seventeen

[ninjaboy]

yo, some new shit, a little deeper, dont sleep on this one, hit me with feedback, leave me a link and i'll return the love.


Seventeen, think about it, what does it mean?
you hear the words but don't read the lines thats in between.
I'll paint the picture, his gear is fresh, kicks are clean,
pocket full of twenty six dollars and broken dreams.
Just wants to scream, he's lived to far beyond his years.
he lies in all his songs they're gone, all of his fears,
after a few beers all that matters is this nine
a tec he's never pulled but tucked a thousand times
but there's light after the tunnel, salvation in his rhymes,
movin forward with his life, livin with a new sense
of whats risght, but his past is still a nuisance.
with too many two cents, up in his piggy bank,
his mind has gone cold, his heart's an empty tank
face is blank, he hides it well
happy angry sad, it's difficult to tell,
it's just too bad, lookin for a chance he never had.
the future is determined by actions from your past
you should live everyday like it might just be your last
enemies you've pass, still want you in a casket,
livin paycheck to paycheck, spend it before you've cashed it
a few bad decisions, now your whole life's a disaster
you try to slow down but this shit keeps comin faster
you startin to drown, you knew you never coulda lasted


my feed backs:

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...32&page=1&pp=15
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...41&page=1&pp=15

and check out my other open mic, it tight, but it got slept on


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=161313

[Predatorian]

thats cool... the 17 thing I didnt get but I liked it.... a good read... pz, keep elavtin

[ninjaboy]

like, seventeen years, its a seventeen year old kid, this describes his hardships, kinda gettin inside his mind

[Genocide`]

This was an enjoyable piece to read, honestly. It's difficult to tell a story and still keep the structure and flow runnin' smooth, but I felt you did a good job of that. Honestly, this drop was really clean in my opinion. My favorite lines:

Seventeen, think about it, what does it mean?
you hear the words but don't read the lines thats in between.
I'll paint the picture, his gear is fresh, kicks are clean,
pocket full of twenty six dollars and broken dreams.
enemies you've pass, still want you in a casket,
livin paycheck to paycheck, spend it before you've cashed it
a few bad decisions, now your whole life's a disaster
you try to slow down but this shit keeps comin faster
you startin to drown, you knew you never coulda lasted

Hmm, that's almost your whole drop, oh well.. lol.

Anyway, a part that I felt kinda messed up the flow:

movin forward with his life, livin with a new sense
of whats risght, but his past is still a nuisance.
with too many two cents, up in his piggy bank

All in all though, nice drop, n' keep elevatin'...pz.

[Prohibit]

Yeah...whats that dick Predatorian sayin...if he dont understand the seventeen bit how can he give ffed back...dumb fuck...any way flow was tight but structure was off....overall it was a nice peice vocab was a bit sratchy but overall..6/10
Nice drop...
Pz

~pRo~

[YoungTuan]

that good...give me some feedback
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=161647

[ninjaboy]

uppin, and tuan, the point of feed back is to analyze parts of the song, give tips or somethin. sayin good then askin for feedback is kinda weak dude

[noncentz]

another enjoyable read you have the potential there man i can tell soon you will be amazing heeads just stay relentless

[Endeva.]

thought it was pretty simplistic, the way you rhymed, like mainly 2 words on each line, you kept it consistant with it, but id get a bit more going on in there, jazz it up a bit, but yea, not bad... could you hit my drop, need some replies over there... keep up

[warchild]

this was tight, the structure and vocab was good the flow was average, but the emotion in the song made it dope.
reply to my last post.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=161927