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Thread: Denied Entry

  1. #1
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    Denied Entry

    lol this is for my assembly im gunna be readin it in front of year 10s and 11s which is like 500 people lol


    Denied Entry

    As I look behind me I see all that I’m leaving behind
    A land that is in tatters, a belief that all is fine only exist in my mind

    Realising what is going on, I find myself wishing I wasn’t here
    Gathering my family I try to flee the land, taking all that I hold dear

    Remembering the good, the bad, and the not so pleasant times
    Not fully informed, I had to leave , I didn’t commit any war crimes

    For other reasons untold I was going, leaving all that was loved
    I’m leaving, They persist to push, I don’t want to be shoved

    Reaching the border of my home land, I leave my fears behind
    Thinking of the new start I’m set to experience, I think of what ill find

    Stepping over the border of my new home it was like a new life
    Holding my family tight, my kids, my caring wife

    My legs felt weak, I felt faint, unable to see the landscape
    As I began to get to my feet, I sensed the fear had found its escape

    The thought of being rejected ran blatant on my face
    Surely they wouldn’t be disrespectful because of my race

    I had to leave, I told them, its my destiny, its my fate
    I was In pursuit of freedom, only to be sent back to the land of hate

    The memories of past times gone was triggered when they said ‘no’
    Kicking, screaming I didn’t want to leave, ‘please just let us go’

    In disbelief, I fell to the floor, my wife came to my aid
    ‘I knew it was to good to be true, we should of stayed.’

    Rejected from prosper, my face began to rain tears of pride
    Not hiding my face, I wasn’t scared to let them see I cried


    All my hopes and dreams shattered, torn, ripped up in tatters
    I just wanted to leave, start fresh, but now nothing really matters

    I guess its all over now, nothing I could do, just go back ‘home’
    that’s what it is now, my home its all that I have to call my own
    Last edited by Il' Brigzi.; June 14th, 2006 at 04:46 PM

  2. #2

  3. #3
    The Beat Of Philly QaaHolic's Avatar
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    i like it good job
    Wicked Wicked Wicked


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  4. #4
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    uppin

  5. #5
    this was a very good piece i thought.....rhyming was good......flow was tight......vocab was very good......i could picture in my mind what was going on....lines weren't to stretched i think you just ended each one at right time....each line had a meaning i thought or almost everyline.....so yeh i thought you have good potential.....keep it up....
    Last edited by Prodi*j; June 15th, 2006 at 12:35 PM

  6. #6
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    uppin

  7. #7
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    hmmm nice peice here dude do you by any chance have an alias?

    but yea this was a good peice..you had a nice storyuline and the topic was kind of played but you made it your own which shows that you are obviously are very good writer, The imagery was basic but affective in this peice I really felt that you done well here......nothing too bad in this peice,the flow was good...I liked the storyline,so basically this was quite an impressive peice....keep at it.

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    24 x OM Hall Of Fame

  8. #8
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    thanx

  9. #9
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    word leave feed on that link I left
    Last edited by Witty; June 15th, 2006 at 03:43 PM

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    24 x OM Hall Of Fame

  10. #10
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  11. #11
    The Beat Of Philly QaaHolic's Avatar
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    yo nice peace godd vocab and nice structure
    Wicked Wicked Wicked


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  12. #12
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    thats not feed u shud be banned mofo and im untouchable son

  13. #13
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  14. #14
    Swing Life Away Wireless's Avatar
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    I took notice that you're freeposting ass has taken to attempting poetry, so I'll leave feed.

    Honestly, this is the best piece you've written. I've seen a lot of elevation since your first OM...

    This was a quite played topic, but you put your own spin on it, and I respect that. It started off well, gave me a clear idea of what was going on...Your vocabulary, could have been better, but there was enough to add a touch of complexity. I also see that you're picking up on imagery...As stated above, you got me into the storyline...Sadly though, this piece drifted into redudancy for a little bit. Remember, even if you put the same thing a different way, it's still the same thing...It seemed like you just complaining a lot..It livened up though when you expressed that you went back to your home land...It seemed very symbolic when you said
    "Rejected from prosper, my face began to rain tears of pride
    Not hiding my face, I wasn’t scared to let them see I cried"

    With that said, this was also flawed...It seemed as if you started rushing things...Don't. Take your time...You've mastered the basics, now you just have to start grasping such things as metaphors, better imagery, and better vocabulary...I see potential, keep it up ass.

    RTF on any OM.

    Mondo Thugs l The Truth


    If I'm too simple, then you just dont get the basics.

  15. #15
    ..in chains? Naw!
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