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Thread: Ghost of the Devil's Daughter

  1. #1
    Mindless Self-Engulfed In Moniker's Avatar
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    Ghost of the Devil's Daughter

    (picture I wrote to)

    She had my heart on a string;
    had me feeling like I was floating.
    I wish I could let go, knowing..
    missing her is so cliche.

    If you'd say things would be better
    I'll believe you, though I'll still leave.
    The noose had been severed, but
    Our loose ends were never tied.
    Rather, she wrapped them further
    around her gentle finger;
    pulling the tension in the air
    even tighter.

    Bury me in a quiet back alley.
    Hang your pictures on the walls
    around my heart. Stacking bricks
    with each kiss, you've made
    a home here. With fear, boasting
    and loathing, I claimed your sketches
    resembled the art we made.
    The pain we created on canvas,
    was not the mural we began with.

    We danced in darkness,
    lasting the evening; restless.
    Undecisive, yet as it had
    shadowed hope, passing so close,
    I chose living only for seeing
    death held in my hands, and
    her silhouette in a silk dress.

    She had a silver neckless,
    that was thrown in a knot
    around the ash covered clouds.
    Binding light behind blinded eyes;
    looking for storms more suitable
    to the roaring thunder. A grey
    sound heading for a white wedding.

    It was bad weather we had. A black
    sun. An empty emblem of when we
    where drawn together. No colors,
    with a dotted line on the horizon.
    A love that once moved mountains,
    now brought the sky
    crashing
    .
    .
    .
    down


    *this was for Rhetorical Insight, just trying to get some feedback.
    A ruthless
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    of everything existing.
    Po'ethics
    abstanticollective.

  2. #2
    Serene.
    Guest
    Very dope, I've seen alot of poetry to go with that picture and you're somewhere near if not at the top, very deep. Gj.

  3. #3
    Mindless Self-Engulfed In Moniker's Avatar
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    appreciate it
    A ruthless
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    of everything existing.
    Po'ethics
    abstanticollective.

  4. #4
    Mindless Self-Engulfed In Moniker's Avatar
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    ...
    A ruthless
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    of everything existing.
    Po'ethics
    abstanticollective.

  5. #5
    Mindless Self-Engulfed In Moniker's Avatar
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    wow.
    A ruthless
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    of everything existing.
    Po'ethics
    abstanticollective.

  6. #6
    Mindless Self-Engulfed In Moniker's Avatar
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    guess no one liked this one.
    A ruthless
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    of everything existing.
    Po'ethics
    abstanticollective.

  7. #7
    Mindless Self-Engulfed In Moniker's Avatar
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    ^yup.
    A ruthless
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    of everything existing.
    Po'ethics
    abstanticollective.

  8. #8
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    First of all, I'd like to say that the title is dope. Very creative. I'm surprised more people haven't checked it out, and I'm sorry for not reading this sooner.

    I just read the first stanza and I'm loving this piece. I like how you ended the first stanza, it's such a strange emotion that the last line portrays. I'm not sure how to describe it but it's very creative. The first stanza goes very well with the picture.

    Odd second verse, I liked it alot though. You really brought alot of life to something simple. The noose line is very interesting, arouses my attention to the poem. Really makes me want to keep reading, I'm struggling right now to keep writing. Great work here in hyping up the poem to make the reader want to keep going.

    Third stanza, now this is why I think you're the best poet on this site. Incredible third stanza, wow. You really know how to end the stanza in a way that brings something new each time. It's just something you have to think about, and admire. I loved how you ended that stanza. I like the tone, it's not monotone, but it's like talking to some one, not yelling, not crying, but just like talking to some one. A "normal" tone if you will, it's not a bad thing, infact, it's the exact opposite. Impressive.

    Your imagery was so strong in the fourth stanza. Simply awe inspiring. Damn, whole thing was genius. Just one great line after another, after another, after another and after another. The emotion is really taking off in this stanza, I'm starting to get deeper into what your words are saying. A feeling of being completely emmersed in the poem. Right now, I'm not sure what the subject of the poem is. I thought it would be about a little girl to begin with(because of the picture) but now it seems to be about a romantic love because of the dancing in the dark. I doubt it could be about a daughter, I'm edging towards a relationship between a man and woman.

    Hmm, now I'm pretty positive that it's about a relationship of love between a man and woman. The wedding reference really gives the poem more direction and an easier way of understanding it. I liked how the colors were incorperated into this stanza. White wedding, grey noise, silver neckless. It gives the poem a dark feeling, as if foreshadowing something bad is about to happen. I hope I'm right or I'm going to feel like a dumbass. Strong imagery, seems like a set up for something about to happen. The reference to the wedding really gives this stanza imortance.

    Oh, wow. Um, yeah, speechless. Such strong emotion, so blunt and heavy. An incredible way to end the poem, so depressing and such a lack of hope in the tone. It's just so damn hard hitting. I can strongly feel the presence of nothing, like being lost in despair. I loved the first two lines the most.
    "It was bad weather we had. A black sun."

    So powerfull.

    I'd say this is legendary.
    murder murder

  9. #9
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    I've got nothing more to say, Sharp said it all, bastard. Just letting you know I read this through though, Mind; great work, very emotive writing. Sorry for the bad feedback, I just wanted you to know I read it. Peace.
    ...

  10. #10
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    Lmao.

    I hate it when I do that...Sorry man.

    I nominated this y0'.
    murder murder

  11. #11
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
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    i like this a lot. not so full of vocabulary but you got good emotion a lot of good emotion its worded well and you have a good flow n stucture the imagery is very elegant lol. but overall i do think this should be nominated cause this is a good piece props.

    rtf links in the sig.

  12. #12
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Legends doesn't do you justice. You know that as well as I do though. Congrats on finally being recognized.
    can I kick it?

  13. #13
    Truthiness steveontrial's Avatar
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    this was a very strong peice. i love the imagery, and the emotion is conveyed very well. the vocab could use a little bit of an upgrade, but the poem is strong nonetheless. keep up the good.

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    The glass isn't half empty, it's one third full...


    but I wouldn't drink that anyway, it's mostly backwash.

  14. #14
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    very ill god...i love tha deepness and imagery put into this piece...it had average vocab but it suited this piece completely.keep droppin tha hottness.~1~

  15. #15
    Revolution..
    Guest
    wow, so fuckin deep.. i love it.. fuck we have some awesome poets in rb.. nice poem man that stuff deserves legend..

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