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Thread: Illustrated Death - Artistry to Dye

  1. #1
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Illustrated Death - Artistry to Dye

    Replied to...
    Marek- Mark of Man
    Formula - One Body: Two Reflections

    Most will never understand the music of an indian
    Native because of social conformity, submission of opinion
    Art is the drying pastel needed to chalk up the dead bodies
    To cough up the godly words consumed by prophecy


    He paints the vivid memories of a misplaced yesterday
    And the quantity of illustrated thoughts is a much better way
    To find God, Jesus was on the cross solemnly dying
    Beyond the fog, now Jesus is on the canvas drying
    Surviving the empty existence this young man is plagued with
    Selling his priceless ideas for the future for purpose is aimless
    His fag stays lit, he uses it to end the hell where he resides
    The demise he encountered a long time before it swells inside
    Consuming that talent, his mother fed him the ambition
    Father christened him a heavy burden of a family's malnutrition
    Sage Marcus, hardly a label for a failure, 20 years
    Past he started this cycle of insolence with many fears
    But any deer sees the headlights of Apollo coming
    And as it's peers get death frights, it doesn't follow running
    Futile existence, spending time in an placent dream
    Where expression of the soul is a marketable scheme
    Weary of success, it seems to have escaped him
    His question of sexuality is the sodomy that raped him
    Moved out at 16, and disconnected relationships of all sort
    While the clock's ticks seemed smiles that always fall short
    Lives off every story sold in frame of embony or gold
    A plastic encasing unrefundable memory still untold

    Most will never understand the music of an indian
    Native because of social conformity, submission of opinion
    Art is the drying pastel needed to chalk up the dead bodies
    To cough up the godly words consumed by prophecy


    The ashes of his pheonix mingle among the cigars
    Far from the burning passion expanding his disregard
    A few months past rent's due, he has to locate to another venue
    Hoping his sanity is hanging securely on it's noose
    The slums are just the reflection of a lost generation
    Crackheads, gangbangers interacting in a weathered basement
    Ever embracing the solitary contrary to his old friends
    Cold winds of an autumn he spends without a soul's breath
    Eats away at the sparse amounts of chicken the Salvation will give him
    And his very prescence of individuality scares off children
    Dropped the paint brush to illustrate a vision he can touch
    Graffiti laminated walls beckon his name to fill in the cuts
    Disgust, years of education only magnifies why it's so clear
    That the system our society thrives on chides the gone
    So here he walks, down a savaged path to hear the water's tide
    As it crashes the receding line of sand, it hollers and cries
    Replenishing the tear's in his eyes, he wants to plunge in
    But the hidden sun sings his demise of demons in a dungeon
    Of silence, and a mind that fails to relapse images he saw
    When he was a child, before his brother was dead and it was his fault
    Before his father used his hand to violently maul Sage's face
    Burning his pupils to a memory that even he could never trace

    Most will never understand the music of an indian
    Native because of social conformity, submission of opinion
    Art is the drying pastel needed to chalk up the dead bodies
    To cough up the godly words consumed by prophecy


    If only he could see the stars plummeting because of his death
    He sold his soul and eternity for 24 hours of vision in stead
    Now, he lacks the dollars to recollect his pastels and chemistry
    An entity of little meaning, scening his chest with an elegy
    Painting a morbid philosophy of flesh or what it seems to be
    He fills in the cuts with an ink of drying clay washed up from the river
    And forgets the crux of all his lying, the day out of the closet lingers
    Whispers lyrics the devil manifests with memories so intricately
    Melodies serenade thru the penalty of the given imagery
    His skin cut to ribbons, his enemy is his own subconscious
    A monster scaring him out the closet is now the lady ceasing the nonsense
    His mother has been looking for her first born for months on end
    Attends the city's primates, a jungle of rusting wires about to disconnect
    Listening to the voices in her head, finding the speaker of these words
    Turns to park at the curb, walking past the park benches and birds
    Disturbed, a quick gasp exhumes from her gaping mouth
    The shaping clouds casts a gloom on her son not making a sound
    Cries into the night, blood clots stop the puddle of life
    Sighs are not heard through the dimness located in his eyes
    That are open...

    Buried before the art gallery, he had a preciously kept salary
    And left his memories to decompose by the ocean's shore
    How comical, the way it takes a tragedy to reunite a family
    The pattern of life and art, a rendition of emotions tore


    His name is a vague thought of the lie he was given to carry
    Waking up to walking out for his only true love to marry
    A young soul clasped between sanity and reality
    Feel the man he'll be without a companion to expand the seeds
    Feel me, as the disease definitely breaths
    Feel me, as the disease definitely breaths
    Feel me, as the disease definitely breaths
    Feel me, as the disease definitely breaths
    God's pen is drying up...
    can I kick it?

  2. #2
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    can I kick it?

  3. #3
    I sell greatbeats4cheap TechOmega's Avatar
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    unique way of deliveryin religious content through rhymes proved very interesting your structure and usage on words was very good fam kept me reading so I was def feeling that
    "Moved out at 16, and disconnected relationships of all sort
    While the clock's ticks seemed smiles that always fall short
    Lives off every story sold in frame of embony or gold
    A plastic encasing unrefundable memory still untold"
    i kno how that is i left home at 18...to be with a girl who i hadnt even dated for yr ( we were together for bout 3 months)now im back home and attendin college
    keep ya head up fam...n stay droppin text like these
    ~1~
    www.soundclick.com/techomega

  4. #4
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    can I kick it?

  5. #5
    Nephil SMZ's Avatar
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    pretty coo first verse - some nice connections - flow was aight - some things that I see done really often pop up - choruse is ok - could be better

    second verse - good - flow has some iffy spots - overall good - imagery is very good

    third verse - flow's falling apart some - content stays pretty good - transition at the end could be done a little smoother - nice closing lines - some good themes throughout - not all of which that I like - but you slipped em in pretty good

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    I'm dead.


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    Hence Forward

  6. #6
    this buds for you Thrust's Avatar
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    this was a very creative piece to me
    you kept me into your writting thoughout it all
    not many writers here can keep me reading for a piece with this length but you did
    you worded your expressions well continuously
    the style you came with was pretty good
    the message for the most part was clear to me
    though, god does live on

  7. #7
    Twin Cities 651 Laureate's Avatar
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    Damn

    Chorus 1
    Nicely done on the whole...
    catchy and fits well with your story
    Chorus 2
    Again nice...liked the way you switched up your rhyme scheme to ABAB

    1st verse:
    Amazing internals....everything fit together pretty much perfectly....
    which is cause of your great wordchoice and rhyme scheme....imagry
    was par, but your emotion was nice here....

    2nd verse:
    Kept your emotion and rhyming consistent here....but also upped you
    imagry a bit....which was very nice to read....prolly your best verse
    in this piece in my opinion

    3rd verse:
    A nnice way to end this....flow kind fell off to me as I read it, but
    nothing major...imagry kind of dropped off, but the emotion was
    still there as well as your nice vocab and rthyming

    Overall thia was the best piece I have ever read by you Pin......and thats saying a lot...A couple spelling and grammatical errors, but nothing so bad it took away from your piece....nicely done

    9.3/10
    A few achievements here and there

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  8. #8
     
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    if it helps anyone...
    this was written to the 'muder of memories' beat by Eyedea
    which is why the flow may seem like its off..
    anyways good stuff as always Pin...i was really
    feelin this one...keep it up
    i'll edit in a better reply later on
    ...

  9. #9
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Cool stuff. Thanks for the replies. I will hit yours up, Kerr, soon.
    can I kick it?

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