User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 15 of 15

Thread: For The First Time..

  1. #1
    \(^-^)/ Freeman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Posts
    1,828
    Battle Record
    24-11

    For The First Time..

    For The First Time..

    Two shadows glide across the room..
    .. That is the image from the street
    Kissing, they draw the curtains..
    .. And lie down on the bed sheets
    Each one is apprehensive of what is to come
    He was all over her, kissing her neck..
    .. She had to succumb
    Her heart flutters as her skin is slowly caressed
    He works his way slowly down from her shoulders..
    .. Down to her chest
    Smoothing each breast.. Taking them in his palm
    Kissing her gently and tasting her lip balm
    Far from calm.. Her heart beat explodes into action
    Turned the music up..
    .. So there would be no distraction
    Immeasurable satisfaction.. Breathing becomes faster
    She took control.. He was new.. So she would be the master
    Would be a disaster.. If it was the other way around
    He was a virgin.. She wasnt.. She was on the rebound
    Caught the bags her ex threw to the ground..
    .. But also caught another thing
    At the time she coudnt see what problems..
    .. Not using a condom would bring
    All for a fling.. Her hatred for men is scary
    This silly lad thought that he was popping her cherry
    But she is wary.. Giving it out but she is nervous
    She has alterior motives..
    .. She has him there for a purpose
    Hatched a plan under the surface.. All kept quiet
    She has just embarked upon her Man-Eating diet
    Would start a riot.. Her mind crazed as she hovered
    Poised over his penis that was no longer covered
    She wasnt bothered.. About to wreck his life forever
    Didnt care like "Whatever"..
    .. As she embarked upon her endeavor
    Didnt mind whoever.. Any man diserved what she would give
    Cuz her ex gave her a present for which she would never forgive
    Hatred squeezed through the sieve that was her mind
    Then she lowered down and they both easily combined
    Legs became entwined.. Juices mixed up and merged
    An orgasm through his body is what suddenly surged
    His penis emerged.. Tainted with it forvever and a day
    As this was the first time the girl..
    .. Had ever passed on AIDS

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  2. #2
    \(^-^)/ Freeman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Posts
    1,828
    Battle Record
    24-11
    Links..

    #1
    #2

    Pz..

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  3. #3
    Banned
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Mifflinburg, PA
    Posts
    6,693
    Battle Record
    12-1
    Very nice work man...I really enjoyed this....Been awhile since I have read something from you and what you drop keeps amazing me....I really liked this....had a nice twist to it at the ending....the flow in this was real nice, flowed smoothly through out the entire piece man, very nice...Overall a nice piece, enjoyed it...and you only need 1 link from now on

  4. #4
    \(^-^)/ Freeman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Posts
    1,828
    Battle Record
    24-11
    And there is me with two links..

    So efficient.. Lol..

    Thanks for the comments man..

    Up..

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  5. #5
    Banned Penskills's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    ..::::..::..::::..
    Posts
    2,550
    Battle Record
    8-87
    I actually thought this was very well written..I haven't read Bare Chuckles verse yet..
    I'm sure he came nice and I'm sure this will be a dope battle...

  6. #6
    \(^-^)/ Freeman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Posts
    1,828
    Battle Record
    24-11
    Thanks Pen..

    Nice to see the old name back.. ..

    Up..

    Pz..

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  7. #7
    Twin Cities 651 Laureate's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    Minnesota 651
    Posts
    6,472
    Battle Record
    91-11
    Awards OFOTK Champion Haiku Champion Legendary PC Legendary Member PC HOF OM HOF 75+ Wins
    This was nice...emotion ran high throughout....
    I thought the flow was mostly on...lost me in a
    few places but was overall on target...The imagry was
    ok...wasn't really necessary in this piece as you
    emotiona nd feeling carried it
    Nice drop Freeman

    Please peep http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=121263
    A few achievements here and there

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  8. #8
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Posts
    192
    really nice verse freeman, i was really feeling that, ive had some similar experiences so i can relate to this. very nice verse it had great feeling and emotion mixed into it. Great drop it was a great read.

  9. #9
    Back By Popular Demand... ELEETE's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Location
    San Jose (Bay Area), California
    Age
    40
    Posts
    837
    Battle Record
    1-0
    Damn....This is an SS battle? Fuck it ill leave feedback there....Nice work free...find my feedback in yo battle...

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  10. #10
    Veteran Born To Kill's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Houston, Texas
    Age
    54
    Posts
    20,733
    Battle Record
    212-103
    Awards LLL Season Champion LLL HOF 200+ Wins
    Well, a bit on the mean spirited side...

