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Thread: will they listen

  1. #1
    count on it Slowhands's Avatar
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    will they listen

    we have wars & cancers, without moral answers,
    and people choosing sides as the bullets clamber.
    like foodless campers left in the dark of coldness,
    we all have dreams & hardly hearts to hope with.
    mope pits; a markets focus sloped on pie graphs,
    shows in scope to letting us know who died last.
    combined mass of unkind acts enslaved to hoods,
    as if the trends of today said do away with good.
    decay it would as if made of wood, so sad it was,
    to notice over years this cliche of evil inhabit us.
    savage thus, its bad enough, noticed it goes not,
    he who cast the first stone is below his own rock.
    knowing not they judge, & regretfully it is a fact,
    grudges spawn, & so an awful art of getting back.
    exists a path amidst the wrath, I belong to fright,
    inexact, but a fact a trap is just beyond our sight.
    no wrong from right, so long as would life have it,
    strong confides among a tide of anti-christ habits.
    strife addicts so unlike passive, they hurt for hate,
    justice acts & freedom divides the church & state.
    who would have this savage mass who acts alone,
    but to be exact,this was passed by half the globe.
    civil acts bestowed so not heard will be no voice,
    as unspoken lifes die by mothers whos pro-choice.
    a globe moist to unknown joys, such trouble its in,
    as our own ploys ensure it to only crumble within.
    bundles of sin glow under a dim, but focus'd light,
    as we jump to attend, only to be noticed as right.
    we're the knife of our own demise, a plots in turn,
    and too many know not the might of gods return.
    bright it burns, my life, as now i not doubt things,
    as for the moment, and with these words. . .
    i found peace.

  2. #2
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    powerful. i liked it alot , im not a catholic anymore , and you got into religious aspects alot , but reguardless i liked it alot . much props. im sick of killin' and pimpin' and dub's

  3. #3
    Banned Chronic Cancer's Avatar
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    i agree very powerful peice...its very heavy i think i might nominate it...but i'm not sure...... i like it this much..i think i might

  4. #4
    count on it Slowhands's Avatar
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    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...88#post2263588
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...70#post2263570

    ^my replys



    thanks for the response, hopefully i can get someone to elaborate more on what i might need to improve with. thanks up

  5. #5
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    improve? i think you should put out a fuckin album, i no theres alway room for improvision , but i totally dig ur style im nominating it 4 shure , u kinda remind me of an introverted catholic aesop rock ... not shur how much sense that makes outside my own mind

  6. #6
    Po'Ethics
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    Firstly... Although I'm new here it's nice to see vets returning. I really appreciate the feedback you left on "Alone I Seek..." it's things like that that encourage me to keep writing...

    Anyway... The one word I could choose to describe the way this was written was powerful. The emotion that was present and the sheer force behind it was very good. You wrote with pretty good vocabulary... It suited the subject matter but in places, I felt it could've perhaps been a little better. Your exactly equal line length was impressive... The result being an excellent flow. I think it could've done with a little paragraphing but it wasn't an incredibly long piece so that wasn't that much of a problem. Perhaps a little more metaphor... Description might help you convey your message a little better? I don't think this was a topic for that anyway so I won't go into details because for all I know you use metaphor and such a lot in your pieces.

    I hate to criticize this because there really was hardly anything wrong with it... If you were under the illusion that there was a lot to pick at and correct in this you were mistaken. Your writing style was interesting and good... The line length control was very good also. I was impressed... This was a very good piece.

    Stick around... Drop some more OMs I'll look out for them.

    Peace
    Po'Ethics Lives

  7. #7
    count on it Slowhands's Avatar
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    thanks for the feedback, but on a side-note, i'm upset at the turn this took on the religous side. i was implying almost the socialist decay of mankind, and the religion was only meant to be an example of how drastic things are getting. but thanks for the input Deviate, i always welcome opinions on these things. up

  8. #8
    count on it Slowhands's Avatar
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    up to me again
    Last edited by Slowhands; April 8th, 2005 at 12:24 AM

  9. #9
    The R in RB.Com
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    I didnt get the point of it...mostly cause i dont think too far into things now a days but the rhyme scheme on this was flawless!! It was a very smooth read and just flowed very well...stop writing, start recording. Im sorry i cant comment on the content its just i didnt get it

    2nd try...

