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Thread: Innocence?

  1. #1
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Innocence?

    The mind is a strange thing, patterned with feelings
    Layered with rage, as thoughts splatter the ceiling
    Battered and bleeding, from years of negligence
    My intelligence is going through a renaissance
    Now provide your analysis, show me your thoughts
    Throw me to god, let him repair me……I’m flawed

    For I once was a thinker, at one with my mind
    I moved on with society, while that tumbled behind
    Mentally blind, my wit withers and dies
    amongst flittering eyes, women and clothes
    Cars, athletes, football, swimmers, and boats
    Winters are cold, but my heart keeps thumping
    Three tickets were sold, the guitar keeps strumming
    I’m off my seat jumping, amalgamated faces in a blur
    Car races in the ‘burbs, we’re wasters smoking herbs

    Is this my life? Puberty has passed, lost in the past
    No riposte and no laugh , I feel sad and lost on this path
    The spot on the map, of my minds eye, leads to anguish
    My life is a plane and I need it landed
    Can’t you see I’m vanquished?

    Heart beats in the distance, heart beat in my chest
    Do I live for myself, or live for the rest?
    The death of society, is our need to mature, we’re torn
    For none is more innocent, than one recently born

    Insolent, belligerent, ignorant, but vigilant
    Choked in paranoia, my soul’s a refrigerant
    Childhood is bliss, innocence at it’s pinnacle
    But now I feel, old, worn, and hypocritical
    I remember my friends, the beach, the toys
    As I chill to an old record from the beastie boys
    My influence, the path I chose to lead, they revealed
    As my heart broke away, tore, and gradually pealed

    I decided to write this, while I can
    Life, our existence, this whole world, is a scam
    We’re hurtfully bland, cursed on this land
    Children are peaceful, so live in bliss when you can
    Because there is no such thing as ‘The Innocent Man’

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  2. #2
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Last edited by Witty; January 12th, 2007 at 01:21 PM

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    24 x OM Hall Of Fame

  3. #3

    Re: Innocence?

    wow.. wit, this is that next level that you haven't been able to reach in previous om's. to me before, all of your pieces were nice to read, but there was no true depth for me beyond the surface value. there was a bit of awkward wording, and some forced rhymes, but still.. the content was just powerful to me. also, I'm not a fan of breaking every line with cama like you did, I've always felt that it breaks down fluency in the piece but with this I was so focused on the contectual aspect and how much I was enjoying what you were saying that it wasn't a big deal. great piece, I want more of this.
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  4. #4
    I'm wack.
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    Re: Innocence?

    Very good, real...

    First off, I'm crazy about multis and it seemed you place them in good spots...and you didn't force them...That's what I need to work on...

    Anways...This was very very REAL...I like the frist section that kinda set the stage, your lines were placed very well in the parts they seemed to fit most in...Your story/concept was consistent and you actualy KNOW HOW TO USE VOCAB...Half these kids just put them in to sound good, but you actually did them justice...

    Very real, very well written and beautiful used vocabulary...

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=322451
    Last edited by Ink Edible; January 12th, 2007 at 03:19 PM
    This is my signature...

  5. #5
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: Innocence?

    thanks to both. upping

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  6. #6
    Can't teach you my swag! D. Josey's Avatar
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    Re: Innocence?

    Hey.

    Hey.

    Yay.

    This was a pretty good piece my man. Your pieces are like all the same yet they show improvement, I mean I could just read an anonymous piece and tell it was yours because of the kind of flow and language you use in here. Pretty tight-knit flow man, the fluency and the swiftness of this read was mint - and very dope. I liked this one - the language was fresh outta the box, and the read was just perfect on my eyes. The metaphors in the adjective strewn part were so dooope, and I liked that about the piece. Overall, the multies and the feeling of this piece were probably the hilights and I advise you to keep it up, or you'll have to deal with me.

    - Leave feed on StuporHero

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  7. #7
    Touch My Beard Extinctor Draconis's Avatar
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    Re: Innocence?

    Wow



    im worried that when you get married i won't be able to read this kinda ish. I love your flow it was so smoothy an almost made me orgasim. Very fluent and easy to read and to get into. Metaphors were fresh and good as always goofy would like dis read , multies wer also nice all throughout the piece and my god its just crazy to see how far you came and ish props and cheers


    go disneyland!
    De Kapitein

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  8. #8
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: Innocence?

    word sonz, up

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  9. #9
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: Innocence?

    up.

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  10. #10
    . . . Tragedian.'s Avatar
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    Re: Innocence?

    This was such a nicely put togther piece, your opener alone had me intrested and wanting to read more, Your flow was beautiful on every line along with your vocab that fit in perfect, every word just went nice with the next and had me reading all through and not getting bored. This has to be one of your best and deffintly is worth a spot in the HOF, dope piece, hit mine please lol. peace.
    Empire

  11. #11
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    Re: Innocence?

    this wwas prertty good
    Prime Time

    Hadez Paragon

    ..And Running Feat: Nash
    Oceans Blue Feat: Truth.
    My Memories


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    MySpace..I Want Brittaniy.

  12. #12
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: Innocence?

    Upping.

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  13. #13
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Re: Innocence?

    Ver nicely done--as i have read part or much or it before it was good to revisit the piece. To me this was more controlled..you kept the emotion in but also kept the technicalities in your mind and created a dope piece...i liked how it was worded and the flow. Though, what makes a piece Dope for me is how many clever lines it has, how many good concepts put in..how the imagery has been seamed within the lines..and yeah to me..this piece fills up most of the correct criteria. WEll...let me think...other than 1 or 2 points this was a very good piece. So yeah..Stay up^ and keep on the positive....on another note: BELL IF YOU SEE THIS SHORTEN YOUR SIG.

  14. #14
    fast.
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    Re: Innocence?

    I'm gonna be a little harsh because
    you're in my crew and you'll learn more.

    parts of you're flow are really really strong,
    and while multi's are present through out there
    are a few instances where i feel they came off a
    little bit forced. (the hypocritical line) - the
    content was very personal and it showed you
    write best when reflecting on yourself. i read this
    in your battle in SS, and while you got praise for
    the refrigerant line, it came off a little cheesy for
    such a personal verse. just my 2 cents. overall, this
    is one of your best, it showed, keep it up.
    fastforwords.>>
    //WordPerfect

  15. #15
    Planet of the Rapes. Evolve's Avatar
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    Re: Innocence?

    Pretty nice drop. It was well worded and flow was smooth. Image was clear. However, i have to agree with Kev about the refrigerant line... it was a bit of a reach. Other than that... well done.


    Oh... and eff yo couch... lol
    Rappers sound the same man, found 1 game plan & ran through it
    They all got that Geico flow.. Cause even a cave man can do it

    ArtificialIntelligence









    AI

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