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Thread: R.I.P. to my cuzin Ralph

  1. October 9th, 2005, 04:53 PM #1
    Lyrix
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    R.I.P. to my cuzin Ralph

    probly tha only way i can communicate wit u is by this poem i wrote

    Memories can be lost but never forgotten
    On that morning I heard, felt, and feared
    What I feared was the truth
    A truth so fearful it brought upon morbid proof
    God took back the soul of a troubled youth
    My cousin was no saint nor was he a demon
    He gave me inspiration; somewhat the essence of meaning
    I kneeled, teared, and cried when I looked at this body
    I wasnt alone with what I felt I was one of everybody
    I have a lot of memories he left with us
    I rememeber them like yesterday as if he was still with us
    He taught me to not to be afraid but to face fear
    "fear does not exist even if you do shed dire tears"
    I wish I could thank him for that
    I guess thats why I write its my unleashed habitat
    I learn to take life a step at a time
    But still cant let my emotions come from behind
    I cant control where there is no justice
    Thats why heaven you need to hug us
    Just give me a sign that god loves us
    I don't want the fear to be brought among us


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    Originally Posted by kronik-boom
    damn im trippin it don't have his name, i gotta quit smokin
  2. October 9th, 2005, 04:59 PM #2
    Lyrix
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    leave feed back


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    Originally Posted by kronik-boom
    damn im trippin it don't have his name, i gotta quit smokin
  3. October 9th, 2005, 05:07 PM #3
    RE_Clipse
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    I think he'll appreciate that. By the way, was it supposed to rhyme?
    I write what y'all feel, so y'all can feel what I write"
  4. October 9th, 2005, 05:09 PM #4
    James,
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    well......i guess its hard to say anything bad about this cuz ur talkin bout ur dead cuzin but I am sure he'll appreciate it but if you want honest feedback I wasnt feeling it, structure was average flow was good, vocab was decent, didnt rhyme well, I didnt even feel that much emotion from it I give it a 7/10 but still its nice u love him that much to make something like that
  5. October 9th, 2005, 05:11 PM #5
    Queen'y
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    that sounds personal.... i like it
  6. October 9th, 2005, 06:51 PM #6
    Katrina
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    Nice drop was pretty deep
    flow strucutre vocab was nice
    7/10
    ......
  7. October 9th, 2005, 06:52 PM #7
    Johnny 6-feet
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    You have to leave 2 links to 2 open mics you've left decent feedback on or this will be closed. Go to the stickied thread at the top of the forum if you don't know how.

    SS League Record 31-8
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  8. October 9th, 2005, 06:59 PM #8
    Par-War
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    this was definatly a poem, I like ta read more lyrical threads in Open Mic but aside from that.....it was okay. Not anything to spectacular or eye catching but good for a begginer. Kinda simplistic and dull but had emotion, wich made it alot better. Keep improvin fam, I'll keep an eye out for your work.
    One.
  9. October 9th, 2005, 08:18 PM #9
    CrazyCarl
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    The emotion was good, as the topic intended for. The quote you put in there worked alright. Some felt like cliches, with a little change in the wording of some, it may seem fresher. Lines like, remember like yesterday and life a step at a time. Changes in the wording could help. The no saint nor demon was good, showing the extremes.
  10. October 9th, 2005, 08:30 PM #10
    Lurid
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    structure structure strucutre but thats the problem with most verse
    u need some more vocab and a better way to make ur OM shorter and
    flo better . the topic was deep , thats wat u wanted it to b , and it grabs a readers attention . not bad , u cud use some better word play wit it tho
    Notarized Artistry

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  11. October 10th, 2005, 12:52 PM #11
    Lyrix
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    iight ppl thanx for tha comments and tellin me wuh i i needed to improve on and tha next open mic that ima do itz called "The Survival of a Hustler" so look out fo dat


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    Originally Posted by kronik-boom
    damn im trippin it don't have his name, i gotta quit smokin
  12. October 10th, 2005, 01:15 PM #12
    P. Mortuus
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    R.I.P to ya cuz, mAy his soul be in the heaven ghetto
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL
  13. October 10th, 2005, 01:55 PM #13
    nolonger
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