    So i read it and im still not to clear on your message. I tried to follow along but it seemed you jumped from idea to idea before one of them could stay in my head long enough to analyze. It seemed that your examples were reinforcing alot of hyporacy (sp?) and stupidity in our society..so im guessing that you can see these but not fall victim to it? Wow, im seriously lost...

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  10. #10
    count on it Slowhands's Avatar
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    almost^ but its funny cause i once had an english teacher tell me i was a superb writer but couldnt stick to a single idea. but anyhow, this piece was about the "overwhelming-ness of society" these days, i had to make it confusing yet somehow relevent, i dunno if it comes across as it did me when writing, and its not that i dont fall victim to it, but i just notice it. i dunno i'll retry at this one most likely
    up

  11. #11
     
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    ^ I agree with that to some extent(the realist). I think it was very fluid
    indeed and could probably be converted to an audio, if that
    isn't what you already had intended. The use of good internal
    rhyming also helped with the over all smoothness of the read
    as did the uniform structure and close syllable count. The
    assonance was also particularly good, as each line flowed
    nicely into next without sounding rigid. Anyways enough about
    the mechanics, i'll move onto the content. I really don't see
    why everyone was mentioning something about religion; i did
    see that at all. Rather i think the message was pretty clear.
    And like you mentioned in a previous post it seemed like a
    commentary of sorts on the decaying state of the society we
    live in. And maybe more so the morals of man kind as a whole.
    You started off strongly, the first couple of lines did a good
    job of making the theme of the piece apparent and drew me
    in so to speak. The rest followed suit in conveying the point
    fairly well, however in some spots i think you became a little
    focused on the scheme, or at least it seemed that way to me,
    and the content some what suffered. Like you were just
    trying to make it flow good. Also i think this came into play
    in the wording department. Some lines were phrased a bit
    akward in my opinion and could have been worded better.
    Though im probably just being picky. Overall this was nicely
    done, i would have liked to have seen maybe just a tad more
    depth into the things you addressed as you kind of skipped
    from idea to idea but none the less good work.
    Props for dropping this as it is way above average for the
    garbage flooding this forum as of late. Keep at it.

    -peace
    Last edited by Mantra; April 8th, 2005 at 01:33 AM
    ...

  12. #12
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    This was some good shit son. Really feelin it. Good structure. Helped it flow smoother and easty to follow.Keep up the work son. Lookin forward to readin more drops from you.

  13. #13
    BRB, Jumping Ship Baron Mynd's Avatar
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    This was pretty dope man, though - DROP THE EVEN BARS! DaMn. You dont need them .. all they do is restrict your writing in a way, cos you're always looking to shorten the bars up a little here and there when really there is no need. I liked this. First shit ive read from you in a while, but it wasnt bad. Made for a good read.

    Props man.

    Check out mine if you get a chance ..

    WORD P e r f e c t !


    RESERVOIR GODS


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  14. #14
    count on it Slowhands's Avatar
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    Mantra thanks for the lengthy reply, they seem to get few and far between these days. You actually got my topic, kinda. I know i need to work on focusing on certain ideas, but its like once i start theres a ton of stuff i start thinking. Its like on my S.A.T.'s back in the day, the essay part was on Conservation and in 200 words, i thought WTF, needless to say i ended up with a 5 part essay with about triple the amount required, i just dont know how to turn it off.
    Baron, thanks for the props, i'll peep yours with a reply, and everyone keep a lookout for another one with me and deviate.

  15. #15
    Po'Ethics
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    Quote Originally Posted by AMEND
    everyone keep a lookout for another one with me and deviate.
    Word ...
    Po'Ethics Lives

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