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Thread: Baby Boy Hope

  1. #1
    Class of 06 Quest.'s Avatar
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    Baby Boy Hope

    Baby Boy Hope


    "Six months after the baby was left in the quarry, the Lorain County Sheriff's Office received a call from a diver who said he'd found a rock-filled bag with a baby's body inside"



    ....this is the story

    what has this come to, shameless act of torture
    helpless, crys muffled by stones in a black bag to abort ya
    just think, who could do this to they owns childs life
    all american white girl, 15 scared to look forward to the furture which lies
    but that just the endin, i didn't start at the beginnin
    messin wit a senior, when she was just a dumb freshmen
    got serious, after a couple months they started to have relations
    but wait, sickness sets next thing she knew she was pregnant
    now the thoughts of being scared, made reality thickin
    she didnt tell a soul, just her and the boy knew what was kickin
    a baby boy so near and dear to the heart
    ripped from his dreams, will now slowly depart
    a couple months went by, an she begin to show
    her boyfriend would stand on her stomach, instead of throwin the blow
    alarm clock goes off, yet just a normal day of school
    sittin in class, pains begin but she didnt know what to do
    her mom picked her up, and she went home
    later on she was left alone, an had the baby too
    she cut the umbilical and clipped around a barrette
    she thought it was still born, yet in pain she stabbed him in the chest
    she took the baby that was 4 pounds and wrapped him in a towel
    stuffed him in a black gym bag, and pondered for a while
    he boyfriend came over, and put rocks in the bag
    took it to the near by quarry an dumped it not feelin sad

    6 Months go by..........

    no leads on anything, no eye witness or nothin
    thought they was scott free, until she tells it to someone
    yet someone over hear the convo, and calls the cops
    they show up, and ask questions an right there she knew she was caught

  2. #2

  3. #3
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: Baby Boy Hope

    Nice, The Wording was nice, mature. The flow was very wel done and smooth. I liekd where you were coming at, nice. The Creativty was apperently there and so was the Imagenation or I wouldnt like it. You're Structre was nice, you should do the collab with me and Cry. Keep writing son.

    ~Bell

  4. #4

    Re: Baby Boy Hope

    this piece has great emotion and imagery
    on such a horrible topic
    - its a shame this sh!t happens in real life

    woulda liked to have seen a stronger/more positive message behind it
    instead of being so gruesome

  5. #5
    Cause A Fuss Truth Iscariot's Avatar
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    Re: Baby Boy Hope

    whoa quest what a nice piece you came with the emotions on this noe the first i have EVER read from you and its one of the better ones i have read from anyone you totally took the concept you had and ran with it you used a mix of slang/proper english and the flow was nice

    Good piece

    AI

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  6. #6
    Class of 06 Quest.'s Avatar
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    Re: Baby Boy Hope

    thanx for the feed everyone

  7. #7
    Class of 06 Quest.'s Avatar
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    Re: Baby Boy Hope

    bump for feed

  8. #8
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    Re: Baby Boy Hope

    This was a nice piece Quest. I was really feeling the imegry you added into it. This piece was alost very creative. The only thing that I didn't like was the topic, but you still worked well with it. Overall this was a nice read.

  9. #9

    Re: Baby Boy Hope

    It was a straight attempt, but I don't feel like you quite got there. The piece had a lot of awkward wording, and poor placement. Often it felt like you were throwing in these casual hints on language, not because it helped the piece in anyway, but just to help support your meter. I really can't stand seeing content tossed for the sake of a rhyme scheme. The concept, was original for the fact that no one has used this topic- but I feel like you could have gotten much more creative in your approach. So, decent piece, could use some work though.

    If you could,
    This is George.
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  10. #10
    Class of 06 Quest.'s Avatar
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    Re: Baby Boy Hope

    thanx for feed

  11. #11
    Class of 06 Quest.'s Avatar
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    Re: Baby Boy Hope

    uppin

  12. #12
    ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ Taz™'s Avatar
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    Re: Baby Boy Hope

    To start with - thats a fucked up topic ,

    ,you did convey emotions well enough -
    you got me feelings sad -and wanting to slap the shit of that guy!
    the story on how you pictured the topic was ok could be polished better
    flow went kind off smooth all tho choppy parts at times, which seemed akward
    i would say it is because of the selection of words you used at certain points

    over all , ok read - the topic still was not really feeling it
    R.I.P - i hope Karma Kicks in HARD




    .
    *Cha*....
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    ....*Ching*

  13. #13
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    Re: Baby Boy Hope

    This topical was pretty good. I like rhymes that are convincing. Like it sounds realistic. Even though its fiction, I hope so! lol But it sounds like you were feeling the topic and you put lots of emotion into it. You put alot of detail into it so it reads almost like a story, or movie. Good shit. Keep practicing. Elevate.

  14. #14
    Class of 06 Quest.'s Avatar
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    Re: Baby Boy Hope

    thanx for the feed and this story aint fiction it's all fact

  15. #15
    Class of 06 Quest.'s Avatar
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    Re: Baby Boy Hope

    can i up this?

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