My Down Fall

[~lextownkillaz~]

hook
this is my death.......no explanation needed
this whole fuckin earth is conceeded
the marijuana is literatly needed
so while you have ya problems im gettin weeded
no lies......im the one you despise
been hated most my life....look into my eyes
they teary this world is dreary...i wanna cry
but im a solja so theres no tears dropin
you keep tryin but never is you stoppin
not to many things that make me wanna survive
im just sittin here alive...waitin to die

verse 1
this is the part where i drop a hard verse
but this fuckin world is cursed

ive been spitin spiritual shit since my birth
look in my eyes so deep and youll see my hurt

ive been a lost sould since may 5th 1989
wake up in the mornin...first thing i do is smoke a dime

i poured my heart out to this shit....never noticed
im steady underground...you sayin ya real but your bogus

i have suicidle thoughts....the pain has been brought
you foney and have been caught

but i have so much shit to learn i wanna be taught
theres so many battles to be fought

so much knowledge to be sought...so im not on top
im still in my prime...standin in line...waitin to die

ready for it to come so quickly...they shifty
they comein to split me....comin to get me..im too witty

i wont go out like a bitch...that i refuse...im goin out like pac
writein these deeper than deep lines...then i get shot

hook
this is my death.......no explanation needed
this whole fuckin earth is conceeded
the marijuana is literatly needed
so while you have ya problems im gettin weeded
no lies......im the one you despise
been hated most my life....look into my eyes
they teary this world is dreary...i wanna cry
but im a solja so theres no tears dropin
you keep tryin but never is you stoppin
not to many things that make me wanna survive
im just sittin here alive...waitin to die

verse 2
they pray that i fall.....they pray that i wont make it
i pray that people see that im one of the most hated

uncongradulated...leaves my frustrated...ready to leave
all my eneimies wanna for some reason see me bleed

i have no clue why im still here on this earth
not getting to celibrate my fuckin birth...im cursed

what can i say i wipe my eyes and cant tell you whats what
but if i do die i ask my self this who's gonna give a fuck

will i be noticed fo my accomplishments...or will they be left unnoticed
they read this and ask they're self...who the fuck wrote this

i cant comprehend....what does it take to be a man
i know im here for a reason...GOD whats your plan

someone give me notice because im bringing my self to my downfall
i relise that im tryin to walk before ive learned to crawl

no i wont take that for a answer...im as serious as lung cancer
will i fall or rise to the top....only GOD knows the answer

second verse has been added what yall think

[Johnny 6-feet]

You need to leave 2 links to 2 pieces you've left decent feedback on or this will get closed. Thanks.

[counta fit]

yo man what you talkn bout down fall
less you no how stubbling up iz like man could just b your nite n nites of a round table
your able just go easy on all that pain
itz never sumthing to gane

yo g fuck the faimb can a gun alwayz aim straight put sum rate
n lessn the race to that angle of death liven 4 ever was the test

con-gratz.

[King Cobra]

not good open mic
u know u can do better for a light weight

[LISTEN]

dat was some good shiieet nigga, but i feel for ya if diss how you really feelin.ur structure was top ranked, tthe flow was almost perfect, bring da second verse soon, il be waitin, (send me a pm if ya want).keep spittin or die tryin.
check my stuff out in my links if ya want.

[~lextownkillaz~]

my two links

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...89#post3261889

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...15#post3261915

[Mic D]

hook 1
this is my death.......no explanation needed
this whole fuckin earth is conceeded
the marijuana is literatly needed
so while you have ya problems im gettin weeded
no lies......im the one you despise
been hated most my life....look into my eyes
they teary this world is dreary...i wanna cry
but im a solja so theres no tears dropin
you keep tryin but never is you stoppin
not to many things that make me wanna survive
im just sittin here alive...waitin to die

^^^^Thats one long ass hook......11 Lines?

verse 1
this is the part where i drop a hard verse

^^this aint a hard verse

but this fuckin world is cursed
ive been spitin spiritual shit since my birth
look in my eyes so deep and youll see my hurt
ive been a lost sould since may 5th 1989

^^^5-5 is my Bday bitch...lmao

wake up in the mornin...first thing i do is smoke a dime
i poured my heart out to this shit....never noticed

^^your really just rhyming though.....for emotion to be 'noticed'...you have to have imagery....think about Life kid.....would you notice someone crying to themself in a corner....or someone in the street screamin and beating the concrete.......you have to give people something to see

im steady underground...you sayin ya real but your bogus
i have suicidle thoughts....the pain has been brought
you foney and have been caught
^^this line dont fit in nowhere....doesnt go with anything around it

but i have so much shit to learn i wanna be taught
theres so many battles to be fought
so much knowledge to be sought...so im not on top
im still in my prime...standin in line...waitin to die

^^up until this point its got more of a depressed suicidal vibe...
....but then

ready for it to come so quickly...they shifty
they comein to split me....comin to get me..im too witty
i wont go out like a bitch...that i refuse...im goin out like pac
writein these deeper than deep lines...then i get shot

^^here you go to nobodies gonna stop me type shit.....it doesnt fit....
if you were purposely trying to go from being depressed to I cant be stopped you need a smoother transition...basically build from depression to fighting spirit......overall there is alot that can be worked on

[~lextownkillaz~]

umm u looked at it all wrong homie.........................

[Diabolic Visionz]

good structure ok vocab.. bad flow... u had some attempts at multis and ok wordplay..
some good imagination and creativty..

vocab could have been upped more to make it a way better piece.. couldve added a hook to spicen it up a bit..

not bad but seems a bit original..

[~lextownkillaz~]

there was a hook it was the first thing on there

[Diabolic Visionz]

lol i dont consider it much of a hook more like a verse...

[~lextownkillaz~]

naw its a hook your just gotta hear how its rapped to see how it is a hook

[~lextownkillaz~]

uppin for feedback let me know what you think ppl............

[Evil Thug]

Great peice.
It really hit me.

Vocab- 8/10
flow- 8/10
structre- 7/10
Soul into mice- 9/10

Kepp up the good work homie.

[KaRtOoN]

Vocab- 5/10
flow- 3/10
structre- 8/10
creativity- 4/10

Not very good Aka' u suck neva make anotha om.....JP elevate