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Thread: Snapping...

  1. #1
    Veteran Born To Kill's Avatar
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    Snapping...

    Frequently and sneakily I secretly hit her room...
    Determined like hungry vermin to make it her tomb.
    Hovering over her covering, she's asleep in sheets...
    Still in slumber as I lumber yearning to crawl beneath.
    Flaxen hair over skin so fair flutters with tiny breaths...
    Takes in air while unaware that I gaze upon her breasts.
    Pressure builds as the thrill of the kill beckons my brain...
    My habitual ritual concludes, I succumb to going insane.
    I've gazed at this whore before, prior to snapping...
    Entered her door cuz I adored just seeing her napping.
    But no more containing the raining of impulses in my head...
    Obsession defeats suppression as I crawl into her bed.
    Gently, oh so gently...I cozy up beside...
    Knowing very soon, I'll be the reason she just died.
    Her tiny nose wrinkles as it detects my foreign scent...
    Her porcelain brow furrows as subconcious comprehends.
    Eyelashes flutter, then ocean eyes open with a start...
    The tranquil blue turns to ice as fear freezes her heart.
    Before any reaction I take action, hand over mouth...
    Her scream of terror cut off by flesh before it get's out.
    Ice eyes locked on my deranged ones, a moment of truth...
    And backtracking's in the past, forever gone like my youth.
    So forward I go towards hell with lunacy leading the way...
    And she knows so very well this is a game she has to play.
    Away goes my hand, but I'm only greeted with silence...
    And she meets every demand, hoping to avoid violence.
    Each offense is short lived, but I repeatedly offend...
    Till morning begins to break, signaling our time must end.
    Slowly I turn her over, and once again press my weight...
    Look into her face so she can see every drop of hate.
    Weary eyes look back at mine, she's tired and gives up...
    "Do with me what you will, I can tell you haven't had enough"
    Her eyes close but I beckon them open, one last favor for me...
    I need to see the flowing ocean as it becomes the still dead sea.
    She grants me this and after one last kiss, I replace my hand...
    Then use two fingers to pinch her nose so her lungs can't expand.
    She doesn't try to take a breath so quickly surrenders to death...
    Watching the beauty of life leave forever left me very impressed.
    No sadness, only madness, cuz I've been noticing many others...
    That'll replace that beautiful face when I become their last lover.

    Guard your women...



    Feedback given to...
    Token...Hopeless Love

  2. #2
    \(^-^)/ Freeman's Avatar
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    Dope.

    Seriously, you portrayed the killers emotions very well.
    Amazing detail thoughout.

    The most graphic..

    "Her tiny nose wrinkles as it detects my foreign scent...
    Her porcelain brow furrows as subconcious comprehends.
    Eyelashes flutter, then ocean eyes open with a start...
    The tranquil blue turns to ice as fear freezes her heart."


    Genius. ^

    Flow stayed on thoughout.

    This is one of the best things ive read for a long time.

    No fault to be had on this from my view point.

    OM of the Month.

    Im already very protective of my woman. But now I think i'll go that extra length to protect her in everyway.

    Keep writing.

    Can you leave some feedback on the poem called "Hayley", please. Ive tried something sort of new and think it has improved me as a writer. Much appreciated. Thanks.

    Peace.

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  3. #3
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    well, this was your dopest piece you've ever written. a tight ass open mic. very good description.... without the long sentences that most writers need. used good words, didn't "over vocab" it (meaning u didnt force the vocab).. nice multies and internal rhyming... good storyline... i think its legendary *nominates it* peeps need to nominate stuff thats legendary...

  4. #4
    Veteran Born To Kill's Avatar
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    Damn, Feebs...

    Thank you.

    Alot.

    Thanks to you too, Free.

    Peace

  5. #5
    Veteran Born To Kill's Avatar
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    Bump!

  6. #6
    . Token's Avatar
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    Damn you're ill at open mics. Flow was great and never really fell off. Emotion was outstanding although you lost me in some points. That could be because it's early tho. By far your illest piece. I didn't know you could write like that.

    Let's collab. Also, join Opticals, Creations topical crew.

  7. #7
    Planet of the Rapes. Evolve's Avatar
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    Dawg, you've come along way. I've noticed you've added some internal rhyming & more multi's to your pieces. It shows. You've really improved man. I enjoyed this piece alot. Flow was most definately on point & the sylabol count was almost perfect. Nice imagery. All around dope piece fam. Well done.

    Its about time you old fuck!!!! lol
    Rappers sound the same man, found 1 game plan & ran through it
    They all got that Geico flow.. Cause even a cave man can do it

    ArtificialIntelligence









    AI

  8. #8
    Veteran Born To Kill's Avatar
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    Feeble, Freeman, Token, Evolve...

    Saying my shit's dope.

    Now that's fuckin feedback!

    Much appreciated, gents, very much.

    Thank you.

    Peace

  9. #9
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    Crazy shit. *Hides little sisters*. I loved the rhymescheme and flow. Seemed like some Edgar Allem Poe shit. Great story telling and imagery. This was definately a good read. Nice job.

  10. #10
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    honestly i thought this shit was wack as fuck, you a killer???????come on asshole this was garbage,

    Naw let me stop fucking wit you, this shit was classic i'm going to highlight the same shit Freeman did cuz i'm an asshole like that


    "Her tiny nose wrinkles as it detects my foreign scent...
    Her porcelain brow furrows as subconcious comprehends.
    Eyelashes flutter, then ocean eyes open with a start...
    The tranquil blue turns to ice as fear freezes her heart.

    Without question this was the best part, genius shit now if you'll excuse me i'm going to call and warn my kid sister, but you can feel free to kill my girlfriend, bitch talks to much.

  11. #11
    I see you lookin.. stupid Brandon Heat's Avatar
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    Finally... ya old ass starts to listen to what I've been tellin you... Hey... all jokes aside... this is probably the best... and I mean... BEST joint I have seen from you...


    flow was good... kinda hit n' miss in a few places... not bad though...
    vocab yea... yea... yea... yea...
    mutli's... good use... I'm likin...
    content... you're one sick bastard... I like..!
    length... I think you could have expanded a little more... naw mean... nothing to hurt or help but would have brought it out some more... naw mean..?
    metas... hum... eh...



    basically I'm highly fuckin impressed old guy... I'd actually collab with you... lol
    AlieNation
    ..GrindHouse..


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    we see you Cock-A-Roaches looking...

    Coming Soon

  12. #12
    I see you lookin.. stupid Brandon Heat's Avatar
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    hey you wanna have my baby..?
    AlieNation
    ..GrindHouse..


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    we see you Cock-A-Roaches looking...

    Coming Soon

  13. #13
    Planet of the Rapes. Evolve's Avatar
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    Av ^^^^ I think the quote in your sig is older than BTK. change it now!!!
    Rappers sound the same man, found 1 game plan & ran through it
    They all got that Geico flow.. Cause even a cave man can do it

    ArtificialIntelligence









    AI

  14. #14
    I see you lookin.. stupid Brandon Heat's Avatar
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    Lmao
    AlieNation
    ..GrindHouse..


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    we see you Cock-A-Roaches looking...

    Coming Soon

  15. #15
    Veteran Born To Kill's Avatar
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    Awww, Av...

    Showin love in here!

    Thanks much, my man...

    I don't think I'll be having your baby though...
    But you can rent mine for a modest fee!

    Thanks Gunny and Grams too!
    (sounds like gangsta cereal, don't it?)

    Glad ya'll liked!

    Peace

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