    But very well put together.

    Great flow and multi's, they were your strong point.
    Vocab could have been more complex, maybe a medical term or two coulda been thrown in for impact...
    But aside from that, not much wrong with this.

    The message was tight, I understand her anger, but do bitches/dudes actually be doing that? Purposely passing out AIDS like free samples at the grocery store? Isn't there a real life law against that? Anyway, I'd have killed the bitch real slow when I found out, but that's just me, I digress...forgive me.

    That's a sign you spit something good when peeps get angry/emotional over it, duke...

    Nice read, but now I wanna slap a bitch.

    Peace

  11. #11
    I'll have the gabagool Fresh's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    20,410
    Battle Record
    96-70
    Awards FL Tournament Winner - Award nomination from Spree accepted. 75+ Wins 1-2 Punch HW Champion LLL Champion Cypher Winner OM HOF FL Champion
    Two shadows glide across the room..
    .. That is the image from the street
    Kissing, they draw the curtains..
    .. And lie down on the bed sheets
    Nice imagery... Pretty simple, but gets to the point and lets us know what we need to know.. Also intruduces the fact that this is gonna be a love song...
    Each one is apprehensive of what is to come
    He was all over her, kissing her neck..
    .. She had to succumb
    Her heart flutters as her skin is slowly caressed
    Nice vocab man, Described her emotions nicely.. Her heart flutters --> I love that line, great imagery...
    He works his way slowly down from her shoulders..
    .. Down to her chest
    Smoothing each breast.. Taking them in his palm
    Kissing her gently and tasting her lip balm
    Gives me the image of a movie where people are beginning the process of sex.. Like almost slow motion, because its so deep... Kids could read this and be like "Damn! I'm going to do that to my girl!" You describe this with great imagery... And its the proper way to get atta chick...
    Far from calm.. Her heart beat explodes into action
    Turned the music up..
    .. So there would be no distraction
    Immeasurable satisfaction.. Breathing becomes faster
    She took control.. He was new.. So she would be the master
    I like the imagery you use with her heart exploding.. He's got her adrenilene (however you spell it) pumping it seems.. When you say turned the music up, it makes me think of a movie with music in the background goin louder... The music makes the piece so much deeper, and I don't think to many people would notice it... But just picture yourself in his position.. music sorta in the background, then as you get more intamite the music gets louder... louder... Your in a different world... The music does alot for me, great job... Then breathing becomes faster! thats what I was talking about, your gettin deeper and deeper into the romantic moment and its like living thru slow motion, cause your enjoying it so much... Most girls do take controll, whether the guy is new or not.. lol..
    Would be a disaster.. If it was the other way around
    He was a virgin.. She wasnt.. She was on the rebound
    Caught the bags her ex threw to the ground..
    The guy seemed to be doing good with caressing her tits and kissing her neck and shit, I never woulda guessed he was a virgin... But I see I understand that thats the reason it would be a disaster if he took controll..
    .. But also caught another thing
    At the time she coudnt see what problems..
    .. Not using a condom would bring
    All for a fling.. Her hatred for men is scary
    This silly lad thought that he was popping her cherry
    She caught another thing? Can't be a STD, cause buddy's a virgin... But I'm forwhadowing a baby.. I havent read farther then this yet just so ya know... I guess thats why she hates men or something?? LMAO at buddy thinkin he was poppin her cherry, proves he's definetly new at this...
    But she is wary.. Giving it out but she is nervous
    She has alterior motives..
    .. She has him there for a purpose
    Hatched a plan under the surface.. All kept quiet
    She has just embarked upon her Man-Eating diet
    I just want to point out at this point, that your rhyme scheme is really unique.. I like it.. Shes up to something, I dunno what but you say she hates men, I dunoo.. She has him there for a purpose, and I dont think its to get pregnent... Great imagery.. Hatched a plan under the surface, Very deep.. Man eating diet? Dayum... Crazy bitch.. This guys not going to be happy he had her "For The First Time"...
    Would start a riot.. Her mind crazed as she hovered
    Poised over his penis that was no longer covered
    She wasnt bothered.. About to wreck his life forever
    Didnt care like "Whatever"..
    .. As she embarked upon her endeavor
    Flow is crazy in this man.. Good job on that.. This just keeps getting deeper and deeper.. Leading to the climax of the story, nice job keeping it suspenseful... I hope she isnt going to bite his dick off... Hovering over it uncovered.. About to wreck his life.. Shit son... This is very interesting..
    Didnt mind whoever.. Any man diserved what she would give
    Cuz her ex gave her a present for which she would never forgive
    Hatred squeezed through the sieve that was her mind
    Then she lowered down and they both easily combined
    Ok not gonna bite his dick off, her last boy friend gaver her an STD, and shes filled with hatred.. Gonna give him a disease, Im gettin it now.. Great job on making this suspenseful... I was like, shit this is long.. But like always with dope pieces I was waiting to find out what happened next.. You had me guessing and I was wrong about shit, so you did a good job making me guess... These bars are very deep.. Great metaphorical use and imagery...
    Legs became entwined.. Juices mixed up and merged
    An orgasm through his body is what suddenly surged
    His penis emerged.. Tainted with it forvever and a day
    As this was the first time the girl..
    .. Had ever passed on AIDS
    Shit man great ending... Imagery is fucking perfect, the way you describe the exchange of bodily fluids.. Takes you right into depth, like you were microscopic and watching these fluids going crazy and shit.. Great job.. I like how the title can mean two things.. It can mean it was the first time buddy had sex, which is what I thought the title meant.. But then at the very end you realize its because its the first time she passes on AIDS... This piece was beautifully written... Imagery, metaphors, everything just came together to make this a perfect piece..

