rest in peace

[StoOoOne420]

shiit this place is gettin crazee
everybodies eyes r just gettin hazy
dont even wanna see what da fuck is goin down
damn this used to b just a quiet lil town
it aint suppose to b like this
everyday someones gotta bury their sis
now we all prayin to the lord...
beggin to up above for him to let r bros aboard
now all we get is drama
hopin that the next one who gets shot wont b r mama
man wen is someone gonna start crackin down on this shiit
ppl sayin its gettin better n it aint even change 1 lil bit
pretty fucked wen every week someones dyin
see parents at their babiis funeral cryin
we need to end all this mess
then we'll finally have success
but till then keep showin luv to up above for ur bros u miss
n dont even try n diss at this




http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...42#post5436342

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...78#post5436378

[Z. Wizzle]

dam, nice story

[blitz905]

good topical shit u gotta get ur self into topical battles fa real

[Soule]

Now for some actual Feedback,

The Structre was bleh, your lines were to short and uneven. The Wordplay was weak. The Flow was strong but it aint really anything with weak Wording now is it? The Emotion was decent. The Creativty was decent. The Imagenation was decent as well. I felt that with a topic like this, you could have brought it up a lot better. You've got some potential, kep at it.

~Bell.

Return The Favor with feedback on my peices, you might learn a lil.

[P. Mortuus]

Okay this seems like an elementary piece...nothing against you or nothing but your porbably at the same stage i was a year ago...concentrate on using more exlcusive rhymes..if you can't rhyme 3 to 4 times try using better words to end the rhymes...like bro, sis..mama..they may be relations and emotive and all but they don't have the wow factor to end a line..try using clever comparisons and concepts in your piece..also...read around...read pieces by writers such as Engivale...Vortex....Witness and others who are at the same stage as them...this will help you to understand how to keep flow but add sub-topics into topics and relate it to modern or even historical events/problems/social issues and believe me....stick around and kee writing..you'll develop as a writer....Don't ever believe someone who tells you everything is perfect...i prefer giving constructive comments to comments that'll make a writer happy. Stay up^.

[Atti]

battle links don't count toward open mics. I'll give you until the end of the day to figure shit out, but I'm starting to lose patience.

[Vacent.]

nothing against your peice just that all your lines are of different lengths which kind of stunts the flow and it could be more complex with better vocab.....

leave feed on my new OM

[StoOoOne420]

lol k well this was one of my first rhymes... i noe it is short but i like it n it hits home for me... well at the time wen alot of bs was happening but ya thnx for "constructive critism" lol i guess

[StoOoOne420]

oooh ya n i'll get another link in... u said to look in the rules n it had nothing about this in there... i had to ask someone... so this aint my fault=|....

[CrosT Over]

I think you definatley have some potential to work with, i think you could have probably spent a few extra minutes developing some of the thoughts which would have added a better emotional appeal, but overall for a first write i think you have some flavor....just waitin for the time to come when your rhymes look as good as you do in that picture.....

[Piztol Pete]

the message was good but the delivery was weak and aint nothin wrong with simplicity in my opinion but this just seemed like a 10 year wrote it [i dont kno how old u r] but u should keep practicin cause practice makes perfect u kno and write everyday you'll get better

[Witty]

You have a lot of work to do, but you will get there, I can already see glimpses of potential peeking through this verse. You should try and be more original, people appreciate originality. You also need to work on your rhyme scheme, try and use a more universal scheme instead of common words that people are going to expect. so yea, keep writing, you will elevate. Peace

Get at my piece 'Innocence?' Thanks

[StoOoOne420]

thnx this was on my first rhymes tho i have better ones... but i'll post more later... n awe thnx crost over

[Atti]

Open Mic Rules and Info: MUST READ NOW.

- You must leave 2 links to 2 open mics that you left decent feedback on. If you don’t your piece will be closed and if you continue to not leave links your pieces will be deleted. Please note that this means that you must leave enough feedback to satisfy the moderators - decent feedback usually consists of, at least, four lines - at the very least.

.. it's the first rule.

[StoOoOne420]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...90#post5437890

theres the other one