Eyes Of A Cutter

[Mistral]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...18#post1520018
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...24#post1520024

Every night I see you I cant help but sigh and dream...
As I paint the walls colorful with my silent screams...
All this violence seems..to carry on..it just won’t end...
Another cut made to ease the pain cause I’m broken…
Leaving my clothes soaken..in a puddle of my blood…
Veins ripping apart, more spews, I huddle as it floods…
Thoughts crumble with a thud…I’m reaching the worst…
Everything starts to fade…as I’m greeting the hearst…
Cause my beatings aren’t heard…I only remain quiet…
Enjoying the pain I inflict..with every single vein I slit…
That claims my wrist…leaving behind scars of pain…
Each one for different reasons…that mark its gain…
I start to strain…over each scar that holds its place…
A story for each one…that’s never told, its traced…
It molds to grace…pleasurable…clearing my mind…
Again and again I cut slow and deep hearing it grind…
I’m steering so blind, going the wrong way, no guidance…
Always the same excuse, it was a long day,…I guess…
I got to stop this, so I sit down on my floors vinyl carpet…
And take the razor to my throat to make the final scar slit…

[Richard Corey]

Pretty decent piece...

But this is a rule I try to implement with the really graphic stuff (murder, rape, suicide): The worse the concept, the more you have to explain the character. If this dude is that sick that he gets pleasure from self-mutilation, you're going to have to give him/her some sort of motivation; some type of background.

Outside of that, the piece was nice. The rhymes were there, the flow was near perfect, a couple of times, the rhymes were a little wonky (like you sacrificed some rhymes for multies that may not have been there), but all in all, it was pretty cool.

nice shit. dark, but nice.

[Mag...]

never see you post anymore...

this was nice... pretty good use of most standard elements...

it was a little bit stiff for me to flow it... but practiced I'm sure you can make this work... it is a little bit a downer for a topic...

keep it up

[Mistral]

Yeah thanks for the feed guys...Yeah, been busy really with work and stuff, only been doing the mod work, im trying to write more though. Kinda rusty i guess haha.

[sILLable]

decent, could have had more multis but thats just me,other than that and tha vocab,it was tight.keep droppin tha hottness.

[spokenoh]

Lmao at this dumbass^. This had a great variety of multies and they were all well placed to help the transitions and flow of this piece. I felt the vocab in this was better than usual, Credz, along with the imagery that painted a vivid picture of pain and the relentless feel of emotion. It could have been more defined if it was longer but I think you were concerned with the actual cutting and journey of the cutter. Very good.

[Wakiyan]

Whoa that was sick! And I agree with Richard as far as your use of multies go (vinyl carpet/final scar slit) Other than that this was a great piece, the wordplay, flow and imagery is sick. Very nice storytelling.

[+Danny Ocean+]

I liked this. Very emotional piece. The imagery did help me visual the actions taking place but like Richard said, I didn't FEEL the emotion. I didn't have a connection with the person at all. I feel that no connection with the character takes away from a piece. Overall I liked it though. Flow was on point with a nice structure. I also have a length problem with my OM's and it seems i need to work on that. Same for u. It's like I was really gettin into it and then it ended. All in all nice work. Keep doin wut ur doin.

[matticus]

Yeah, that was really good. Hits close to home here. I know some people who've killed themselves and many who cut. Kinda scares me though... one of my best friends, Ashlee, cut a little too deep on accident and almost killed herself. I don't think I've ever cried that much. So, hey, if this is an actual personal thing, don't do that stuff and if you need to talk, I'm here.

lmao... that personality test I took was right on. Says I'm sympathetic and a "healer". :P

Anyways, yeah, I liked it. Rhyme scheme is more complex than any of mine (which may not say a lot, lol) and you didn't sacrifice the message to make it rhyme. Good job.

[Mesmerize]

I dont usually reply in OM but the title to this caught my attention, so I read. Im glad I decided to come in here because this was a dope drop. You had me pulled in, in every line. This portrayed emotion in far depth and imagery where I felt as if I were there. Your flow was smooth, and you had some nice multis along the way as well. Structure was great. Very nice piece, I really ejoyed this.

[Mistral]

Thanks for the feedback guys, Its much appreciated. Thank Youuu

[Morbid Manner]

neva seen u om creds but this was dope,
good use of imagery, emotion etcetra etcetra etcetra!!!
im impressed bwoy

[Mistral]

Upping To The Skyyyyy..Leave a link and i'll feed on yours too

[Young glock]

personaily...i thought this was a pretty tight peice works were good flow was nice all though man you need to start write more shit like this more often it was ill i give it 9 outta 10

[Pseudonym]

what goes on in the mind of credz... your quite a morbid guy by the sounds of this... i started resding it and by the end i was needing some valium or sumthing.... you've just fucked up my day, im all depressed...lol... nah this was tight, it progressed nice and you really captured the writers voice good... quite a smooth scheme going.... with a strong ending, and good imagery, you could eally see how he's fucked up.... props
..next time take the lighter approach...lol