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Thread: The Rise & Fall of a Criminal Mastermind

  1. #1
    bitch.
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    The Rise & Fall of a Criminal Mastermind

    The Rise & Fall of a Criminal Mastermind
    By The Untouchable One

    ::A Mastermind is Born::

    Johnny, a small child, young and bright and full of life
    Blessed with a complete mind, mean't for right
    To a parents delight, This child shows drive and strive-
    To fight, and accomplish anything that fancy's his eyes
    The child begins school, developing mental truth
    Definitly not a destined goof, or atleast there was no clue
    So smooth, with a mind as clean as a baby's tooth
    Intelligent from the roots, yet with a mind so fragile and loose
    And like being hung by a noose, the child succombs to fools
    Being persuaded into committing something so heinous-
    And dangerous, that could assure his place in the abyss
    So bliss, and unfortunate, the child innocently walks with friends
    Awaiting night fall, where they plan to begin-
    Their mischief, and pain upon a random victim
    The child was tempted, with a mind like a sponge he listened-
    And paid attention, and he smiled at the vision, of killing victims
    It intrigued him, but his thoughts were unknown to his kin
    And that fateful night began a trend, as he helped take a life and sin
    ...And The child left no trace or witness, by killing his own friends

    ::The Rise::

    Now so wild, and evolved from a child-
    Stands the same suicidal killer, solid like a metal pillar
    He doesn't move, for before the judges comes the moment of truth
    The verdict consumes and removes life sentences of doom
    "Not Guilty", and quiet goes the room
    Because everyone knew to an extent, the murderer behind the defendant
    Now not a child, yet mild and everything opposite of the bible-
    Johnny defines a sign of crime and a distorted mind
    He completes school on time, igniting the graduation chimes
    His family so proud, but inside Johnny shouts so loud
    He wants to change, but he doesn't know how
    A doctor was what he was capable of
    Yet like a thug, he slanged drugs, and showed no love
    And followed a path of destined trash, and a life altering crash
    So he gasps them famous last words..."I'll retire after this one last task"

    ::The Fall::

    Johnny plotted and planned and completed his own demand
    And then he began, a gig that would have him condemned by gods hand
    For surrounded by deserted land is where a peaceful bank stands
    So Johnny slyly kidnaps his cure for poverty, the pure bank manager-
    To lure him to disable the bank's alarms to assure-
    The money and escape and finish to the plan he had made was safe
    Johnny, money in hand, drove through the night until the manager awaked
    He then slammed his foot hard on the brakes
    And from the mouth of the captive he pulled a piece of tape
    So the man could plee and scream and attempt to flee
    Only to have Johnny put a bullet in his knee
    Then Johnny shouted and screamed "RUN...YOUR FREE!"
    A sick smile crossed Johnny's face, flashing his teeth
    Johnny then dragged the man through some dirt and towards the sea
    Johnny put the barrel to the captive's head in glee
    For he was about to pull off the World's Largest Robbery
    All his schemes and dreams, and now he completes his criminal masterpiece
    And like a cold disease, Johnny fires a shot that rips through the mans flesh and meat
    And as Johnny retreats, he meets units upon units of police
    One gasp he released, then took off on his feet
    The cops send a shot that screams, and plants Johnny face first in the street
    He watches himself profusely bleed, then his eyes meet-
    A piece of paper with writing so neat
    Seems he outsmarted himself, by writing out every sinful deed he did complete


    "A Mastermind that couldnt be outsmarted was what Johnny was...and in the end...He outsmarted himself."

  2. #2

  3. #3
    bitch.
    Join Date
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    Uppin for feed...c'mon...why U all sleepin?

  4. #4
    Hey, this was a great read untouchable- i read through open mic and picked out the ones in which i like best and reply; so yeah. The concept was real creative and i like how you displayed it. I feel that some more technical aspects of story telling and creative writing could be used to improve; take this constructively, not that i don't think you don't have any technical aspects of story telling. The imagery would improve with the addition of techniques for writing, the imagery in this piece was good; i mean, i got a good image of the story line but no so much of scenes in the story and such. Get me? To sum up my opinion on this piece it was a good read, better than the others in open mic ive read so far. Keep improving bud.
    ComeBack- Remember Potent, If You Do Hit Me Up

  5. #5
    bitch.
    Join Date
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    Thanks for the feed....much appreciated...

    Uppin

  6. #6
    Po'Ethics
    Join Date
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    This was good... Was creative. It's clear you're writing is progressing quickly. I was impressed with your detail and analogies that you included in here, however, I felt there could've been some improvements. I felt the topic could've been a little more creative, or the way the story unfolded could be more complex and detailed. I felt imagery and description was lacking and inconsistant, however, it was better than anything I could do when I had just started in January. I don't want to be overly critical, as its clear that you're improving, and you're new... I'm impressed. Keep it up...

    Thanks for the indepth feed in my OMs you've been leaving.

    Peace
    Po'Ethics Lives

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