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Thread: Back to Before - "Inside the Crowd"

  1. #1
    You've earned a custom title! Cody Nash's Avatar
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    Back to Before - "Inside the Crowd"

    Back to Before - "Inside the Crowd"


    sneaking around, beneath our morals but it feels sound
    naked together, light-footed, not touching real ground
    I promise to be there forever, and you blurt out the same
    only to destroy my life at end of the game


    I see you ..there'll be no escaping either
    just wait until you stop to take a breather
    the anger awakes tears, dead to the night
    you pray and run ramped in a fright
    my feet feel light, my head is spinning
    I attack my opposition, with no sense of winning
    you riot yourself, deep within the mosh
    don't deny it for help ..You’re inside a cross
    but still lost, there's no saving you now
    you turn to me, praying you'll know how
    - only turning to a.. POW!

    it's only in a crowd, you see who she is
    but it's also in a crowd, no one sees what HE gets
    how hard he gets it, dragged into the pit
    receiving a bigger preaching than that of a little kid
    we seem to fiddle with the wrong things
    which was the downfall of many strong kings
    but as her freedom rings
    it's a fearsome pain it brings
    he touched what you thought was yours
    and she'd proven there WERE unjust whores
    - and you end up back to before

    ending a story, nothing gory ..just a black eye and bruises
    only to prove far less than the best of what a guy loses
    and I think of my mother, I'm smothered as she cries
    "cheaters never prosper!"
    responding - "then why do I want to die!!"

  2. #2
    You've earned a custom title! Cody Nash's Avatar
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  3. #3
    Mindless Self-Engulfed In Moniker's Avatar
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    Re: Back to Before - "Inside the Crowd"

    This was a basic piece here, not as in depth or imagery driven as some of your poetic works. The flow was alright, maybe a bit forced in a few instances but overall easy to read. I would've expected a piece like this, especially with what you were trying to get at, to be a bit more heavy laced emotion wise, but it was still there. Word chioce definitly held it back. The strongest parts to me where.."you riot yourself, deep within the mosh/don't deny it for help ..You’re inside a cross... and .... he touched what you thought was yours/and she'd proven there WERE unjust whores" A decent start man, and it can be stronger with a few revisions.
    A ruthless
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    of everything existing.
    Po'ethics
    abstanticollective.

  4. #4
    You've earned a custom title! Cody Nash's Avatar
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    Re: Back to Before - "Inside the Crowd"

    thank you sir.. your voice is appreciated, leave links.

  5. #5
    Mindless Self-Engulfed In Moniker's Avatar
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    Re: Back to Before - "Inside the Crowd"

    No doubt. Put ya Dukes up!
    A ruthless
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    of everything existing.
    Po'ethics
    abstanticollective.

  6. #6
    Banned Penlord's Avatar
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    Re: Back to Before - "Inside the Crowd"

    Pretty good, ending topped it off the best. You already hit my battle with lw truth lw so I'm here to return any favors.

    Either way your multies were fine, but I disliked the structure. Put a hurt on my eyes. Basic rhyming, like mine was.

    Uh, yeah, cry, you're a good topical writer, You still need some pollishing though, I'd suggest in rhyme fashion, deeper poetism, and presentation.

    But, it's not like I'm one to talk.

    I suck at everything.

    AND I'm a biter/dickrider

    Keep it easy Cry.

    OH and... I liked the "no sense of winning" line.

    ;]

    1

  7. #7

    Re: Back to Before - "Inside the Crowd"

    This was aight. your flow was good and consistent. This peice wasnt very creative but it still was good. You had some multis but they seemed forced at times. Dont know what else to say realy overall not bad fam.

  8. #8
    You've Earned a Custom Title! S.K.O.R.C.H's Avatar
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    Re: Back to Before - "Inside the Crowd"

    Not bad Cry. U had some aight lines, like..... "(ending a story, nothing gory ..just a black eye and bruises
    only to prove far less than the best of what a guy loses
    and I think of my mother, I'm smothered as she cries
    "cheaters never prosper!"
    responding - "then why do I want to die!!")" The whole track was aight, not the best iv'e seen u do, but wasn't that bad. Hope u keep droppin some nice shit. -1- 4.75/10
    "Killing me with a gun is easy, try a pen"
    -talib kweli-
    -OPEN MICS-
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    -3 of da illest eva-

  9. #9
    You've earned a custom title! Cody Nash's Avatar
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    Re: Back to Before - "Inside the Crowd"

    lollllll .....upps, thanks for feedback

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