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Thread: Cranberry Glow.

  1. #1
    Evolve FanTa ZeE's Avatar
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    Cranberry Glow.

    One shot in the dark wasn't provided with aim,
    But it pierced a hole in his chest all the same,
    Leaking blood and screaming tears, from the outlook it was plain,
    That all hope was lost, as the victim thrashed wildly in pain,
    No hope left in his brain, as he lay limp on the ground,
    Jerking his mouth, desperate to pass one last sound,
    Hysteria set in, as he realized nobody around,
    Needles and pins, wishing it had been the other way round,
    Anger raced through his mind, blocking the vision of blood,
    That poured from the recess, a red running flood,
    He sieved over his thoughts, final words surfaced now,
    Of saying goodbye to his wife as he wiped cold sweat from his brow,
    Wouldn't allow his weary eyes to drift into sleep,
    Though his heartbeat was slowing and his limbs became weak,
    He yelled out in terror as he stared to the end of the street,
    Praying for someone to discover him there on the concrete,
    To treat his wounds and stem the blazing flow,
    That now covered his jumper in a cranberry glow,
    The color of war, and the color of lust,
    Th color of glory,and the color of rust,
    A deep burning amber, a ruby red crust,
    Poured from the lifeless corpse, peacefully staining the dust.



    links are coming.
    Def Poets

  2. #2
    Evolve FanTa ZeE's Avatar
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  3. #3
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    Needles and pins, wishing it had been the other way round,
    ^that was dope

    nice way to close things out too - pretty decent work - imagery and emotion were pretty good - flow was alright - maybe work on the complexity some - nice little short drop though overall - peace

    \/I meant complexity of the rhymes...
    Last edited by Nephil; August 14th, 2004 at 12:51 AM

  4. #4
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
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    I disagree with "work on the complexity". This piece was just about perfect. The flow was some of the smothest I've seen lately. The story telling was dope. The strongest part was imagery. The imagery in the was very dope. So was the emotion. It was dope how you left the reader hanging, and wondering why this man was shot, and who it was. Even at the end, you never made it clear if he died. Shit keeps you thinking after the peice is over. I was locked to this piece. It was some smooth shit.I'm probably nominating this for OM of the month.

    My Open Mic:http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=141234

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    axis powers

  5. #5
    Threat Level Midnight Tim's Avatar
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    loving the flow and complexity of this piece was onpoint and enjoyable to read the whole time a piece that has you thinking if wicked is nominating this then i agree all the way


    be kind peep min

  6. #6
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    damn its alotta tight songs im hearin 2day

    dat shizzz was ILL keep doin ya thang, everything was tight

    hit up one of mine iight? its somewhere

  7. #7
    Evolve FanTa ZeE's Avatar
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    wow thanks for all the positivity, i really am grateful for all the people who reply to my work, puts a smile on my face...you all brightened up my day and by the way...i have never ever in my time here been nominated for OM of the month so that would be a great achievement for me.
    Def Poets

  8. #8
    Evolve FanTa ZeE's Avatar
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    hee hee! two people nominated this for OM of the month, i'm sure to get in right? that would be so cool!
    Def Poets

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