father forgive me

[ninjaboy]

aight, this is short right now, in time i hope to have a whole second verse, and a longer first verse, but i'm having a writers block, so i figured maybe some critique would help. please be real, i'm gonna try and put some work into this one, make it my first audio eventually. thanx in advance


(talking)
father forgive me... we both know that i have sinned... and we both know why... but only you can look inside, and pass judgement...

(chorus)
father forgive me for the way i used to run the streets
father forgive me for the way i used to come with heat
father you give me all the strength i need to lace the beats
father your with me when i'm with my homies blazin weed

father forgive em for they know not who they fuckin with
i had to hit em cuz they came through here to buck the kid
put bullets in em then run out load up another clip
never a quitter but i think i've had enough of this
a heavy hitter but i think i've had enough i quit
no longer have the energy to put up with this shit
father i call on you to fill me up inside with courage
father i fall on you don't ever let me get discouraged
a soldier with two shoulders and a chip on one
and the world on the other so keep a clip in the gun
i life filled with hennessy and hoin is fun
but i'm tired of waking up not knowing, i'm done
when i speak, it's like a biblical deliverance
the difference, is i never feign at omnipotence
pay attention, so you feel it you not just listenin'
your about to witness the first ever lyrical christenin'
don't worry i'm not gettin spiritual on you mother fuckers
i'm just try to distinguish myself from other suckers
i may be gansta but i'm nothin like these other hustlas
so fuck you haters who see me as just another busta


not done but lemme know what u think

[noncentz]

gangsta ish doesnt seam like you not that its basd it just doesnt seam authentically you and i think thats why i feel it may have fallen off a bit but still a good post

[Ndustrial Minded]

man gangsta......its not that hard to pull off.....good post never the less...no hate man......but gangsta shit isn't that had......keep postin....but try somethin different

[STAT$]

Ehhh not really feelin this one.......like said above no hate .......just go a different route with your pieces

[Novacain]

I dont get the gangsta pieces anyway, but thats only this unfinished piece.

You don't know wt ninjaboy is gonna do for the second verse, ok man keep droppin and drop that 2nd verse if you don't do it str8 to audio.

----
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=167239
peep that for me son, thanks

[ninjaboy]

thanx, i kinda hear u on the gansta thing, but that's part of me, whether i like it or not. that's why it comes out in some of my rhymes. but thanx for the feed regardless. here's my links:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=165253
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=166382

[ninjaboy]

uppin, i've finished the first verse and part of the second. i'll post it as a new thread tommorow, but more feed on this would be appreciated

[ninjaboy]

uppin

[CrazyCarl]

This was alright. In the beginning you stayed on topic, the second part was more general. You should go into further detail, like an experience, in your second verse.

[Atti]

This Wasnt Too Bad...
The Flow Was Real Smooth And Consistant...
So That Was Pretty Good, Even Though It Was Alittle Basic...
Uuuuum Good Structure...
Decent Imagery The Emotion Coulda Been Alittle Better...
The Storyline Was, Meeeeeh...
I Dont Really Like The Ganstah Type Shit...
Its Played To Noooooooo Ends Cuz So Many People Wanna Be A Stereo Type...
But You Did Aiight With The Topic...
It Was Just A Generic "Ill Kill You" Piece...

I Actually Really Liked The Hook Until The Last Line...
The Last Lines Flow Was Alittle Awkward...
It Was Decent, But Since The Other Parts Were Smooth It Sounded Worse...

Not To Bad At All Though...
Stay Up And Keep Writing...
.One.

[Mistral]

Hmmm...This was alright here man....kinda gangsterish in a way...But for that type of piece i thought it was put together pretty well though...You had some ok structure in the piece, which always helps the flow out But some of the lines seemed a little stretched then some seemed way to short, should try to even them out so it flows a little better with the syllabal count...You had some multies scattered through out the piece which is always nice to see, helped support the flow and made a little more complex....the flow to it though was alright i thought, could have been better in some spots but i mean it was alright overall...The chorus/hook to his was ok, I thought it was pretty good for this type of thing just the last night kinda just didnt fit into the whole thing i thought...but overall this was ok man...Maybe try a different topic but for this you did good...Keep at it.