Mr. Perfect

[Awaken]

SMZ - Save The Whales?
Troop - Rapverse Representation

Title - Mr. Perfect
Author - Awaken
&copy Awaken 2004-2005

Alarm clock, beep, 7 o'clock...on the dot
Open my eyes to a poster that says, "You're a BIG shot"
Click, away with the noise, I put on my suit
Tighten the tie that's loose, it's life I pursue
Ready for work, open the door, to a world that's beserk
Coffee made, obsurd, how it was so perfectly stirred
One sip, gone, out the door, my day, I'm ready for sure
It's life I adore, mourn, scorn, so beautiful, I was born
To achieve, I was born, to believe in peace
And to believe, that the whole world revolves around me
Step by step down the street, looking confirmed
People think I'm a hero for helping all these children learn
But something happened, that noone could cope in mind
I felt a pinch at my side, and I never awoke that night
Drunk driver, went off road, just to put on a show
At first, he thought it was funny, and to overdose on bubbly
The funeral, sad, my family, was crashed
But in the end, it was the perfect way, to end a perfect man's life
Atlast...

[CrazyCarl]

Nice job changing the mood, from uplifting to tragic and back to uplifting. Thats an example of good writing.

[SMZ]

ehh - decent ish - diction needs to be smoothed out though - story line was coo though and the order you described things in was good too - just the wordings were distracting - felt kinda short too - keep at it man - peace

[Chronic Cancer]

tight.... good shit..... keep it up....

[Awaken]

You have to read it as where the commas lay, take a quick lil pause between em all.

but 3 replies with like no feed at all? gee thanx guys

[warchild]

the verse was average man, the structure was good ya flow was average but the twist at the end was good but that was it.
reply to my last post.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=163673

[Miss_Jess]

It looks really basic if you quickly overlook it because you're not using any big shot dictionary words...But then if you read the piece, there's more to it then you'd think, you just have to stand still once in a while. I liked the way you approached the topic, you made it your own. Emotion was good, especially the way you ended it was dope. I enjoyed reading it, the following lines are probly my favs:

It's life I adore, mourn, scorn, so beautiful, I was born
To achieve, I was born, to believe in peace
And to believe, that the whole world revolves around me
^nice man

Good drop for sure!

[BeRLin`S BesT]

too short but u did good...I felt this piece was decent in vocab and wordplay but u had some special to it...dunno what...prolly woulda been better if it was a bit longer...pz

[F.A.M.]

it was aight i didnt really feel it seem like i was readin ya day planner or schedule or somin..i didnt like the words like beep 7 oclock..and coffe.. it was a lil basic and you introduded it like it was off the chain,,im not dissin you it was cute tho..just needed length and not so many filler..feel me

[Mixtape]

yo this drop was a decent drop, some really basic vocab in there, but there was some decent vocab as well, it was basic yes, but it was creative, it was alittle lame in some spots liek the beep, but it was all good, your definetly creative with your writting, the consistency was down then up then down and then up, it was goin back and forth, your rhyming was consistent.....but anyway keep dropping, and return the favor.....pick on of the OM's in my sig and give it some feed


want to see more drops from you in the future....peace

[Awaken]

so, i need big words to make a good piece? oh, yeah, i gotcha...
but thx for all the deec replies

[Awaken]

uppin this one more time
ill hit up everyone's pieces
once i wake the fuck up

[Awaken]

eh, last up, lol.