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Thread: Pitch Black

  1. #1
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    Pitch Black

    I switch my hips, and drink in the glances
    chance dances with fate, making my heart beat change
    i can't manage to control the damage though
    my aura enhanced by glow, and i'm aware that it shows
    hair bouncing down the hall, guys smile my way
    but i die inside under words they dont hide to say
    pried at my pride my grip gives way under jeers
    my self confidence non existant because of my peers
    fear of rejection keeps me from showing a grin
    happiness never steadfast, blown away in the wind
    trying to find myself in a hall of mirrors, this dark scape
    casts in everlast, i bathe and wade in heartbreak
    my mother gave me a skin tone dark as the night
    and i happen to hate the way my smile and eyes
    cast shining contrasts to this midnight mask
    this moment this might last..until i return to him
    collapse in embrace look at his face and turn within
    see the light of my passion for passing the glances
    passing the dances with disgrace at my skin tone
    this face, its home, holds back tears and fears of rejection
    until i return to him, unphased by the hurt inside
    his pride shining on me, he smiling at the fact
    kissing away the tears and singing an apology
    an apology for the world's glances, chances usually lack
    the pitch of the song he sings for me, a song of beautiful black
    1luv.
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.

  2. #2
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    ...uppp
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.

  3. #3
    Complex, loved the rhyming.

    You've gotten better I think since I was on last.

    I applaud your work still. Hows life treatin you man?

  4. #4
    Enter Contest
    Guest
    .....

  5. #5
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    Thanks Bloom master Quist appreciate the read, and im doin pretty good...
    and someone ban Enter Contest
    elevation is key, 1luv.
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.

  6. #6
    Agitated Hypomania jay hype's Avatar
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    i like the rhyming

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  7. #7
    Can't teach you my swag! D. Josey's Avatar
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    I liked the rhymin gnad how you fit everything fit in. Good.

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  8. #8
    nice rhyming was spot on and it was a complex piece

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=232603
    ^^hit that thankz

  9. #9
    Halo
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    nice complex rhyming

  10. #10
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    ...i hope u are all banned, elevation is key
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.

  11. #11
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    This was a nice smooth read.. it would definitely make a very nice spoken piece. Quite a straightforward message, but powerful. I really liked the way you depicted the conflict that your character was obviously experiencing.. the sense that he was struggling with his identity; with his race and appearance. And the last two lines were great. I don't have much else to say. I liked this, man, good stuff.
    ...

  12. #12
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    Thanks Torque McPork but again why aren't any of the mods adressing the rampant freeposts in this forum?
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.

  13. #13
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Mocha Rain's Avatar
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    I'm awaiting this in spoken word, as I feel it would better display your emotion. The written suits an oral presentation. I loved the non-excessive repitition towards the end. I'm usually not a fan of repitition, but you used it well. Keep writing...



    If you would swim on the bosom of the ocean of Truth, you must reduce yourself to a zero.


    -Mahatma Ghandi




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  14. #14
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    complex. ILL i enjoyed this alot and it was good with structure and flow
    very poetic lmfao
    7/10
    get better vocab

  15. #15
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    I dont normally post, I think thats obvious, but this written is worth some praise.

    Im going to be redundant and say I liked the rhyming, but no so much as in the words but in so much as the flow. I got a soft spot for those quick rhyming packages like you have here. It really is well crafted rhyming. I also liked how vivid the piece was. I could picture what you were conveying, it brought the reader into your piece and thats key to a good work. Your dualism was also well defined. You see a lot of writers out there forget about it half way through their piece but you kept going back and making the distinction. Overall a well crafted work.




    And I agree, there is rampant freeposting. It happens in all battle sites with distinction made on number of posts. Im sure the mods do what they can but people will do what people do best, break the rules.

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