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Thread: Tears for Years.../...Why did you Kill me?

  1. #1
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    Unhappy Tears for Years.../...Why did you Kill me?






    I’ve seen indents for devil horns form on the skulls of swindlers






    Tears for Years


    Why did you Kill me?

    A lot of people loved me, my family especially
    Are sickened now at this unexpected tragedy
    That actually took place in the space of a second
    I froze when your weapon erased my presence

    The earth swallowed me whole, now my Soul drifts
    Silently in corridors so cold since I was violently hit
    Spitting blood from my bowels, foul taste in my mouth
    The sulphur of two smoking barrels left no doubt
    I was on the way out, see there’s no turning back
    Perhaps a vest would’ve halted this burning attack

    Too late for that though, so on the concrete I bled
    Many mourned in public, plus tears were secretly shed
    Gifted as an artist – I highlighted my final requests
    Seems like I drew death through route of Judge Dreads
    Sketch-scenes of flying lead, & a grudge so deep
    I didn’t expect these peeps were out to put me to sleep
    *
    Donavan was the first person NiNjah knew to lose life in this way
    There’s been many other gifted ones since too…
    Suns I think about you from day-to-day.



    R.I.P

  2. #2
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  3. #3
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Not bad flow..good multies you strucure was basic tho..it sorda made me bored
    and you vocab was iight,you need to get more creative with your pieces.make it less boreing..But over all that this was a decent drop
    ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE

  4. #4
    Banned Rancor's Avatar
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    This real......anyway it was a good piece..flow was different and the multies/inners etc were less complex as usual though the piee still had it's fluidity...i liked that. Keeping a good flow for most part of it alowed me to stay attentive and also the piece ended up finishing quite quickly. Your imagery was more in-your-face but yeah it was still very good. Overall i thought this was a good piece..would have left more comments but currently i'm in college lol.

    -Pak

    If possible, a few will do
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=311797

  5. #5
    Expression Is Everything XM's Avatar
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    decent transitions to the next lines, good attempts on multis and internal rhyming vocabulary was basic, structure was ok, emotion was meh, imagry was blah, it was kinda boring for such a good topic, i thought you would pick it up at the end or towards the end but you kept it the same not really impressed so keep writing its a ok write tho
    Where the fuck was I fore they found me?
    Floatn in a meadow, dragonflies all around me
    Seeded in a ghetto, smokin cigarellos
    Stress oceans try to drown me
    Walking on water like when Christ did, glidin
    Mic in my plam like the trident in the hand of Poseidon

  6. #6
    You've Earned a Custom Title! The Vortex's Avatar
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    oh well i thought there was plenty of emotion in it. and imagery? i dont know what you mean there coz this is like real life so there is no more imagery to it i cant just add some fafe ass poetic imagery to real story. dont like my ish fair enough thats up to you ya'll


    ya'll hating n checking the real for real

    death isnt supposed to be an exciting fake ass thing. its gloomy dark and uninviting
    whats up with you people man???

    more imagery
    more exciting??????????
    better structure?


    leave it out with that shit for real

    1
    .................................................. ......................

  7. #7
    The Notorious E.N.G. Engivale's Avatar
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    Way to take criticism well, Vortex. You have got it GOING ON.

    A.I.

    "She managed to extract from the restriction itself a further delicate thought, like good poets whom the tyranny of rhyme forces into the discovery of their finest lines."


  8. #8
    You've Earned a Custom Title! The Vortex's Avatar
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    yeah bro way to give feedback bra. ill return the favour yeah NOT


    like i need misleading feedback from haters who can't write.whats the point

    happy freepostin to you you FUCK HEAD

    just keep adding to the negatives fine




    Fuck
    .................................................. ......................

  9. #9
    The Notorious E.N.G. Engivale's Avatar
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    I wasn't trying to give you feedback. The piece was fine. You're a good writer. You just are a bad person. I do not frepost if my 300 some odd posts are any indication. I post only when absolutely necessary.

    I currently think it is absolutely necessary to put you in your place, although, I don't think I can do that on the internet. It's people like you that make me sick. It's the reason I write. To make sure I do better in this life than people who treat others like shit and get off on their own conceitedness.

    Please, never change, I love your attitude, it gives me hope every time I read a post of yours that I know there are many human beings more stupid than I am out there, wasting their talent away by being assholes.

    Thank you for that.

    A.I.

    "She managed to extract from the restriction itself a further delicate thought, like good poets whom the tyranny of rhyme forces into the discovery of their finest lines."


  10. #10
    You've Earned a Custom Title! The Vortex's Avatar
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    oh go fuck yurself hater rater




    i take decent feed from any one but this aint no flowing type piece so imma delete it


    coz you calliung me selfish uncaring w/e is STUPID.. coz this was dedication to a dead friend.and i shed tears when writing it. so theres what you know about me isnt it.....
    go fuck..
    .................................................. ......................

  11. #11
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    Collab

    zcz

  12. #12
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    yup

    that's what it is

  13. #13
    The Beat Of Philly QaaHolic's Avatar
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    yo this join
    is hot i respect
    it ialso like
    your vocab
    keep it up b
    i'll be looking
    for some more of your stuff
    Wicked Wicked Wicked


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