Satan's Pain

[Jon]

Satan's Pain

Feeling unbearable burdens, forever carried within
Accepting every mortal being, who ever commited sin
His heart filled with sarrow, emotionaly devistaded
He withstands a huge duty, for eturnity he's hated
Because his job is mistaken, as a home of the malicious
Then his ego kicks in, usual ambition ruins his visions
He's stuck in this hell hole, always trying to get exposed
But with more inhabitants, he is unwillingly enclosed
His prayers are not answered, with god's many disregards
Some say he's a fictonal character, in one of hell's stars
Hearts break, regain strength, then repair the emotional pain
As for his heart, It stays the same, the hurt turns to stains
He is getting older, his royal throne is slowly rotting away
Woundering if anyone will remember the name that once reigned
No lover, most wanting to strive, caught the eye of Satan
Now you see why his sacred pain, is forever forsaken



Links:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=280406
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=280321

[Glitch]

Short but dope this had nice creativity and metas dude real good piece in my opinion could be HOF worthy with me on it lol j/p man great structure and multies in this piece dude just a all around nice drop good concepts alot of imagery in this keep it up Jonathon........peace

Look out for my newest OM coming soon:A Solidiers Sorrow

[Lunatick]

That Was Real Hot I Could See That You Put Alot Of Thought Into This......... It Almost Made Me Feel Sorry For Dude, It Was Creative And From What I Have Seen In OM It's, The First Of Its Kind I Never Herd This Topic Before And For being The First To Put It Out Their It Was Really Succesful..................................

[Donald Trump]

This was real good but no HOF

First off..this started of nicely but the flow got choppy i liked the fact that you tried to throw in some multies but the minagery was wack you had good vocab in some prts and bad vocab in others you should of gone more in-depth and said how he lives a reular day but even without that it was still good 7/10

[DT534]

Interesting topic, nice vocab...it started out real well and got me hooked...the perspective was one i had never though about....you kept it simple, but still used great vocab...8.5/10. nice drop

[eyeQ]

not bad...not bad at all. Take a spelling lesson...lol....the multis could use improvement....but the vocab and the flow were on point...i was definitely feeling this piece a lot. Work on incorporating multis and inners and this piece would be HOF worthy...although who knows with this site. I have seen some bullshit in the HOF. anyways...keep doin....one.

[Saint Jerzey]

this was real good homie...i enjoyed reading it
i almost could feel ur pain, good vocab
real good imagery this iz HOF statuz right here
only problem was that it was a lil small
try to make it bigger the text i mean

[GrimmyReaps]

that was hot i wis hit was a bit longer doe...u coulda pulled the story even longer and mad it deeper...i liked the topic doe it kinda reminds me of pakavelli and shit his demonistic shit...it was a good peace it prob took a long ass time doe...keep that fire burnin hoime...~1~

[Bounce]

Pretty decent simple and straight forward peice here. You did well with the basic components of a verse, but left the reader needing more. I suggest you stop writing stuff like you did as directed at HoF, if you have to ask, then it's not HoF material. This was not even close to what the new standards are for OM HoF, but you did however have a good little peice here. YOu need to have profound concepts and groundbreaking schemes before a peice should be considered for HoF or legendz. I didn;t see anything that has not been done here many times. I didn't feel the emotion a peice that deserves HoF would have, and I didn;t see any comlex ideas going into the verse. This real basic and did the job, so be happy with that. You need to better develop your verse with the reader in mind. You need to use better wrod choice as to aid in your imagery and emotion, maybe a better rhyme scheme and some complexity in terms of gripign metaphors. Some of the lines were just too blan, and the read seemed kind of rushed. You might get some of the kids to come in here and nominate the peice, but that's about it. I tell everyone to write because they love it, not for HoF or any other accolade.

[K-Vibe]

yeah...it was short...but good as fuck...I felt all of it...I spit it to myself with one of my beats...I like it...keep doin ya thing mayne

[Poeta Demonio]

Very good i must say, this may have been short, but it was a good topic and i enjoyed reading the peice, the fact i wanted it to carry on is a very good signal that it's a decent peice of writting... The vocabulary wasn't as good as it could have been, but i won't put the peice down for that as you made it very effective with out using omplexity, it was simple but enjoyable... You obviously have alot of potential in your work, and i look forward to veiwing more and watching you get better and better.

Very good.

[Plexus]

pretty good piece here...very short though would have liked to see more but yea. this wasnt HoF material but it was good. imagry there could have been more of as well as emotion which i think develop better in longer pieces...vocab was probably your high point in this piece and the flow was on point troughout the enitre piece...not a bad job here..just keep writing and working

[Jon]

Thank all for the wonderful feed. Thanks Bounce.
Bump. Please more good feed.

[DimeBag101]

very good drop, and a good concept slowly weaving... nice drp

[chitown_mex11]

well it was good but everything i can say has been said by peepz before me so all i can say is i like it homey~l8er