The End.

[XM]

(..Diagnosis..)
Doctor:
Eternity built on convictions, sour mentals, acescence acedia
Sturdily wilt each provision, hour crystal, acrophaty abasia
Use to sound without vision, no issuse, acclimatize accoustics
Inside the mind is pollutants, so he idolized with pollution

(..Use To Times Duration..)
Psychologist:
Crime commendable childhood, mind, will fall to the tension
Apprehendable binds would, time, was all he was given
Border'd line of a prison, here sort of finds his acceptance
Or the vines, where he's mentioned, shorten lives, he requested

(..Self Realization..In The Mind He Speaks..)
Inmate:
My past is such an irrelevance, i kno the crimes i commented
And twenty nine were suspended, but forty five i was given
An so my life its just finish, im doing fine with these minutes
I told the guy how to end it, shit im so inclined with the ending

(..The Hour @ Hand..)
Laying here panting and sweating, seems anxious for his demise
Room filled death, white walls, hives, awaits for more replies
Holds still, hope in his eyes, sponge, bucket filled to his ankles

"LOOK IM NOT GETTING NO YOUNGER!" "GEEZ"............
..........Smiles *switch pulled* Thank You

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=312043
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=312249

[Tragedian.]

this was nice...short but nice...wasnt all that intresting at the beggning but i started to get into it a bit..as it had some nice flow as i read..some lines we're off which isnt good for such a small drop...but had some multies not much..vocab was nice..a bit complex which i didnt really like..but i was feelin this topic and how you did it..it wasnt played cause ppl never write on this...so dont listen when ppl say its played..good drop keep up...hit the topical in my sig.

[XM]

see the way i did it was the first 4 lines were his mental illness so tho words are actually compound deseases of the mind so i i was doing on from Different points of views but thanx fo the feed

[XM]

ups.

[XM]

ups.

[Logical.]

Psychologist:
Crime commendable childhood, mind, will fall to the tension
Apprehendable binds would, time, was all he was given
Border'd line of a prison, here sort of finds his acceptance
Or the vines, where he's mentioned, shorten lives, he requested


this shit was nice as hell mann i like how you worded almost all your lins pimpin just the imagery was of and on during the piece mann u had a lot of descriptive words throughtout this piece mann i like how you placed ur rhyme scheme throughout this piece also very nicely pu together can't hate on ur piece pimpin u had a very nice drop well thought out and placed together

Diope drop

[Heychoo]

Kind of a played topic, but you put a twist to it..Something that stood out was the alliteration..it's hard to find that nowadays..
the rhyme scheme was fine, a bit forced in areas, but still nice.
There were a few punctuation errors, but i'm just being picky. they just stick out to me..but liked I said, i'm just being picky, and that's me.
The ending wasn't as climatic as it could of been, but it was still nice..a little bit more emotion would have been nice, but overall, this was a pretty good drop.

[XxPHATExX]

Yeah man, the vocab is intense, this wouldnt be for your average RB member. Very complex in areas. I really like how you worded the ending. To me, that just made the whole thing come together. Nice work.

[XM]

I liked it at times, too complex for anyone's taste which is completely unneccasary. I understood what was going on most of the way through, even though you kind of rambled from one situation to the next without any explanation of any of them. Don't force rhymes too much. The ending was the only part that made sense most of all, and it was good to read that. If it wasn't so complex, and just described a little better of what was going on, it'd be an amazing piece. Keep writing.

i feel you but these are 11 and 12th grade words here didnt think they were too complex maybe i'll tone it down on my next OM

[XM]

lets keep the feed coming.....planning on dropping another OM soon

[Forum]

This piece was nice as fuck....(The Rhyme scheme)KRAZy...The consistant usage of multi's made the piece flow alltogether as I read....I felt that you exceeded on vacab and really brought it to the reader making him/her interpret word's in the formation of thier own understanding. Overall this was an interesting read topic was not the usuall so good shit fam and keep at cause you nice wit it.

[XM]

thanx for the feed people continue if possible

[FRESH83]

I Liked The Ending Line At First I Couldnt Understand.(im Not That Wise)
But After Ive Looked Ova It A Couple Of Times I Broke It Down And Caught On. If You Could, Could You Brake Down The First Part To Me I Really Would Like To Understand It.... But Its Hot I Give It A 150% If I Was A Teacher....

[Engivale]

lol don't get too "greedy" with the requests for feedback... seems like you almost expect people to be on your nuts about this. Like a lot of people said, the vocab used here was just a little much... this couldn't translate into actual song-writing, this is more of essay writing vocabulary... a lot of young writers have it confused that using a lot of their extensive vocabs does not necesarrily make them good writers. The best writing is usually simple, because simple verbs and adjectives tend to make for much more meaningful and vivid writing.

The problem with words like acclimatize and ascescence are that they are a mouthful to say, and they tend to slow the reader down when they are reading your work, and thus, kill the flow. Rhymescheme depends on the sounds of small, easy to comprehend words syncing together. It's okay to throw words in from the vocab banks here and there, but once the rhyme becomes littered with them, it's no longer a rhyme, it is just an essay disguised by the use of a tattered rhyme scheme.

You're a good writer, just stop trying so damn hard. Maybe next time, go with your first draft. If you find yourself stopping in the middle of your work to change words because you think their simplicity makes you sound less intelligent than you are, you are less intelligent than you think and you need to keep it simple.

I look back on a lot of the stuff I was doing from 16-18 and it resembles work like this, just really forcing my agenda to prove to my reader that I was knowledgable and had a lot of etiquette. I didn't think I was doing that at the time, but now I know that I was.

Just a thought, take it or leave it.

[Resistance]

I understand completely what your saying, its just those words couldn't be opt. out for the simple fact they are actually med. terms that I compounded together so I only kept its length short and then I lowered the vocabulary but its no problem for me to lower my vocabulary you'll see in my next drop.