece, you need to work on consistancy within your poems, you'll have great lines followed by some lines that in a nice way: are not so great. Work on that.

[Spoken]

thanks people appreciate the feed.

willl RTF.

[Kaotic Theory]

dude i agree with laur some very dope imagery and wording in this but there were a couple areas such as the argh lol and the i also like kida ish through off the flow and shit you feel.....but the imagery period was fucking dope dude no bullshit i honestly can say beside the few areas where you had shit that didnt belong....it was one of your best pieces dude...i think though you shouldn't try so hard to force shit or make shit flow dude because naturally these days your very skilled at the poetry area that if you just let it flow you digg it would come out way smoother and better....
now other than that as a problem/ you are great dude i loved this piece lines like these were nice
''''I crave for a cloud of joy
That lies deep within your body
Slit my lungs clean
Just to drag for another draft
I art a craft… ''''
cool easy emotion in this didn't need to much for this piece, because your imagery and dope wording besides acouple error's took well care of this pieces potential...lol nice read dude.
very nice drop

[Spoken]

thanks man i appreciate the time you took to feed on this.

[Poeta Demonio]

Okay, some good some not so good... Once again i like your style, simplictic yet able to drag imagery out damn well, some of the lines were a little, how should i say, errm, not neded, such as 'A hidden attraction
That falls into my hands' The imagery was alreadty strong enough and i've noticed you have a tendancy to over describe, to em that takes away the element of some things being left to the imagination, such as it's alot more powerful in a film to not show the killing, as what is going on is left to the mind, therefor creates an eary feeling. But you seemed to handle your own in this piece, you took the topic well as could be expected, not original in the way you went with the topic, but how you wrote it was as i said, unique, as always. You did make it your own, which ofcourse, is always important when writing. The ending part i don't believe it was a literal 'rehabilation' i believe that was merely a metaphor for quitting of your own accord, hence the reason you appologised for almost leaving your personified 'friend'... nice touch, Another part i found interesting, was the noose part, it was a nice way of ecplaining it, good word choice there, it brought out a sense that your 'friend' is also your enemy, and ofcourse that was in reference to the fact smoking kills. Plus i noticed a few contradictions in your piece that i think were deliberate such as 'slit my lungs clean' a nesgative word followed by a possative word, i liked that, it was a subtle yet influential line for me, probably one of the key lines actually. I don't think you should have gone with the 'please leave me' part, it kind of threw me, as the emotion of the piece changed too quickly then reverted back to a calm almost letter form, i mean maybe you ment to make that effect, but personally that didn't grasp me too much, where as after that part when you reverted back to the original feel and tone of the piece it had a very nice voice in it, first person, yet abstracted to almost feel as if it's various characters speaking, through the wording of the latter parts. The quotations set it off qwell aswell, once again it brought a new feel to the piece, a feel of passion, which seemed sureal as the piece went on, which added tto the abstract feel of the piece, and made me smile a few times aswell. at times it almost seemed comical, not in a deliberate way, yet a subtle way, mainly the mr jones parts, as it felt semi sarcastic and over exadurated, which deliberate or not, set it off well. Taking into consideration that you didn't take that mkuch time on this piece, i think you have a pretty decent piece here man and i hope this is sufficient ammount of feed as i think it deserves a proper break down and a real look into the meanings of the lines, very nice piece and thanks for the read. Oh and final point, if you can try to make your next piece a little more subtle, such as tone it down a little, to almsot make the imagery fade into the background and bring out the storyline a little more, that way your readers can see that you can vary your styles to fit the feeling of the piece.

Drop feed on my newest piece 'the colours of life'

Thanks.

[Spoken]

definatly the best feed i have ever gotten cus you broke it down nicely man...damn thanks po..appreciate it very much for i shall RTF...thanks again mate.