User Tag List

Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Showing results 1 to 15 of 18

Thread: Sealed Shut

  1. #1
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Posts
    197

    Sealed Shut

    I'm a soldier without a war and also a warrior without a soul
    Vultures circles at my fore - voyeurs where death's bountiful
    I've been a mercenary and an assassin and even a vigilante
    With only cursory compassion I strived for my residual pay
    The faces blurred together into the fiery abyss of my mind
    'til it became an absurd pleasure to accelerate and assist time
    It was the thirteenth infant that did it - a boy named Je'sus
    I was trapped in that instant rigid - unable to change pursuits
    But my conscience once awoken could not be exterminated
    The nonsense of a foe in my heart had me truthfully agitated
    But the cash at the root of my desire made me pull the trigger
    And I poo poo’d that dire choice as I bathed in a cool river
    Made from the blood of my nameless uncountable victims
    But that one judge flooded me with awful bountiful wisdom
    My heart ached for my sins and I chose to start my pilgrimage
    I tried to taste the wind as I burned my gold and silver bridge
    I wandered forty frantic years searching for a place to rest
    Given an eagle’s manicure while my mind replays each death
    And one day I find myself in Iraq stumbling across the desert
    I can’t help but look back and then I glimpse God’s treasure
    A valley rolls away full of vibrant flora and tranquil fauna
    My goals displayed covered by an aurora and real manna
    I stare longingly for a way past the spinning flaming sword
    This could belong to me if I hadn’t gone and slain my lord
    The cherubs look is full of pity but his stance reveals much
    I can gaze at Eden all I want but the gate is Sealed Shut...

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=135630
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=139599
    Last edited by Nephil; July 30th, 2004 at 12:08 PM

  2. #2
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Posts
    269
    Real nice SMZ.. imagery was fantastic.. you're slept on.. flow was on-point, vocab was, as always, top-notch.. you're story telling abilities are fantastic man.. you can take the simplest thing.. and make it into something complex.. i like that.. overall, this was some great work man.. but how can i expect anything less than great from you ?.. exactly, Pz.

    I wandered forty frantic years searching for a place to rest
    Given an eagle’s manicure while my mind replays each death
    And one day I find myself in Iraq stumbling across the desert
    I can’t help but look back and then I glimpse God’s treasure
    A valley rolls away full of vibrant flora and tranquil fauna
    My goals displayed covered by an aurora and real manna
    I stare longingly for a way past the spinning flaming sword
    This could belong to me if I hadn’t gone and slain my lord
    The cherubs look is full of pity but his stance reveals much
    I can gaze at Eden all I want but the gate is Sealed Shut...
    ^ dope finishing bars ... imagery was awesome..

  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Posts
    463
    This was above good, but not dope. Ha. I was feeling the imagery and diction. There was no emotion in this because I think you didn't intend to write it that way, but anyway, I thought at some parts your rhyming was a lil off or I'm just too tired to actually pronunciate correctly in my head, but besides that this was not bad.

    Given an eagle’s manicure while my mind replays each death
    And one day I find myself in Iraq stumbling across the desert
    I can’t help but look back and then I glimpse God’s treasure
    A valley rolls away full of vibrant flora and tranquil fauna
    My goals displayed covered by an aurora and real manna
    I stare longingly for a way past the spinning flaming sword
    This could belong to me if I hadn’t gone and slain my lord
    The cherubs look is full of pity but his stance reveals much
    I can gaze at Eden all I want but the gate is Sealed Shut...

    Picked it up at the end. And my favorite line was the eagles manicure. Dope.

  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Posts
    1,108
    Battle Record
    14-13
    Quill is right about the endin' comment...stuff really started to get good round der.

    "I stare longingly for a way past the spinning flaming sword
    This could belong to me if I hadn’t gone and slain my lord"
    ^I was feelin' this line for reals.

    Perhaps I have the wrong idea about it...but the way I took it, it's dope to me. I actually liked this a lot...but were you even rhymin' in some parts? maybe it's just me but I didn't pick up on it...

    Still. Very nice piece. Your gettin' good man...The skills are really bein' shown here.

  5. #5
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Posts
    197
    thanks for feed - every line should have about four or more rhymes in it...

    one thing the Je'sus is pronounced the Spanish way...

  6. #6
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Posts
    22,245
    Battle Record
    12-1
    I like SMZ more...

    Anyway, this was cool. I would have shortened the lines a little. The story was ok. So was rhymescheme. It had nice standout lines.

