ill reassemble ya tissue wit my chisel
my clips burnin ya gristle
yea im from newyork where niggaz bang dem hammers 9's and deuce 5's them eagles oh my
battlin you id rather battle ya moms
bitch im lettin you know i get more pussy than tampons.
when dat chrome hit ya dome its ova
you marshmallow niggaz got you lookin ova ya sholda
you feelin colda and colda
i see you shakin all ova
you checkin ya body
and you feel tha holes of tha shottie.
Last edited by d1; September 14th, 2005 at 10:04 AM
Sorry son but this weak, i dont know how long youve been writing so i'll just guess youve only just started so i'll give you some advice.
When you write your verses try and keep the bars to the same length, putting all your rhymes crunched up like you do just makes the piece look messy and most people wont read it. Your concepts in this was just thug shit so it was just boring, if your gonna do pieces like this you need to mix in some wit and punchlines/metaphors if you want your pieces to improve and get props. Also work on your vocab so you can come up with some better imagery. Just keep writing take my advice and your rhymes should improve.
Return the feed on my piece:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=232302
good lookin warchild im 16 and yea ive just started writin iappreciate the tips
d1
will somebody please critique my shit i just started so let me have it
d1
Hey bro, im 16 and pretty new to wrtin. Readin this piece i can c ur biggest problem is ur flow coz the rhymes werent that bad nor was the wrdplay. the topic was very original, try and stay away from ones like these coz not alot of people read em. Try and write them in bars, in a nice clear format, and keep thewm the same length as warchild said.
The main thing is jst keep writin and practisin u'll get alot beta.
keep it up.
Peacehit me up on "!!! My Room !!!" plz bro.
wud up explosive ive been checkin out your shit and its cool especially"my room"
d1
^ight i agree with Warchild this was a weak piece..mainly due to length off line's and flow..try keep your line's the same length therefore helping the flow off the piece...try and add more multi's to your work as well..also this is a very short piece try and make it longer..im pretty sure the minimum line's for an O.M are 16 but you should check it out ight..keep droppin you'll elevate ight..1
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=232603
^^hit that its not an OM its a poem but feed would still be very much appreciated thankz
this piece wasnt good at all but there is room for improvement. You can either go to the rb help desk and learn how to write or take peeps feed!
Anyway this piece, you need to sort out your structure as in try keep all the lines the same length and if possible try make them all rhyme in some kinda way. Secondally choose a better set of words known as vocab, nobody rates peeps useing weak vocab makes your piece read like garbage. Thirdly throw some meaning into your piece/emotion (based on your topic used) ok, piece
written voices makes hidden noises
thanx yall ill keep that in mind. check out the battle between me and j- rich
d1
16 line minimum.
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