"The Garden of Eden"

[Atti]

That last withering blink sinks
into the grasp of linking lashes
and said never again will this iris
dance in such a glimmering fashion,
but rather, latter the Mad Hatter
from the rabbit's cavernous palace
to patternless grounds of valance
to decorate the stage of Val Halla.
To the blind the beauty is mind,
use of which is the fuse lit to find
such is the handicaps last stance.
So the dams are barbed and roped,
and the man of smiling scars holds
to find the art of design in a mile of hope.

Closes his eyes, gulps three times;
tries to lose his sight as the light
pries through loops and writes lines
along side the wide end of his noose,
as he resumes a fast descent through
the brain's metal chutes again
....... to conclude in hallucinogens.
Takes that last step left of sane
and dances the fence that intersects
two hemisphere of queer from the brain.
Started there, deceiving ones self meaning
to transcend reason and land pardoned
...................... In the Garden of Eden.

Hollow feet follow eachother past east,
down the serene semi-round frown
that detached from a blown glass sea
of navy blue to meet with gold in piece.
The two interlocked, as blue rocked
its new love to sleep, then the two stopped...
Locked lips fast in a fit of passion
as the two both fell to yellow grass limbs,
and upon Blue's last thrust he knew...
Kissed her cheek and whispered, "I Love You."
Defined sections of their love streched on
along the lost skies shattered white eyes,
As from earth I saw the birth of a spectrum.

Waved good-bye to my dien' days
with a racing mind pacing the woods,
and as that last second danced away,
a man was blessed with death as
the hands of God unlocked the gates.


http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=274946
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=275064

[Sfinx]

That last withering blink sinks
into the grasp of linking lashes
and said never again will this iris
dance in such a glimmering fashion,
but rather, latter the Mad Hatter
from the rabbit's cavernous palace
to patternless grounds of valance
to decorate the stage of Val Halla.
To the blind the beauty is mind,
use of which is the fuse lit to find
such is the handicaps last stance.
So the dams are barbed and roped,
and the man of smiling scars holds
to find the art of design in a mile of hope.
Lol dope opening. the decorating the stage of val halla was a dope line. The smiling scars was also very nice. Dope opener.

Closes his eyes, gulps three times;
tries to lose his sight as the light
pries through loops and writes lines
along side the wide end of his noose,
as he resumes a fast descent through
the brain's metal chutes again
....... to conclude in hallucinogens.
Takes that last step left of sane
and dances the fence that intersects
two hemisphere of queer from the brain.
Started there, deceiving ones self meaning
to transcend reason and land pardoned
...................... In the Garden of Eden.
This flowed dopely. Rhyme scheme was nice, especially in the first 2 lines. I like the way you ended the stanza too. Made me want to read on.

Hollow feet follow eachother past east,
down the serene semi-round frown
that detached from a blown glass sea
of navy blue to meet with gold in piece.
The two interlocked, as blue rocked
its new love to sleep, then the two stopped...
Locked lips fast in a fit of passion
as the two both fell to yellow grass limbs,
and upon Blue's last thrust he knew...
Kissed her cheek and whispered, "I Love You."
Defined sections of their love streched on
along the lost skies shattered white eyes,
As from earth I saw the birth of a spectrum.
Again, dopeness. The way you described the whole even gave me an image. The alliteration of Locked Lips emphasised it alot, and really made me picture it. Givin birth to a spectrum was dope again

Waved good-bye to my dien' days
with a racing mind pacing the woods,
and as that last second danced away,
a man was blessed with death as
the hands of God unlocked the gates.
The rhyme between days away and gates were also very dope. The concluded the peice nicely. The picture of god unlockin the gates was very poetic again.

Very dope peice, as usaull. I love your work.

[Atti]

... Damn, the feed is slow coming.

[Spekz]

Alright....1st of all very original (well 4 me neways)...title/approach to love topic, so neways......about the piece i was very impressed with your structure, and how u were able to have nice internals,wordplay etc in something where i was expecting more of a poem setting. but the flow was moving, it just kept on catching wordplay,nice vocab etc. Im always tellin rizin kats that they need to fiind there style and run with it, but also gotta have control over what they write....and i believe this is the 1st of ur stuff ive actually got down and read. and u have ur style down and u go wit it, ur rhyme scheme wasnt always 1-2, but you incorporated those um loose lines in well as part of a slight pause that in my mind did not hurt the flow or nething it all..actually made a nice switch and kept ya on ur toes, also something i tell young writers, is that sure you can have multies,wordplay,vocab,struc. etc but can you tie that all into ur topic/imagery/emotion...and most have troubles doing all of it...but in this piece i think u had GREAT imagery, emotion was also nice..and ur topic was original and so where a lot of ur lines..so i think u nailed that aspect on the head aswell....i think u juss rlly did a nice write with this one...not much i can complain about.


