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Thread: Tired of this Shit

  1. May 24th, 2006, 03:23 PM #1
    Jon
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    Tired of this Shit

    Tired of this Shit

    I'm tired of this shit; it has tortured me all day
    It had to stay, and this shit just won't go away
    It is toying with my brain, so mentally it hurts
    The afflict is horrid at first, in awhile it'll convert
    Butt if a bit of shit slips, it would probably ruin me
    It would burn mentally, and leave a streak morally
    I try to push away the pain, but it doesn't come out
    These emotions are doing me in, without any doubt
    As it runs away from me, I try to pull it all back
    But then it came all at once, like a terrorist attack
    I rush to the tissue, and wipe away any of my tears
    I’m waiting for an answer, its seeming like years
    The teacher won’t let me leave, rapidly I shake
    Rush down the hallway, trying to make a break
    Alas! I’ve found my destination, finally I relax
    Inside of me it screams, and leaves me a few facts
    I know this piece is short; it’s easy to read quick
    But it’s for you to view; next time you need to take a shit
    Last edited by Jon; May 26th, 2006 at 12:47 PM
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  2. May 24th, 2006, 03:24 PM #2
    Jon
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    Links:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=293686
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=293593

    Leave feed please
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  3. May 24th, 2006, 03:41 PM #3
    C.A.Mcshann
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    lol....the you had me believing this was some serious shit till i got to the last line
    nice concept dawg, its creative even though its about taking a shit
    nice little twist..gave me my first laugh of the day
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  4. May 24th, 2006, 04:22 PM #4
    Il' Romeo.
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    Butt if a bit of shit slips, it would probably ruin me

    ^^lol that line gave it away for me

    nice wordplay nice twist u had me deep into it until that line^^^

    nice concept lol u cum up wid it all ya self?
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  5. May 24th, 2006, 04:24 PM #5
    Dyl
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    Lol I liked this.AInt super dope but was a good piece.You had me thinkin it was going to be a real serious piece but ended up with you needing to take a shit.I thought it was very enjoyable and it did make me chuckle.You had good creativity also.Never seen anything like this from you and its good to see a change.Structure was very good.You know what you could of improved on but that does not really matter in a piece like this.Nice shit bro
    Heard about the guy who fell off a skyscraper?
    On his way down past each floor,he kept saying to reassure himself
    So far so good.....
    So far so good.....
    So far so good.....
    But how you fall doesn't matter
    Its how you land
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  6. May 24th, 2006, 04:41 PM #6
    Mic.
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    kinda short but this was was pretty nice. topic was alright. not really new or creative. but this was nice. good structure. good flow. nice and smooth. rhymes were good. could have used more multies. vocab was alright. could be upped quite a bit. same with complexity. overall this was a nice read. keep it up man.
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  7. May 24th, 2006, 06:11 PM #7
    Marshall
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    lol had me thinking you was on some serious stuff at the beggining until the 'Butt if a bit of shit slips, it would probably ruin me' line came through. i thought you used wordplay quite good and was quite funny at the end. good simple rhyme sceme.. btu worked well for what you intended.

    8/10

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  8. May 24th, 2006, 06:17 PM #8
    sILLable
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    funny..im as high as a crackhead on tha first of tha month.minus tha crack..of course..but i thought you was into some serious shit..and then it wasnt ...clever little muse...pretty tight piece..everything was basic but it was funny and creative..not bad...keep elevatin and droppin.~1~


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  9. May 25th, 2006, 03:11 AM #9
    ELEETE
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    Heh this piece was very creative in its own right...This is what makes Poetry/Music/Art so fun...The way you can play with them so much...I liked this piece...Its a nice relax piece from the usual "Gotta Be Serious" shit on here...Good shit...14 eh? Good creativity for your age...keep the creativity flowin...Nice job...

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  10. May 25th, 2006, 12:57 PM #10
    Jon
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    yea, it was just a mess around piece, but I tried to save the punchline til the end.
    upping
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  11. May 26th, 2006, 12:38 PM #11
    Jon
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    uppin for more feed
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  12. May 27th, 2006, 03:18 PM #12
    Richard Parker
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    It wasn't bad. You could've elaborated more on the concept, delved deeper into what shit was happening (not poop), as to mislead people earlier on. Because really I just read through it and felt no emotion, because it wasn't an emotional piece. I did appreciate the punch though.
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  13. May 31st, 2006, 09:58 PM #13
    Jon
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    thank you feebs.. upping for more feedback

    This was just a piece to make me laugh kinda..
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  14. June 1st, 2006, 04:40 AM #14
    Rippa
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    LOL! some funny 'shit' nice tha way u talk round it untill the end i had 2 read over this twice because i was wonderin wtf its about untill dat last line lol then it all made sence flow was their n nice rhymes too gud pice
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  15. June 2nd, 2006, 11:32 PM #15
    Jon
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