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Thread: "This Beach is We"

  1. #1

    "This Beach is We"

    It's here, her fragile tears built
    The shallow lake that lays
    In the cob webs of my front lawn.
    It was the black sun's lust
    that stripped our waiting pool dry;
    Our salts formed this tainted beach.

    This land laid the design for agony,
    As we spit shards of glass,
    It was the elephants who bore the brunt.
    Now the purple urchins parade
    Wearing November's ivory hats;
    While their spectators watch on edge.

    The lies have been stacked, and,
    As the fires rage our beautiful ashtray
    Grew higher than the home we gave it.
    I shoveled it out time and time again,
    But what left the window found the door.
    But I built us this sand castle
    from seaglass aged in Jack's throat.

    The seasons come and pass,
    But I never left that porch rocking chair.
    The sage has become what is, and I,
    As the beach still falls from your eyes.
    Last edited by Atti; April 16th, 2006 at 10:21 AM

  2. #2
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Okay i must say this isn't your best work, the imagery was still direct to the point and emotion was good-ish... Your structure as always was flawless in this piece... I liked the topic and the way in which you approached it, you painted a very vivid picture in my head, which i liked , yet it wasn;t as simplistic as at first glance, the wording helped this piece out alot as alot seem to think they can randomly place wording and tend to try to hard to make their word dope, yet i could tell you wrote this with-out over effort... The fact that it was so imagry based really set this up for a good read in my eyes, well done.
    AI


    “ˇViva la Revolución!”

  3. #3
    Ya, it was just a super quick write up. Me and my girlfriend of awhile now broke up so I just needed to vent. Thanks for the feedback.

  4. #4
    ... Bump

  5. #5
    Dune Methane CrazyCarl's Avatar
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    I'm assuming the title in quotes is a personal style, not a phrase we're supposed to recognize. I liked the shallow lake in the cobwebs. I guess they can have water on them. 'Purple urchins' was a good phrase. I like the ashtray growing higher than the house. The ashes would be piling up, doing the growing, but it probably sounds better that the ashtray is growing.

  6. #6
    Ya I just quote my titles *Shrug*
    Thanks alot for the feedback though, I'll reply to your drop tomarrow... I'm out for the night though.
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  7. #7
    Banned Civilized Rebel's Avatar
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    A bit unfocused. But random. And randomality is a form of creativity. The meaning was there too, but lost on me. I can see it's more something expressed for yourself than for anyone else. And it's always healthy to be dropping them ventalation peices. So more power to you on that one.

    I dig the spitting shards of glass line.

    LW

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