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Thread: Lady Lazurus

  1. #1
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Lady Lazurus

    You’re finally dead to me
    In a white, feathered gown
    Of a vague, pale memory

    Shut up, stop speaking
    Your voice is drowning out
    Your faint heart beating

    Frailing and ail
    Your soft kiss with a raspy tongue
    Leaves the passion stale

    The music pulsates
    Whether Korn or phonograph
    I’ll find your ghost in the hallways

    I’ll find your love in life
    - In my sickness and in my health
    ‘Til your poltergeist is dried ice

    Your perfume is vomit
    Let me choke up the remnants
    Of my adam’s apple from my stomach

    Your hair is frayed noose
    And I can feel your silky throat
    Grasped in my hands in the form of GreyGoose

    Cluthing your locket
    I find your honesty and trust
    With a broken condom in my pocket

    I think I broke the cycle
    When suicide took your life flow
    In your stormy eye’s tidal

    At the seams of time I tug
    If you don’t have any more love
    I hope you crumble to the floor

    So I can sweep you under the rug.
    can I kick it?

  2. #2
    You've Earned a Custom Title! 2_sides_of_life's Avatar
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    yea this was nice, real good flow, very interesting read.

  3. #3
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Read this.
    can I kick it?

  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title! The Vortex's Avatar
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    iz pretty coo. nice short mettas.. i wrote something similar in Haikus today.. so it appeals to me.. the way you delivered the words was good

    your perfume is vomit... ha ha
    .................................................. ......................

  5. #5
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Up. Drop links or something.
    can I kick it?

  6. #6
    You've Earned a Custom Title! ~{ExClusive}~'s Avatar
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    pretty good, nice stucture great flow no foced rhymes at all, good emotion good imagery, nice style, made me feel inspried to write somin like this again, lol, keep doin more i would like to see more from you

    RTF links in the sig pz
    ..Battles..

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  7. #7
    Beautifully Decayed Mesmerize's Avatar
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    okay, first off, the name of this really grabbed my attention. Your really starting to impress me with your unique creativity, its very poetical and leaves me thinking. I really enjoyed this- the words you used, the style of this as well as the unique way you approached the topic. It created a real feel of your emotions in this. Very nice imagery I might add also. Cool stuff. Keep it up.

    peace,
    Mez

  8. #8
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    I had a long essay-like reply to this yesterday, then my computer died on me.

    I was impressed with the depth of this piece. And it was kind of broad in a way - you kept things open, didn't expand much on the literal, but the voice was such, that it left the poem open for the readers to draw their own conclusions. It was basically the way that you left the greater metaphor open to interpretation, that made this into a very very good drop.

    Very creative work, a good piece to finish with.

    - Dan.
    ...

  9. #9
    Isnt it spelled Lazarus? Anyway, this was definately unique and original. At first i wasnt feeling the rhyme scheme and short stanzas but now i like them.

    "your perfume is vomit" is a really abrupt change in the mood and tone. I didnt really like that part.
    The ending was a cool way to tweak the style and close this piece. Yeah, i really like the ending. The imagery was good in this, it provoked a lot of images in my head. Emotion was definately there. I like how this was real open to interpretation too. Metaphorically this can be twisted into lots of things.

    -good drop, interesting

  10. #10
    Black Knight
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    it was good

    ^don't freepost
    leave good feedback hoe

    -Mantra
    Last edited by Mantra; March 15th, 2005 at 10:51 AM

  11. #11
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Thanks for the looks, appreciate it, and to Ex, I will hit that up.
    can I kick it?

  12. #12
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    Wow this was dope man...really strong imagery in this and it seemed like every word was selected perfectly, near-flawless word choice, i liked how u made it slightly hard to grasp, you didnt just give it to the reader you alluded to the point in a lot of lines, also your structure and rhyme scheme was dope and made the overall impact of each line greater, overall a great read man...if it isnt trouble check my piece "My Love Poem", much love man, nothing but respect for you, elevation is key, 1luv.
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.

  13. #13
    You've Earned a Custom Title! 'Young Cell''s Avatar
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    Rat ass nigga yourz a animal,youz a mufukin animal..llSnake ass nigga youz an animal, youz a mufukin' animal..llPig ass nigga yourz an animal,yourz a mufukin animal.lBitch ass nigga you aint no animal..llIma show these mufucka's how to handle you..ll
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    i really wasnt feeling this all that great

    Don't free post again
    leave good feed or die

    -Mantra
    Last edited by Mantra; March 15th, 2005 at 10:52 AM

  14. #14
    You've Earned a Custom Title! 'Young Cell''s Avatar
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    Rat ass nigga yourz a animal,youz a mufukin animal..llSnake ass nigga youz an animal, youz a mufukin' animal..llPig ass nigga yourz an animal,yourz a mufukin animal.lBitch ass nigga you aint no animal..llIma show these mufucka's how to handle you..ll
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    but one think i forgot you have great emotion
    why didn't you edited your first post?
    Don't free post again
    leave good feed or die

    -Mantra
    Last edited by Mantra; March 15th, 2005 at 10:53 AM

  15. #15
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    Wow.
    ...

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