A Soldiers Letter

[AbusivE]

Soldier
Family

Dear Family, I 'm sorry, i haven 't had time to write alot of letters
But anyways hows our son? I hope his illness is getting better
Lately i've been tired, I really want all of this violence to unwind
cause everytime a gun fires, i have both of you stuck on my mind
All of the good memories flash infront of me, it's starting to hurt
Remember the day....when our son learned his first word?
Things like that have been stuck on my mind for a few days
but I won't let up the hope, aslong as both of you still pray
I love you two so much, but im sorry, i have no time to finish
Keep praying... I cant wait to come home, smother you in kisses
..................................


Dear Soldier, We miss you alot too, everything you said was so true
We've been getting so lonely.. We wish we could just be with you!
Everytime we hear the door or phone, we get excited wishin you were home
Our son, he can jump so high when excited..... He sure has grown!
Everynight, he stays up looking out he window, waiting for you
Somedays it would be 4am... he would be in his bed praying for you
Everyday he asks about you.. "Mommy, when is daddy gonna be back?"
Without you, we 're always sad... "come back, please dad!"
We try to pass time over with talking, dancing and singing
I'll finish this letter tonight.. i hope its you, the phone is ringing
............................
Still in tears... we're finishing this letter to let you know we still miss you
Even though it has been two years..... since your funeral.


This isn't really my type of thing. wrote it late last night/early this morning, just felt like writing. thought i 'd try something a bit different. i know alot of things need work but im still looking for some feed.

[AbusivE]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...86#post2282086
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=185277

[Issue]

Ok man, I wasn't really feeling this. You had decent imagery but your overall take on the piece was too simple for me. When you rhyme only the last word in the sentences, or it appears that way, its kinda hard to make it flow as its always confined to that one last word, and there is no other way around it. But I could be wrong, maybe you were going for that blunt feel to this piece, where every point or message you attacked very harshly and thats why it seems a little vague. If you were going for this style, it was better than when I first read it but still nothing special. I know you're a good writer, this was just something you felt like writing, hit me up one day for a collab man

[warchild]

The concept was good but apart from the ending which was good i think it was a bit corny i think you should of taken more time with this i think then this could of been a really nice piece.
The structure and vocab were ok the flow was average but i just think you could of made this a lot better maybe rewrite it i think you should do it.

Return the favour:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=185131