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Thread: "This is George."

  1. #1

    "This is George."

    This is George...

    George is perfect:
    These suburban moments, high times/9-5 workman;
    easy smile's, single child, divine wife before-hand.
    A shorthand masterpiece damp in plaster screen,
    shaped to master mold of the olden pastor's preach.
    Picnic plain smirks on sermon Sunday's after church;
    family scenic- seamless overcast of Monday's worth.
    And
    ... at the sign of every forth Sabbath, you'll find George:
    on the park bench with Diane passing time with birds.
    Some would call it perfect, and they'd be right-
    under the sunlight's surface... this is life.

    George is just so perfect-

    Business class with clean grass, plastic picket fence,
    freshly snipped hedges and a savvy business sense;
    a spotless credit record a top his faultless gesture-
    champagne remains from fires of all success let burn.
    Dollar bill solis beneath the land fill- collared zeal modest,
    flipping quarters to homeless stand stills to feel real profit.
    He's your saint's model: stair then paint the late model
    and make- hoping to create the same subtle of great.
    And
    ... with the descent of thundering praise he remains in content,
    twiddling his fingers until Diane and he may sing in lament-
    repent and remorse, cry-choke, regret that bond that broke
    once over in another time, were love had gone past hope.

    But George is still perfect-

    He sits in the pews on two knees pleading his dues.
    God doesn't choose any one favorite he listens too.
    He sings those perfect final hymn notes to observant vinyl,
    under God's worship the Bull-God still deserves his silo.
    It makes him uncomfortable
    ... the attention that is- it doesn't sit well on his soul.
    Beneath the limelight he's wide eye'd and clenched teeth
    breathing heavy until 'leave me alone' those breaths seize.
    But it's over; he stands and turns over to shake hands:
    'Thanks be to you' he spews to a man with pacience.

    George remains perfect-

    But
    ... he goes alone today;

    Walks through the park with his heart following two
    hollow beats, that mark the pathway to a wallowing bloom,
    and then the two paths hatch on another blue Sabbath;
    they sit in silence, beneath the past of violence to stab at
    some form of civilized life with Diane to mask the new mavericks.
    George just sits patient, breaking bread for bird wings
    while listening for the dove's greatest tune of togetherings...
    But
    ... it never comes, a tear never runs- a hue never blooms
    and the two never reunite- they just lend their solitude.
    So he frowns and she stairs and he cares but she's proud-
    and can't bare to take his apology now...
    so he stands, softly kiss her hand and sweeps her cheek-
    gets on one knee and speaks,
    'I-I'll just see you, in another three weeks.'



    George is still perfect-

    But,
    beneath the unknown,
    his cognito is hideous;
    the tar on his hands wont
    rub off with soap and spit,
    and this city will worship him
    ... at least until the autumn foleage.



    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=317481
    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=317368
    Last edited by Atti; December 3rd, 2006 at 11:55 AM
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  2. #2
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    Re: "This is George."

    Damn...this was extravagent....It flowed well...a very good read...and narrative point of view...I loved the vocab you used.....descripitive wording...it felt like I were hearing this right from the horses mouth as i read through it...the topic was good and I enjoyed the way you handled it...the rhyme scheme was nice...and your multi's were good...this piece really grabbed me....it's something else about it I cant put my finger on at the moment...but when I figure it out..I'll come back and edit....ovearll great job....Keep it ^ for I've noticed you're very talented....plz RTF I could use feed from a talented writer like yourself..


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  3. #3
    Stephen F. Mayfield Stephen Mayfield's Avatar
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    Re: "This is George."

    Wow, this kinda reminds me of fight club lol....I really liked this piece, flow was amazing, and the story itself was quit enticing....i like how you structured this, it was well designed and very creativity as well.....Fuckin george, lol...i know people like that...

  4. #4
    Can't teach you my swag! D. Josey's Avatar
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    Re: "This is George."

    Dang dude, when I grow up I wanna be just like you content and flow-wise. I couldn't believe how short this was cut, compared to your average size piece, man but this was dope - kid. I loved this, and it was just so far fetched yet understandable. You're crazy with the flow man, this was picture perfect. Your words were so coherent, and don't mind me when I say this was lovely. This was dope, you're definitely one of my top writers on RB, man. Look out for the nominee, bro, this was definitely worth it. Good job.

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  5. #5
    You've earned a custom title! Cody Nash's Avatar
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    Re: "This is George."

    very good. to me, what i got was the love of his life died, but throughout all his downfalls and folleys he was still perfect as he remained in God's hands. He stayed with prayer, stayed begging for forgiveness. i loved this entire piece. the flow was sensational, not too much ..not too little. your vocabulary is still somewhat beyond me as it usually is and i feel like i learn new words and their meanings every time i read your pieces, lol. so thanks for widening my vocabulary as well with your pieces. i can't really critique what's bad with it, because i'm not quite to the level of doing that yet with writing, but i would appreciate your critique on mine.

    great read, thanks for it.

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=318375

    "...And then the Rain Spoke"

  6. #6
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    Re: "This is George."