    Man, this was an amazing piece.. You got a great passion for writing, and can go right into depth with things in how you desribe them.. At points shit was like slow motion.. Like I was experiencing it, or rather brought up some memories.. lol.. This piece had me wanting to read more and more, because I was so interested in finding out what happens to the guy, as you can see I thought a couple different things would happen.. It was like a suspenseful romance.. lol.. Very original concept.. I think almost anyone else would have done a shitty job with this topic.. Great job.. Something we can relate too.. Except for the catching aids part (for most of us anyways..)... I cant think of anything you need to improve upon... Everything was really nice..

    Well I'm going to have to stop here, because I could ramble for quite awhile, Im pretty sure I expresed everything I wanted too...

    If you could hit up either of the pieces in my sig itd be much appreciated.. Thanks..

    Peace.

  12. #12
    \(^-^)/ Freeman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Posts
    1,828
    Battle Record
    24-11
    Whoa.. ^^

    Thats some in-depth reply!

    Thanks..

    Thanks to all of the replies..

    Up..

    Pz..

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  13. #13
    Nephil SMZ's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Fort Hood, TX
    Posts
    3,705
    Battle Record
    6-3
    Awards WOP Champion
    what everyone else said...

    Twist was very good - I liked it - you surprised me. Flow was nice, etc, etc. Not the first time you've come with the X-rated stuff... saw one part that seemed off:

    ".. But also caught another thing
    At the time she coudnt see what problems..
    .. Not using a condom would bring"

    Thought either the first line here needed to be longer or the next two shortened a little somehow. Nice work again Free - hit my Breathless when you get a chance - peace.

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    I'm dead.


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    Hence Forward

  14. #14
    .:Fuck You:. Reeco's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Posts
    1,175
    Battle Record
    18-5
    dammmmmmmmm
    this piece is by far the best piece i've every read from you, such a great rhyming scheme to start with the piece flowed together so well, it was like i didnt wanna stop!! vocab was very good also!! the best bit by far was the emotion you potrayed, and the way you used the words to describe stuff!! good message this om is sending out to people. great stuff, i'm goin to vote this of om of the month!1 pz man 9/10

    ya know what to do, under my sig. pz
    .

    -An Original RB Member: Yes, We're That Much Doper Than You-


    .

  15. #15
    \(^-^)/ Freeman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Posts
    1,828
    Battle Record
    24-11
    Lol..

    The X-Rated stuff owns..

    You know you all love it..

    Its so easy to write aswell..

    Lol..

    Up..

    Pz..

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Similar Threads

  1. Because I miss you guys from time to time...
    By Lauren. in forum Member Pictures
    Replies: 43
    Last Post: April 20th, 2011, 09:44 PM
  2. For the first time in a long time, I'm happy.
    By BIZ.VICIOUS in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 30
    Last Post: March 22nd, 2007, 08:21 AM
  3. A track I wanna bump to time and time again is..
    By B.I.Detained. in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: November 15th, 2006, 08:19 PM
  4. Long Time Wrapper, First Time Poster.
    By shizzybrane in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: November 30th, 2005, 03:56 PM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •