Jekyll, Bloomquist & Foreshadow - The Hive

[Dan Dare]

The Hive.

[Jek']
Drones in droves, carving clones – the bees multiply,
A carpenter’s home, infested with yellow and black.
Humming, brimming under the soft coloured sky,
Trying to find individuality: a sting in a needle stack.
Wooden shed dwellers, a honey-dripped maze - true.
Violent huddles and swarms; crawling, itching skin.
Poisoned honey. Against the grain: bleeding anew,
Bleeding within. Hovering over an open bottle of Gin.

[BQ]
Bee's minds complex over work, to the point
of ignoring beauty around them.
Such inferior things, working together so purely,
whom can surely debate against this truth?
Bland senses of beings failing to think of
a greater meaning, for they focus only of what
lies ahead of them.
Tongue’s confused, speech is stressed with anguish…
Never looking to the past, to help them within
present or near future. Work overloads minute
thoughts, leaving no space for happiness.
So is there a meaning to these bees lifes...
Without purpose?
To slave away and make honey...but for what reason?
Is it inevitable to complex and comprehend a greater truth
to such a minute and unimportant fact...
It seems we miss out on life...

[Shadow]
The hive creates a sense of security that I love to hate
Because no one of us is in that one individual mind state
We take orders and most of the time we do as we are told
Is there even a purpose to this way of life, now break the mold
Why must we always work of the betterment of the hive?
I want to do things on my own and I want to survive
But among all things, I’m tired of this meaningless existence
Because repetition is solemn and life looks great from a distance

[Foreshadow]

Bump.. Bump.. Bump..

[Foreshadow]

Feedback is wanted.

[Bloom.Quist]

*claps*

Feedback bitches.

[Neruda II]

Jekyll: Your part was so strong in it's poetic qualities. The hive stands for a metaphor. Of our humane, of our qualities. You touched on our worst qualities, on our pain, on how we inflict pain on each other, on how we drown our own pain. I liked your word choice, you made the words your own. Your rhyme scheme was ABAB, I don't find myself enjoying that type of rhyme scheme much, but your bars were short so it didn't bother me. The flow was strong and easy to follow. You're a great poet, you really understand the mechanics of poetry.

BQ:Bravo, you really brought the emotion into this collaberation. I really like how you started this, great opening lines. So true, your part was so very true. You made me feel what you were saying. I really liked how you changed the "bees" into "we" at the end of the poem. You didn't use a rhyme scheme which I realy liked. Your part was nessecary to bring feeling into this.

Foreshadow:Very, very strong closing lines. It really sumerizes the whole idea behind this piece. I didn't like how your rhyme was stretched a bit. I think that's the only thing I didn't like in this collaberation. I did however liked you syntax. You used words to your advantage, you explained your idea well. I think that you have elevated alot since I first read your poetry so long ago.

Overall: This was a very interesting piece, the idea was creative, and fresh. I'm glad that you guys decided to take a shot with something new. All of your pieces brought something new to the table, and it all mixed together so well. Keep writing, you have so much talent.

[Dan Dare]

^ thanks a lot, that's some real nice feedback there. UP.

[Ever Dream]

[Jek']
Drones in droves, carving clones – the bees multiply,
A carpenter’s home, infested with yellow and black.
Humming, brimming under the soft coloured sky,
Trying to find individuality: a sting in a needle stack.
Wooden shed dwellers, a honey-dripped maze - true.
Violent huddles and swarms; crawling, itching skin.
Poisoned honey. Against the grain: bleeding anew,
Bleeding within. Hovering over an open bottle of Gin.

Alright Jek, You did a wonderful job with this, it is indeedly an excellent way to begon a poem, and the imagery that you set off by your self that gives the outlines of the imagery for the rest of the poem is incredibly clear and apparent. You did a wonderful job building up the poem to the excellence standard that its at... great job hun!

[BQ]
Bee's minds complex over work, to the point
of ignoring beauty around them.
Such inferior things, working together so purely,
whom can surely debate against this truth?
Bland senses of beings failing to think of
a greater meaning, for they focus only of what
lies ahead of them.
Tongue’s confused, speech is stressed with anguish…
Never looking to the past, to help them within
present or near future. Work overloads minute
thoughts, leaving no space for happiness.
So is there a meaning to these bees lifes...
Without purpose?
To slave away and make honey...but for what reason?
Is it inevitable to complex and comprehend a greater truth
to such a minute and unimportant fact...
It seems we miss out on life...

Bloom, your part that was set in so that you gave the poem the emotion... and that is something that you have excelled in. Your part has climaxed the piece at just the right place, and exactly the right time. For that I applaude you because that is a talent that not everyone can time exactly the way that you have.

[Shadow]
The hive creates a sense of security that I love to hate
Because no one of us is in that one individual mind state
We take orders and most of the time we do as we are told
Is there even a purpose to this way of life, now break the mold
Why must we always work of the betterment of the hive?
I want to do things on my own and I want to survive
But among all things, I’m tired of this meaningless existence
Because repetition is solemn and life looks great from a distance[/FONT]

Shadow, great job, excellent way to end such a wonderful piece. You've given the poem an ending that has meaning. You have such a way with leaving the reader thinking as you conclude your poem. Wonderful job with your part.... honestly, great job.


Overall: All three of you have done excellent jobs with the three individual pieces, and all as one poem.... the three of you have generated a spectacular poem that in a matter of speaking leaves the reader thinking even as the poem concludes itself. *Claps* Great Job all three of you!!!!

[sNoopfox]

Quality piece. I don't have much theoretical knowledge of poetry so I couldn't really judge to give proper feed back...but i did love the symbolism you used and the message conveyed in the poem...in a way, how you used the bees and the hives symbolically to represent us as people...it allows the reader to visualize themselves within the system your portraying and see more clearly their surrendings in real life. Looking from the outside in you can see a lot more clearly and raised more honest questions.
Good drop...

sNoopfox

[Dan Dare]

Thanks.

[Dan Dare]

Up.

[Prince Escobar]

Dope collab my fellow Boobies...
Jek:
Your opening line was dope, your piece definitely seemed to be the most eloquent as well as the most fittingly crafted. The first read was not worthy of being critiqued because i missed the format you used, but upon re-reading it i could aptly appreciate it's brilliance, good job.
Barbeque:
Your piece had quality depth and presented some really good ideas that leads the reader to your point rather then just presenting your point. This particular line "Never looking to the past, to help them within" this is a general umm belief i suppose for lack of a better word at the moment something along the lines of "If you don't know where you've been you wont make it where you're going" i liked that you incorporated that motif in your verse, it aptly put this joint in perspective.
Foreshad:
You came at this joint from a completely different perspective, you definitely took a more simplistic approach to the topic. Your verse definitely tied up the collab nicely, the tone you ended on really gives the reader something to chew on. Your approach was direct and even though i am repeating myself, you tied up this poem nicely, props
all of you stay up, 1luv.

[The Vortex]

a deep poem you've directed me to here Jekyll

seems very well written... I'll get back to you 2moro when i read it more at home

[In.Fa.Red]

!..Jekyll..!

Your Piece was Good..I Felt That It Topped Emotion Strongly All Tho Your imagery Could Of Been Better...Your vocab Was used Nice And The way You Structured It Was Good..Also The Way That You Expressed Your Thoughts Threw Your Piece Was Good.. I Enjoyed Readin Your piece And it Was Very Easy To Understand...Your A Very Nice Poet...Keep It Up

!..Best Part..!

Humming, brimming under the soft coloured sky,
Trying to find individuality: a sting in a needle stack.
Wooden shed dwellers, a honey-dripped maze - true.
Violent huddles and swarms; crawling, itching skin.
Poisoned honey. Against the grain: bleeding anew

!..BloomQuist..!

Your Piece was Outstanding...It Was Pretty Much The Opposite Of Jekylls...I Think Your Part Topped The Imagery And Didnt Have Alot Of Emotion..But You Described Your feelings Very Nicely...The vocab Could Of Been Used A Little Bit Better And The way Your Piece Is Structured Is Also Very Good..Your Piece was Easy To Read But It Took me About 2 or 3 Times To Over Read It Before I Truely Understood What You Were Saying

!..Best Part..!

whom can surely debate against this truth?
Bland senses of beings failing to think of
a greater meaning, for they focus only of what
lies ahead of them.
Tongue’s confused, speech is stressed with anguish…
Never looking to the past, to help them within
present or near future. Work overloads minute
thoughts, leaving no space for happiness.
So is there a meaning to these bees lifes...
Without purpose?

ForeShadow

Your Piece Was I Think The Most Enjoyed One out of The 3..It Has ALOT OF Emotion And Alot of Imagery Which Pulled Together Threw This piece Very Nicely..Your stucture was Good And Even Tho It Was Short It Had Nice Vocab And It Expressed Your feelings And The Topic Very Nicely..Id Like To See More From All Three Of You..And Maybe Even Collab With One of You 3 Or even All 3 Of You..

!..Best Part..!

Because no one of us is in that one individual mind state
We take orders and most of the time we do as we are told
Is there even a purpose to this way of life, now break the mold
Why must we always work of the betterment of the hive?
I want to do things on my own and I want to survive
But among all things, I’m tired of this meaningless existence

[The Vortex]

Yo its all good for real … before reaching the 3rd verse I thought to myself
That this poem could be describing the possibility of a human mind-state,
And the 3rd verse hinted at just that.
I personally would have trimmed the 2nd and 3rd verses a little,~
Cutting out certain repetitions of small words like ,and,to,a, this,the…etc etc

1st verse~
Wooden shed dwellers, a honey-dripped maze - true….?~
Why is the word “true” at the end?... it doesn’t seem to fit even tho it rhymes

2nd verse~
Is it inevitable to complex and comprehend a greater truth It seems we miss out on life...
= (this line is confusing!)

Sall good tho yo.. it all fits together well and tells the tale on point... Nice concept and metaphoric fusion,
Pz.

[Foreshadow]

The last verse was the same length as the first but up.