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Thread: Twisted Story

  1. #1
    Vomit lyrically_insane's Avatar
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    Twisted Story

    TWISTED STORY

    Three men enter one room with two suspicious briefcases
    One races to the case, while the others keep poker faces
    He opens it to check if the loot is still intact
    Then sets it on a rack, with the wall to his back
    then a black rat-pack arrives at the scene in a limousine
    To trade the M16s, in exchange for a major stash of green
    And once they seen it was clean, the deal became sealed
    But someone inside squealed, with a hidden reel-to-reel
    So they made him feel the steel, stabbing knives in his eyes
    Cuz the size of his lies had him disguised as “one” of the guys
    The stabber ran for his life, out into the bright sunlight
    The boss said, "You shouldn’t bring a KNIFE to a fucking gunfight!"
    He couldn’t run right, so he tripped and partially fell
    And with every clip and shell, they ripped him to hell....

    Then all the violence, brought the brawl to eerie silence
    They said, "Why was there defiance towards these Mafia giants?"
    "No compliance, no respect, now someone's stabbed in the neck,"
    "The other got shot to heck, and put in check with a tech"
    so, now it was two against three, in a Mafia standoff
    He said, "Who will land in the sand soft? And who will vanish like Gandalf?"
    "Could you really shoot MY hand off? Or put a hole in my heart?
    And these were the thoughts that would pull all of 'em apart

    Then the police raced in, facin' a deadly situation
    Yelling, "Nobody move!" As they radio the police station
    Then the gun positions change, with rapid fire exchange
    In a close-combat gun battle at point blank range
    One man grabbed the money and headed for the door
    And he was dead on the floor, quicker then my metaphor
    A cop got pistol whipped and got knocked unconscious
    Stomped, like in moshpits, and taken for hostage
    But bullets attracted to the cop's face like opposite magnets
    He pulls a grenade pin, and blows the faggots to fragments

    It's now down to three cops, verses the two Mafia rivals
    No chance for survival, when up rolls a five-0
    The rivals contemplate whether or not they're bold enough
    And shoot a hole in the cop's skull, while he's pullin' up
    He crashes into the limo, like a fender-bender
    The men surrender, and get beaten till their tendons are tender
    One cop checks the place, and counts the money in the case
    Then he sprays the other cop in the face with a can of mace
    He strangles his partner, putting his whole life in check
    And says, "this is for my wife", and stabs a knife in his neck
    Then he starts up the car, with the engine on fire
    Then he pops the cop's head, sounding like thunder under his tire
    The evil thoughts transpire, through the mind of this vampire
    As he turns to the buyer, and burns him in the fire
    Then he looks at all the carnage, and the bloody lunchmeat
    Brings his wife all the money, and they escape the country…


    aight leave sum feedback on this people!!!tell me what ya think about it
    VERBAL INTERCOURSE

  2. #2
    ThaShauman
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    man im madd diggin ya format and your wordplay....eye friendly so i could understand it and it all flowed together... very nice piece brah...

  3. #3
    REAL
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    Dope man you got great drop this one was good because of the story telling in this peice..........cant say anything bad about it...................8/10.........good description...

  4. #4
    umm i dont see anything bad about this pretty good give you a 8/10 as well keep droppin

  5. #5
    Lady Redd
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    That wuz off da chain i give it a 9/10!!!!!

  6. #6
    Po'Ethics
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    I liked that a lot... Nice story with a good twist at the end. Good length - you didn't cut your story short. Very good imagery, I could almost see the scene. Vocab wasn't amazing but it was perfect for this story - helped to make it easy to read considering the length.

    If you could check out "Messiah Complex" in my sig I'd appreciate it.

    Nice work.

    Peace
    Po'Ethics Lives

  7. #7
    Dune Methane CrazyCarl's Avatar
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    I liked the rhyming for this. Keep developing your style. The topic was good, you were very descriptive, and you stuck with the story throughout the piece. Keep up your imagery and wordplay.
    Return the feedback
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=172439

  8. #8
    Banned
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    You need to leave 2 links to 2 open mics that you left decent feedback on or this gets closed, Thanks.

  9. #9
    Vomit lyrically_insane's Avatar
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    aight here go tha links....
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=172621

    and LADY REDD's freestyle TEXAS!!!!!!!<<for sum reason it dont wanna lemme copy and paste tha link.......
    VERBAL INTERCOURSE

  10. #10
    yea... Red_'s Avatar
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    yo tight story line nikka...i liked the multies and shit in this one...rhyming concept was below wth im used to hearing from ya but it go perfect with this kinbda drop....keep da shit kumming nikka

  11. #11
    Vomit lyrically_insane's Avatar
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    ^^^^.....UPPING THIS PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    oh and can yall leave feedback for :

    A WORLD FULL OF ATTROCITY
    VERBAL INTERCOURSE

  12. #12
    Vomit lyrically_insane's Avatar
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    UP,UP,Up,Up,Up

    UPPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    VERBAL INTERCOURSE

  13. #13
    Banned chuck taylor.'s Avatar
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    nice shit nicca,yall can teach me some shit in OM eh lol
    good use of wordplay, complexity was there,cant say nothing was wrong wid it
    w0rd

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