FAVORITE LINES:

That last withering blink sinks
into the grasp of linking lashes
and said never again will this iris
dance in such a glimmering fashion,
^^dope opener just, got me reading..lil switch of rhymescheme and ur were off!

So the dams are barbed and roped,
and the man of smiling scars holds
to find the art of design in a mile of hope.
^^again lil swtich of style...but i juss lkd the sligh imagery!


along side the wide end of his noose,
as he resumes a fast descent through
the brain's metal chutes again
....... to conclude in hallucinogens.
^^liked the flow,wordplay


THERE WERE MORE..BUT U GET THE IDEA!!



*****if you could hit up my OM "barbaric Brilliance", LINK IN SIG that would be appreciated its my last drop few weeks ago..got a lot of nice replys on it, but not all by good writers....already got nominated once so thats nice....but if u could hit it up..thatd be great*****

[J.Christ]

That last withering blink sinks
into the grasp of linking lashes
and said never again will this iris

didn't rhyme.

Hollow feet follow eachother past east,
down the serene semi-round frown
that detached from a blown glass sea
of navy blue to meet with gold in piece.
The two interlocked, as blue rocked
its new love to sleep, then the two stopped...

that was the hottest, <~~~ my opinion. this was on par i cant really see what you needed help on, everything was on point. Topic was hot . structure was good .
Good shit and keep it coming , cant wait for the next one

[I Am Unreal.]

Yo atticus collab with me, it's barr from rv. Your style is kinda the same as mine. I loved the multies and internals kept the flow smooth and the read great givn' the fact that you didnt use stretched bars. The concept was nice and it was very poetic with great use of metaphors. Liked the way you described landing in the garden of eden, very nice job.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...91#post4040391

[NiNjah Red]

more of a poem than a rap.. but yeah nice
awesome imagery throughout.. i could virtualy see the picture painted.rythym was tite

fave lines

Closes his eyes, gulps three times;
tries to lose his sight as the light
pries through loops and writes lines
along side the wide end of his noose,
as he resumes a fast descent through
the brain's metal chutes again
....... to conclude in hallucinogens.

nice art

up

[Atti]

I just hit all the links. And, I really aprecaite all the feed you guys have given me... Thanks.

[Atti]

...........

[Plain-Thug]

This was a really nice drop....i enjoyed it throughout...topic was cool and the opening was pretty dope...rhymes scheme was good...complexity and vocab was definately here man...i really like this drop....flowed smoothly..strucutre was very even..made it an easy read..overall this was dope..keep it up..peace-

[Atti]

Thanks alot man.

[***Lady_Latin***]

Aiight...ur opening was DOPE! there's not much 2 say bout that...

the way u pull all of da elements of "good writing" 2getha is real impressive 'specially compared 2 wat i seen on dis site so far...i haven't been here long, but i been writin/rhymin since i was lil & it's ez 2 pick out dope drops when u c them!

ur flo was nice...i thought u were gonna lose it on a couple of da lines but it was kinda like u gave da reader a "mental break" b4 u switched it up again--PROPS

Da complexity was prolly my fav part bout da piece bcuz it's hard 2 keep it complex, flo'ing, full of images, & e'rything else...but u deffo pulled it off!!!

Ur 2nd 2 last stanza/verse was wat really made da piece 4 me, topic wise neways...it had imagery in it dat was def dope

as 4 improvement, i'd prolly jus say keep tryn these diff kinda approaches 2 topics 'specially if u's gonna pick a played topic like LUV!

Deffo TYTE DROP! keep postin & elevatin...1

-LL

[Atti]

Thanks alot for all the love everyone.

[Atti]

... Bump

[P. Mortuus]

This was a very good piece, i can see your poetic side highly inspiring many aspects of this OM, i liked the use of metaphors and the flow was good too.
I reckon the real winners of this TOpical were the complexty and vocab, nice stuff keep em comin'

Can ya check this thanks:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....php?p=4060025