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Thread: Dripped And Drained

  1. December 9th, 2004, 08:28 PM #1
    Swift Death
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    Dripped And Drained

    Dripped And Drained

    it all started with the incarceration of rage
    a single passion of hate driven into a cage
    not for a single person but for the nation
    all the fashion... created no admiration
    but a sensation that he wanted to drain
    society in vain to feed the angry brain
    blind vision to a degree of lost control
    a downward spiral that would cost his soul
    his marks flew into the ground no care
    however it was long ago he fell into despair
    unable to repair each faliure broke him
    choked his life making his vision dim
    the sight of a knife looked too inviting
    almost exciting to end all this fighting


    so he began writing....

    With the blood dripped and drianed from my body i leave a message
    a single script, before i slipped... i had no idea no presage
    So hold onto anything that matters every smile every angelic emotion
    treat them like relics a simple... yet worthwhile devotion
    then the seed of life will be wattered and fed, with that said, goobye
    even if i wasn't missunderstood its time, I should die
    mom please don't cry it was never your fault... just remeber
    look past the disgust and rust to the fire that made me an ember
    Last edited by Swift Death; December 10th, 2004 at 12:11 AM
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  2. December 9th, 2004, 08:30 PM #2
    Swift Death
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    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....php?p=1890319
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....php?p=1890322
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  3. December 9th, 2004, 08:45 PM #3
    Swift Death
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    uppin please dont sleep on this one
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  4. December 9th, 2004, 08:47 PM #4
    F.A.M.
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    i liked it but me personally i like longer bars instead of short but the content was cool, deep personal shit from within..ONE

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  5. December 9th, 2004, 08:57 PM #5
    Omniscient
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    Yo this was a good piece...nice vocab and wordplay...like da deepness in it if u know what i mean...keep it up...holla back

    DaYoungsta boy!!!
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  6. December 9th, 2004, 10:50 PM #6
    SirusX
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    Some parts were real nice, and overall i liked it.
    I liked the title multi-color but not the two verses... it fucked with my eyes a little..
    If you still want let's write a colab on somthing.

    Nice peice.
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  7. December 10th, 2004, 01:06 AM #7
    Kaotic Theory
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    hmmmm....
    the vocab lacked alittle bit but was decent and so was the wordchoice,also the emotion and imagery was pretty nice the emotion was solid
    and you had nice expression,i could picture everything happening in my head,the rhyme scheme was nice aswell was the concept...


    nice decent job twixn...
    Last edited by Kaotic Theory; December 10th, 2004 at 01:11 AM
    AI

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  8. December 10th, 2004, 10:43 AM #8
    Jai-Cee
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    Nearly forgot... sorry...

    Well... 'Ere we go with a breakdown...

    Rhyme Scheme & Flow...

    Rhyme scheme was not to adstract. Worked well throughout, in both verses. However I thought the first one flowed better. Get some multis and internals mixed up with the standard rhyme scheme to make it a more interesting read flow wise... But the verses stayed on point and didn't get choppy during any of the transitions between bars... Nice work overall here, just try and add in some of those multis and internals.

    Vocab

    Vocab seemed above average. Not too outlandish, and extravagant - which is always nice, but sometimes can also be over intimidating to the lesser educated! But fuck those dumbasses nahsayen? Kept it comfortable for most readers as they'd be able to understand the elevated vocab easily. At points I thought it fell off a little, I personally wouldn't have used the word 'dim' but would have found another synonym.

    Concept

    I kind of liked the idea, the title was good, and I think you could have elaborated on this concept a bit more... But the actual content I didn't feel as if it lived up to it... However it had stonger points within the verse, I just wasn't feeling the content on an emotional level or an intellectual level. That might just be me tho...??

    Imagery

    Imagery worked to a certain extent, but I think this was the reason that I thought the concepts content let it down... Try and elevate this a little more, as I wasn't feeling it... Everything else worked, it was only this area that let it down, and hence let the concept down...

    Overall

    Nice work overall, apart from what I've mentioned this was a good peice, and where it was strong it was good. Where it was 'weak' (which it werent - it just werent up to par with the rest), theres room to improve... Only simple things will make this a very good peice. But overall a nice read...

    Peace Gentleman.
    Last edited by Jai-Cee; December 10th, 2004 at 12:31 PM
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  9. December 10th, 2004, 12:10 PM #9
    Swift Death
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    thanks for the feed guys...
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  10. December 10th, 2004, 02:07 PM #10
    Swift Death
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    i always think my mediocre isint great others think its dope... and my what i think is awesome others don't.... im taking crazy pills
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  11. December 10th, 2004, 02:21 PM #11
    Jai-Cee
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    any pills going for free?
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  12. December 10th, 2004, 02:32 PM #12
    Swift Death
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    <------ask my man jack
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  13. December 10th, 2004, 08:04 PM #13
    Swift Death
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    up................................................ .................till the day that i drop
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  14. December 10th, 2004, 10:25 PM #14
    Swift Death
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    hmmm.....
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  15. December 11th, 2004, 12:59 AM #15
    ILLunatic
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    First part was straight, flow fell off in some places.
    And there was a certain spot that had word,
    that didn't seem to fit right in with the flow.
    But anyways.. it was straight

    The second part was alot better, better flow.
    Some use of wordplay. Vocab was there as well
    Pretty nice concept. Try usin more detail though
    Keep it up kid...
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