Old Man

[P. Mortuus]

Old Man

Once lived a man old & bold
Told he’s cold, so he sold & bought
a leaf, beneath it fire scolds
Moulds & mildew blew forth
By the wind, air & oxygen
Fused dirt with birth= abortion
Used potions, uneven portions
Ratio at 1:2, he gave half in fun
To the dun cattle, bleeding
Milk, his wife kneading whey, Son
Sleeping, degenerate ilk, seeding
Sold seeds laced with old beads
The man secluded from told greed’s
Slow life, with a bland wife
Smiling ashen teeth, brittle in strife
Broken and bent..........
A token of the old man’s timely end

[P. Mortuus]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=320460
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...27#post5384727

[-=HazE=-]

man i lost flow after every line
you'd have to spit it
but the imagination and vocab was straight
wordchoice is ok
stay up

[P. Mortuus]

Learn to flow better.

[Engivale]

That was cool, totally unexpected style from you... It was sorta choppy, I think you just need some work on the continuous flow thing, a lot of times people won't be able to follow it the way you have it in your head, it's why I use all the ... and --- when I write to force pauses... anyways, still a cool piece, and that it was short and to the point is a good thing. Long pieces kind of suck. Good to see people writing for fun during the SS break. Check out my piece "Try to Keep Up", I was drunk a few nights ago and just wanted to flow my ass off so I dd it.

SideNote - What in the hell do people mean by "good wordchoice" or "good vocab" ??? It's as if using words like absinthe, culinary and obituary makes you somehow more of a gifted writer because they're not as commonly used... I think common language is COMMON because it is the easiest and quickest way to relay information without the bullshit... which I think is what good writing should be. Anyways, I am never and will never be impressed by how many obscure words a writer uses, it actually makes people look pretentious to me... Just a rant I decided to go off on in your thread here cuz the idiot said "good wording" or whatever he said, it's just retarded.

Nice job Baron.

[sk8ta]

wunna battle call me out

[Main-EvenT]

nice shit kid.. just need a lil more flow on it.. but other than that i t was mad creative n shit

[P. Mortuus]

wunna battle call me out

Thanks Eng...just experimenting and half the time i actually wasn't trying to rhyme na mean

And Sk8a your too good for me

[Matix]

flow was pretty good. THe lines were kinda short. Good vocab. Keep practicing. Elevate.

[Ascend]

Well, unlike some, I actually followed the flow and found this to be a pretty good piece. The structure was interesting and the story itself was nice. Your vocab was up to par and the multies kept the piece flowing although I'd have to say it was quite a short read and I was hoping for a bit more in it. Overall, I decent drop. Keep up.

Check Voices in my Sig when you get a chance. Thanks.

And Sk8a your too good for me

Lol.

[Young Punisher]

da flow wuz kinda fucked up cause it had horrible structure
this has potential to be a gud piece.
da rhymin' skeme wuz cool, pretty low level tho for a dude wit over 3000 posts
i get wha u wuz tryna say, but u have 2 try nd present it in a better fashon
1

[P. Mortuus]

da flow wuz kinda fucked up cause it had horrible structure
this has potential to be a gud piece.
da rhymin' skeme wuz cool, pretty low level tho for a dude wit over 3000 posts
i get wha u wuz tryna say, but u have 2 try nd present it in a better fashon
1

My Friend.......3000 posts give me the right to "Fuck" my structure.

[Client]

Haahaha I liked the flow unlike you other illiterate niggas, but haha nahh I liked it, it was short though, I woulda liked to see it longer because what you had right here was really deep ya dig....

"By the wind, air & oxygen
Fused dirt with birth= abortion
Used potions, uneven portions"
^dope, favorite part

You know not much to say cuz I liked it, just would have liked to see it longer.

"To the dun cattle, bleeding
Milk, his wife kneading whey, Son
Sleeping, degenerate ilk, seeding
Sold seeds laced with old beads
The man secluded from told greed’s
Slow life, with a bland wife
Smiling ashen teeth, brittle in strife"

^That rhyme scheme is nice what are ya'll kids talkin about.

adios

[Spoken]

this wasa nice sweety one here paka..nice drop though man i like the short deep content man really creative and nicely done well structured and well deviated and percisley to the poit man nice job i liked it alot man really got me with emotino aswell..thoug i wanted more you did a fair and nicejob in this keep it up. oh yea and nice vocab aswell my dude nice.

RTF
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=321025

[Witty]

da flow wuz kinda fucked up cause it had horrible structure
this has potential to be a gud piece.
da rhymin' skeme wuz cool, pretty low level tho for a dude wit over 3000 posts
i get wha u wuz tryna say, but u have 2 try nd present it in a better fashon
1

my god, you're an idiot

anyway Pak. Nice peice, short as hell but it was different and original and I enjoyed the read.

sorry for shitty feed, I'm tired lol I need to rest so that I can go out tonight and drink lol