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Thread: The Tragedy of Sargon

  1. #1
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    The Tragedy of Sargon

    In the year of 2334 B.C.E. the first emporer was born in the cradle of humanity, Mesopotamia. An Akkadian warrior, with his vast army, would conquer the wills of the Tigris and Euphrates. Yet afer his death his empire would crumble into the dust of the past. History has named him Sargon.

    "Wake Sargon Wake"
    Trapped in a mist of mistake
    His mistress lays
    With red sheets wrapped around her waist
    Her skin slightly marinated by the suns rays
    Her eyes the deepest of red
    As her mascara bled
    Down her cheeck to caress her chin
    He blinked when sand mingled in the rim
    Of his eyes, which rose to grope he breast
    His pupil dilated to beat of his chest
    The satin vest dared to slip
    Unbottoned like parted lips
    Deep pink, the sun reflecting sand
    Like when darn painted the land
    His reverie dipped into he body
    And dared to never to comeout

    He kissed her hips which tasted like dust
    Back to reality from figments of lust

    Yet his dreams were not reconstructed memories
    Rather pillaged from the minds of enemies
    Half buried in the dunes
    Where the skulls replace tumble weed
    The sockets belled trails thatheadless skeletons loom
    Their flesh drip into liquid death
    Metamorph to earth to errode in sandstorm breath

    "No I didn't want to!"

    Sargon woke once more to the din of night mates
    With his lungs groping for thin air
    "It was all a dream it seems
    As the streets bleed with rotting bodies
    I shed blood for Akkad
    Paying with sleepless nights
    Swabbed my tears in rags
    With gold thread I mend their lives
    Yet to them I am dead
    A demon king
    Arm tattoed in red
    Wearing blood clots as rings"


    Sargon would sleep oncemore
    To the clang of metal reminicent of battles before
    Baby faced boy with his head cleaved
    Sealed hastiloy with grass and reds
    Yet a few choice pieces of mind
    Drizzled from a crack behind
    His eyes emptied as his spirit slipped
    Drinking Sargon's tears upon his lips
    Deverd at the waist soldiers walked with arms
    Leakng out intestines like untwining yarn
    They screamed "Sargon did this to us"
    But as they passed
    He carressed their eyes shut

    Returning to Akkad, he stood at the gate
    Decorated in the storybook sand of gate
    The sun blazon on the sky's banner
    The handles glittered gilded in amber
    He watched its beauty for 7 days
    Waiting from sleeping doors to yawn awake
    They would not budge
    They would not move
    But worst of all
    It was no mistake

    Sargon wished to wake
    To a time before wars before the crimes
    To mend the broken battle lines
    To a time before he owned the earth
    Except for the place of birth
    He closed his eyes one last time
    To dream of dream
    "Something beautiful that is mine"

    Sargon would die at the age of 60. They say he would retire one night and never woke from his sleep. What happened to Sargon's body is unknown.




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  2. #2
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  3. #3
    Banned Big C.'s Avatar
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    wow....this was an excellent story..very creative and interesting.
    excellent rhyme scheme nice multies here and there.
    imagery was incredible, i followed the whole peice.
    flow was nice and vocab and complexity was nice as well
    overall this was a dope peice man.nice job.

  4. #4
    dreadedfistofthenorthwest
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    i relaly found this piece emotional. the descriptions you put forth were amazing in conjunction with the flow and story aspect. i wasnt sure if the story you told was true. so hit me back on that ahahah. but i really enjoyed reading this piece. it flowed together perfectly. very few mistakes in this work here. only minor aspects needed to be worked on in this. including: i didnt really ''feel'' the dialogue. that was really about it so yea. keep droppin mad ill man youll be dope for real.
    The R.
    -The Illest Ever Kid-

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    Fly to the sky my child

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  6. #6
    dead on revival soulstice.'s Avatar
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    dope story, i studied sargon a little bit in social studies class a month or two ago, and the imagery in this was really tight, good rhyme scheme, even though the lines were smaaaall, it helped it flow very nice

    gret piece, i will definitely look more from you

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  7. #7
    . Illus''s Avatar
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    Very Nice piece here. Sorry I took so
    long to respond lol anyways.


    Great and I mean great discriptive piece here. Extremely good
    content as well. The way you went about setting this story up
    was very well thought out and if it wasn't more props lol.
    Your structure is very hard to maintain flow with but you pulled
    it off very well I'd say. Nice vocabulary to describe his emotions
    and the apprearence of things. I didn't get bored at all which
    I tend to get bored when reading pieces even if they are good.


    " With gold thread I mend their lives
    Yet to them I am dead
    A demon king
    Arm tattoed in red
    Wearing blood clots as rings"

    Not really your best lines however they definitely stood
    out to me, nice word usage. I think you are one of those
    few writers who can express emtion with words very well.
    I would like to see a piece with nothing but emotion.
    Anyways stay writing man definitely you are talented with
    this.

    Peace.

  8. #8
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    Very nice piece here, you did a wonderful job on the story telling part of it... it was an interesting topic and actually made me want to read it... the thing i love most about this piece is how it all flowed to gether flawlessly... it is really quite soothing to read a piece that isn't so choppy like most of the others on rb at the moment... the rhymes were good, serious lack of multis though... multis aren't THAT important if you're aiming for a more emotional piece... Imagery was outstanding, but emotion wasn't all there, i think you would do better emotion wise with a better topic... structure i didnt like so much but as long as it has a good flow im not 2 picky with that... good vocab and wordplay, you seemed to find the perfect words to describe the situation..

    good work and ima keep an eye open for you in the future...

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