    "The faces blurred together into the fiery abyss of my mind
    'til it became an absurd pleasure to accelerate and assist time"
    -I liked these lines

    "stare longingly for a way past the spinning flaming sword
    This could belong to me if I hadn’t gone and slain my lord
    The cherubs look is full of pity but his stance reveals much
    I can gaze at Eden all I want but the gate is Sealed Shut..."
    -This is dope shit, aswell. Straight out of the bible with eden being gaurded by the flaming swords and shit. Nice touch.

    Good piece, homie.

    -W1
    Hence Forward
    axis powers

  7. #7
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Posts
    270
    lol ..its easy to be a soldier when there aint no war..........

  8. #8
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Posts
    197
    if you read this you wouldn't think so - now don't interrupt my thread again unless you want to tell me how good I am...

  9. #9
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Posts
    112
    I though this was pretty cool...guess the soldier using the army moses built didnt catch the story being about his own general...it was kinda hard at times to keep up with the flow, but overall to a beat it could be nice. Props...

    One

  10. #10
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Posts
    22,245
    Battle Record
    12-1
    Quote Originally Posted by Nephil
    don't interrupt my thread again unless you want to tell me how good I am...
    Lmao! I'm sigging that.

    -W1
    Hence Forward
    axis powers

  11. #11
    Banned
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Mifflinburg, PA
    Posts
    6,693
    Battle Record
    12-1
    You need to leave 2 links to 2 open mics that you left decent feedback on or this gets closed, Thanks.

  12. #12
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Posts
    270
    NA YEAH SORRY CUZZ THAT WAS A BIT OF A HATFULL REPLY .. I JUST THOUGHT THAT AS SOON AS I RED THE FIRST LINE BUT ANY WAY... I RED THROUGH IT A FEW MORE TIMES AND YOUR RIGHT THE REST A THE PEICE DOES CHANGE THE VEIW A THAT FIRST LINE .... BUT THE FIRST LINE STILL WEAKENS IT 4 U ......

    AS FOR UR COMMENT


    now don't interrupt my thread again unless you want to tell me how good I am...

    THE REASON FOR CRITISISM IS TO SAY WHAT U R DOING WRONG AND RIGHT..... IF U THINK UR THE GREATEST THEN WHY EVEN BE ON THIS SITE YOU SHOULD JUST JUMP STR8 INTO MAIN STREAM .............. UR AIGHT NOT THE GREATEST ....
    DEFLATE UR HEAD CUZZ AND BOUNCE BAK TO REALITY

  13. #13
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Posts
    269
    ^ duke ...

    if he's going to take you serious.. then use spell check.

  14. #14
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Posts
    197
    Realistik - the reason I disregarded your criticism and still do is because I doubt that you fully understood what you read - but that's alright I have my opinion - you have yours - I have no problem with you not liking one of my lines - I do have a problem with you making an inane remark such as your original one - I do not think I am the greatest - I think I'm good - and I am good - I will now explain to you why that line is in fact one of my strongest and in no way "weak"...

    "I'm a soldier without a war and also a warrior without a soul"
    I flipped some things here - notice how war > war'rior just as soul > sol'dier?
    In other words I'm missing half of what makes me me

    the piece goes on to explain the mental issues that plague a soldier who has no one to fight - if your life is built around being ready for combat - then you are a waste if you are not actually in combat - a warrior is only truly alive while in the midst of a battle - his time spent out of war is used to prepare for the next combat - thus if there is nobody left to fight a true soldier could not be more miserable - his time is spent reviewing the awful things he's done - twiddling his fingers - going insane, etc. thus it is my respectful conclusion that it is not "easy to be a soldier when there is no war"

  15. #15
    The R in RB.Com
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Age
    41
    Posts
    3,785
    Battle Record
    5-1
    damn, seriously your fucking nice...imagry, as stated by everyone else, was great and while i dont think i fully get the whole 'im lost cause i have no purpose' idea of this piece it still came through very very nice. Ima give this an OM of the month nod

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Similar Threads

  1. Signed and Sealed
    By MADDNES53 in forum Poetic Scriptures
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: January 12th, 2012, 07:35 PM
  2. Shut'em Down
    By Goldeneye in forum The Studio
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: May 13th, 2010, 01:42 AM
  3. Sealed Envelope
    By P. Mortuus in forum Poetic Scriptures
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: January 16th, 2007, 07:09 PM
  4. sealed with a kiss
    By terep in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: May 18th, 2005, 05:42 AM
  5. rb being shut down??????
    By will a peer in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: June 30th, 2004, 03:59 PM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •