...Breath

[Chris Black]

Breath

James Willson, Insane asylum, 2004:
I sit in a crazy home.. My mind? May be gone
But the day we roamed, and played the songs
Of love, as praise in poems is still in my head,
So as I sit in my bed, I cry & revisit the dead..
But I can only re-envision the dread now, see?
I told what happened, but they just doubt me
They tried to make me confess, and do a bid
By beating me, & telling me what the killer did...

Detective & James 9th precinct, 2001:
Admit it, dammit!.. You’re the vicious bandit
That drenched your hand in twisted murder!
You flipped & hurt her.. Now say it!.. Say it!
You’re a crazed kid that played with this girl
& gauged wits, Then trick her and made stiff;
This young lady, didn’t you!? This shit is true
& If you don’t admit it, dude... I’ll get at you!
Now say it!.. You got her to roam the woods
& now, alone, you could do your evil, right!?
You could heed the night. Right there, man,
So you snapped and choked her, bare hand!
But that’s not it!.. You revived the poor lady!
For more, maybe?! Now you were more crazy
Than you even thought you were!.. The sin!..
Cause you didn’t stop.. You choked her again
And brought her back... only to do it all over
And as she’d draw closer to death, you’d quit
..You’d shift..You’d bring her back, once more
But the blunt core of your evil soul would lust
For the small veins in her beautiful face to bust
& you couldn’t stop that last time, okay, kid!?
*turns on tape recorder*........ Now say it!!!

I.. I..
I.. We were in the woods listening to music
When she said, I should try some new shit...
She grabbed my hands & talked me through it
I didn’t want to at first but she mad me do it...
She Said loss of breath was when she was freest
So... I did it, after she begged; “I need this”...
*starts crying as he talks*.. She’d touch her private
And She said it turned her on;... What I did...

But.. But.. *His attitude gets controled and focused*

Then her moans & gasps for breath felt good
I felt.... Power... the first time in those woods
.. I liked it too much.. See?.. It freed me too
Freedom!...... Her breath....... It bleeds truth
I wanted that truth... My actions may be a sin
But I’d bleed to hear her breath...
...Just so I could take it again.




Back to the future:
See this patient, students? He was a childhood murderer at age 15. After confessing to a grisly murder, the invertigating detective flipped out and beat him viciously. The poor child doesn’t remember the murder or much of anything because of the beating; only a few moment with his childhood girlfriend, and bits of the interrogation. He resides here, in the Missouri Institute for the Insane now. Lets move on to the next specimen...



-W1

[Chris Black]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...27#post1514927
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...37#post1514937
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...42#post1514942
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...54#post1514954
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...66#post1514966

-W1

[spokenoh]

This really shouldn't be slept on. This was one of the most original OM's I have seen in RB and you worked it well. The flow in this was very easy to follow and worked well being short. The imagery could have been better describing the institute he was in, but you made up for it with the description of the murder and the whole interrogation. Alot of well placed emotion in this and emphasis on certain phrases and words:
"You flipped & hurt her.. Now say it!.. Say it!"

Things like that go surpassed all the time in Open Mic and you were fluidly consistent with it. No real sound devices in this due to it being more of a narrative. This piece almost reminded me of a piece I wrote before...only doper. Good job. Peace.

If you have time, hit up Sesame Street. Thanks.

[Jug.]

This was dope as FUCK. Wicked...
you keep drop OM's, and all em
are dope. i believe one made legends too.
but yo, you had nice flow. decent
topic. structure was good. i was
very interested the whole way through.
your emotion and imaginary was
nice. overall this was a very
dope piece.

beware of the w1cked and jug collab

BLAOW!

[Chris Black]

^Word. Thanks for the replies.

-W1

[Mesmerize]

This was a very nice drop man. You got really creative with this. This was different compared to most OM, I like how you went with it. You had me pulled in from the very beginning. Your flow was smooth and structure was great as well. I can agree that you maybe could have put a little more imagery in this but I dont feel that it took away from the piece. The emotion was great, which is one of the main keys. Keep writing man. Dope drop.

[Mesmerize]

Hit one of my poems up in PS if you dont mind......thanx

[shawty"B"]

wow! i liked this one alot! it had perfect emotion and very very good imagery. it kept a very constant flow. and i also like how it kept me wanting to read more and more, and when i finally ended it keeps your mind wondering...really nice

[Bigg E Z]

Nice read..

..The whole format kinda reminds me of my ' Weather Machine ' piece

Only u didnt do what i did wrong.. (Only it was wrong in your eyes, Lol)

I liked the concept.. I used a W.W.II/fictional approach.. U used a mental patient, Framed for murder.. 'Tis was nicely done, my friend..

Now we come to how u used ur emotonal skills.. 1stly, James Willson.. I was able to tell that there was something fishy about the story when i was coming to the end of his part..

*"I told what happened, but they just doubt me
They tried to make me confess, and do a bid
By beating me, & telling me what the killer did..."*

..Need i say more about your emotional/expretional abbilitys? lol

*"The poor child doesn’t remember the murder or much of anything because of the beating; only a few moment with his childhood girlfriend, and bits of the interrogation. He resides here, in the Missouri Institute for the Insane now. Lets move on to the next specimen..."*

..This part was called ' back to the future ' & was started by a doctor (of somekind) showing the students (future Mental Patient Nurses, Or Doctors perhaps) the kind of work theyll be doing.. i.e Caring for - or Trying to cure James Willson..

..Its good how u were able to totally switch the whole piece & make it all look like its only whats going on in James' mind, But the ending, ' Back to the future ' made it for me..

I enjoyed it.. Props

[jimbean]

good dropp... man the scheme was ill... i think this site needs more creativity as such.. some people are in comfort just doing what they see... or two scared to take a chance with somethin new....

[Foreshadow]

Wicked your so good. Damn the imagery in this piece is amazing. Which makes your detail stand out even more then they already do to an unskilled eye. Man let me drop a couple of hot pieces then maybe we could collaborate. But your topics are just crazy. Im going to calculate some things in my head and see what I can come up with. Nice work.

- 4

[+Danny Ocean+]

Nice read. Blah im gunna skip the flow,stucture and vocab part cuz we know at this point ur on top of that. To the good part. Your imagery is what makes me always peep ur OM's.You have a consistency for dropping ill OM's. This reminded me of the collab u did with R. Corey. You made me want to keep reading so big ups.

I told what happened, but they just doubt me
They tried to make me confess, and do a bid
By beating me, & telling me what the killer did...

Flawless. U made this guy seem like a total nut case. In most cases they just make him kill and blah blah but in thise case actually made me think this guy is crazy.The interrogation part was perfected and mastered with ur flow and creativeness. Nice touch with the future ending.Keep it up.

Also can u peep my Ode to a Woman in my sig.

[Chris Black]

Thanks for the replies. All favors returned.

-W1

[The Beat Mod]

w1cked makes me jealous lol. Man...u keep elevatin...I'm tryin my best to keep up but i'm gettin left far behind lol.

Yea...Everybody has talked about vocab, etc... in this piece. But what I really like about your pieces is the wording that you choose...I don't even like most of my own wording...but your fits what you write perfectly.

Also, probably my favourite thing about your pieces...is that you show that you don't need a dictionary to express intensive imagery. Just by reading it, you know exactly what is going on...almost as if you could picture the place in which it was happening. Imagery is probably the best trait that a story-teller could possess...and you do it in a fashion that the common person can read and enjoy.

Very good work man.

pz.

- T-West. (Yea I bit your trend!)

[Chris Black]

Good lookin'.

-W1