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Thread: Swallowed And Gutted

  1. #1
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Swallowed And Gutted

    A man swallowed by grief left gutted at his fate…….

    The meticulous mayhem of mental minions leaves mandatory
    Explanations and reasons for the man to engulf in joys adversary
    Grief, swallows the lords lamb and leaves him open to hells Gate
    Gutted, stricken with grief, haunted by horrors, no way to placate
    The mind of a mad man, now it dreams as eyes gleam and stream
    The beam from heavenly clouds show a ray of hope yet it’s unseen
    .
    Heartbroken man swallowed by pains and torment
    The matter rules the mind, rubbishing lover’s intent
    Grief of the lone lover in lone midsummer sheets
    Reminiscing love they would make in summery heats
    Yet the lover alone, the heat of stoves warms him now
    Asks lord questions about her, where, why and how
    .
    But the grief that has overwhelmed him, has left him insane
    Open to wrong judgement, out of his depth, simple and plain
    Feeling of his lover’s caress haunts the outer banks of his mind
    Souls were entwined, once gone so how can the other stay behind
    The catastrophic demons that lung to his breath and dine his soul
    Were once only metaphors but now represent true black holes
    The lover gone and the swallowing of grief brings no joy
    The lords shown again, that to him his lamb is just a toy
    .
    Now rough road of loneliness grabs at the knuckles of his feet
    To swallow him, the lover now a minnow his love now deplete
    Soliloquise the scene and look through the mirrored eyes of a man
    To whom every woman is the memory of Murie, regrettable stand
    Every blood gland of the man shakes up at the sight of white sand
    Reminding him of their honeymoon to the Caribbean land, so grand
    But now alone to live with tainted memories of his joyful past
    The man gone old, living in bygone moments that no longer last
    .
    Close the show of unfortunate events in the lover life that hollowed
    The grief left the once brave man, gutted…grief eat him and swallowed

  2. #2
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Poemicoriginate ft. The Abstanti Collective-Atticus
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=291509
    Five People i met in Heaven-Evolve
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=291493

  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Dyl's Avatar
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    Ok I liked this a lot.I really got into this and found it a very enjoyable read.You hit everything spot on and vocabulary made the read even better.

    Heartbroken man swallowed by pains and torment
    The matter rules the mind, rubbishing lover’s intent
    Grief of the lone lover in lone midsummer sheets
    Reminiscing love they would make in summery heats
    Yet the lover alone, the heat of stoves warms him now
    Asks lord questions about her, where, why and how
    ^^This was my favourite bit,some brilliant imagery was used

    I like where you went with this and you showed a lot of creativity and showed once again how good of a writer you are.Really nice drop and i'll be looking out for more as always
    Heard about the guy who fell off a skyscraper?
    On his way down past each floor,he kept saying to reassure himself
    So far so good.....
    So far so good.....
    So far so good.....

    But how you fall doesn't matter
    Its how you land

  4. #4
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    Heartbroken man swallowed by pains and torment
    The matter rules the mind, rubbishing lover’s intent
    Grief of the lone lover in lone midsummer sheets
    Reminiscing love they would make in summery heats
    Yet the lover alone, the heat of stoves warms him now
    Asks lord questions about her, where, why and how
    ^^This was my favourite bit,some brilliant imagery was used
    for rella my nigga

    this was one hell of an om homie..Thats just plain dope

    i liked it all i liked all it alot...

    wat more can i say
    The Rise And Fall Will Be My Death
    So As I Gasp For My Last Breath
    Put the Gage To My Chest
    i Gulp a Heep of Salayva In Distess
    Sound Of The Gun Cocked Wat's Next
    *Bang*
    Bullet Incarnates His Soul
    Burinin His Skin His Heart Turned Cold
    Dead In a Matter of Secounds
    MIND AND THE PEN
    Is the Greatest Weapon
    So Dont Use Gunz or Knives
    Do it If u Dont wanna Live a Life

    Made By Me

  5. #5
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    preciate both comments, thanks for taking out time and reading it.
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  6. #6
    dreadedfistofthenorthwest
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    yo for real son. ILL. you hit the top again for real. loved it. the description in conjunction with the vocabulary came consistent and phat the whole piece through. the meaning and topic were extremely dope and kept it impossible to get bored with it. the rhymin was good. the flow was dope and fits the piece. all those things put together combine into a piece that is legendary for real son.

    9.5/10 few errors here. but i mean VERY FEW!
    The R.
    -The Illest Ever Kid-

  7. #7
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Preciate the comments ma dog and good ta see ya back
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  8. #8
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    stay toppin
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  9. #9
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    this was a very nice piece i was really feeling the structure of your verse id like to start with some mistakes fist off yu had some gramatical errors they could of been avoided but o well but what i did like was the fact you stayed on topic and you had good vocab great emotional verse and flow overall i rate this piece a 8.5/Ten keep up the good work

  10. #10
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    preciate it

  11. #11
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    uppin'
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  12. #12
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    uppity
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dyl
    Ok I liked this a lot.I really got into this and found it a very enjoyable read.You hit everything spot on and vocabulary made the read even better.

    Heartbroken man swallowed by pains and torment
    The matter rules the mind, rubbishing lover’s intent
    Grief of the lone lover in lone midsummer sheets
    Reminiscing love they would make in summery heats
    Yet the lover alone, the heat of stoves warms him now
    Asks lord questions about her, where, why and how
    ^^This was my favourite bit,some brilliant imagery was used

    I like where you went with this and you showed a lot of creativity and showed once again how good of a writer you are.Really nice drop and i'll be looking out for more as always
    ^^^^
    Worded perfectly.......This was a Brillinat Piece...

  14. #14
    Banned Rancor's Avatar
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    preciate the comments

  15. #15
    Banned Rancor's Avatar
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    stay up

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