    Nice. Real nice. I was feelin' this from the start. Geh, I need some nice content like that. Lol. The flow was of course excellent with Multies being the cherry on top. Vocab. upped the piece and Meta's were here and there. Right off the bat when I started readin' this I knew it was goin' to be somethin' worth my time. The imagery in the piece made visuals in my head and did wonders with the flow. Excellence man, Keep up.
    -Insert Sig-



  7. #7
    You've Earned a Custom Title! The Vortex's Avatar
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    Re: "This is George."

    ive not much time but...


    ridiculously tite rythym ,ha....nice rhyme assortment.the content i will comment more on later......
    coz iz strange as usual.......



    hell no ill hafta get back tommorow on this ...








    my new poem

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=318790
    .................................................. ......................

  8. #8
    ...nxiwT Twixn...'s Avatar
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    Re: "This is George."

    First thing i noticed in this was the banging flow... like boom boomb honestly felt like it shot out like a gun and i like that... nice and quick with an almost choppy feel... but not choppy at all... and i like how each line was a new description of bush at the start.

    Some would call it perfect, and they'd be right-
    under the sunlight's surface... this is life.

    ^that just flowed off the tounge like tequila.

    a spotless credit record a top his faultless gesture-
    champagne remains from fires of all success let burn.

    ^^ i know theres still flow there... but it felt like it slowed down a bit... just a small observation..

    ... the attention that is- it doesn't sit well on his soul.
    Beneath the limelight he's wide eye'd and clenched teeth
    breathing heavy until 'leave me alone' those breaths seize.

    ^^ i love the use of lime light, i dont know why when i ever i hear that in a rap i gets me all gittery.

    and that last verse well i could have put the whole thing in my post... but i liked it the best... and i dont mean the little outtro i mean the last full verse... it was awesome... that and the first one where my favorite... the firsts verses flow was savage and really brought you into the peice... and the last verse... welll it had everything...

    Walks through the park with his heart following two
    hollow beats, that mark the pathway to a wallowing bloom,
    and then the two paths hatch on another blue Sabbath;
    they sit in silence, beneath the past of violence to stab at

    ^^^ definatly my favortie lines... this is probably the best stab ive read at bush... and ive done a few... and probably just the best stab at anyone ive read... great work here the irony stood out..

    Peace... Twixy.
    READ MORE

  9. #9

    Re: "This is George."

    Haha, this wasn't about George Bush Twix- just a character I created who's name I decided to make, George. Thanks for all the feedback everyone.
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  10. #10
    ...nxiwT Twixn...'s Avatar
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    Re: "This is George."

    Quote Originally Posted by atticus
    Haha, this wasn't about George Bush Twix- just a character I created who's name I decided to make, George. Thanks for all the feedback everyone.
    rofl.... damn... i really had goerge bush stuck in my head.
    READ MORE

  11. #11

    Re: "This is George."

    Yet another dope peice from you atti. Your vocab in this was amazing along with the flow i liked how it was short n easy to read... just rolled off my tounge.. most of your pieces i cant really read in one stanza without taking a breath but this one suprisingly was great for me. The imagery while reading was great and your emotion was there aswell and very strong.. cant really say much about this piece due to the fact that its basically flawless n i cant critique it.

    But,
    beneath the unknown,
    his cognito is hideous;
    the tar on his hands wont
    rub off with soap and spit,
    and this city will worship him
    ... at least until the autumn foleage

    That would probably be the part i liked the most. It was so perfectly worded. great piece man

  12. #12
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    Re: "This is George."

    ... the attention that is- it doesn't sit well on his soul.
    Beneath the limelight he's wide eye'd and clenched teeth
    breathing heavy until 'leave me alone' those breaths seize.

    too me these were possibly the best words throughout the piece..it just got at me a different way than the rest..this was an extravagant piece..almost so descriptive that i forgot to follow a rhythym, like i was reading a story...great job..
    "tape cassette in back pocket, all the songs he left behind
    a watch on his shoes, i guess hes running out of time
    as hes walking down the street hes talking to himself a little much
    vibing to the beat to hard, but he dont give a fuck
    all he knows is that wherever he goes, hell follow his soul
    his feetll take him there, so yea he follows his soles"-Vinci

  13. #13

    Re: "This is George."

    Bump...
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  14. #14
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    Re: "This is George."

    yes has took me a while to get back.have read extensively though. thought it was all mostly excelently wrote.nice vocab and multie creativity with the rhymes. nice flow and sharp meter. i must say the overall plot leaves me a bit like uhm???????? i dunno i guess you left it open to the reader to interpret differnet things..,because at parts i was wondering whats up?.like is somebody dead here..perhaps the man or woman. i dunno...... mettaphores was real good in this joint.had many strange ideas in fact......... nice poetic rhymes thaat worked well without seemng off

    amd the dude seemed to be a religious guy.then mention of the Bull God came up
    uhm.cool
    strange

    pz1

  15. #15

    Re: "This is George."

    The actual premis of the piece is that this character, George, comes off to the community as a model/perfect citizen but he has these insecurities in actuallity about being looked at and by attention and what not. And it speaks of his one error- a failed previous marraige, and how he still goes to visit with his ex, Diane, every 3rd or forth Sunday. But, you don't learn until the end of the piece that, he actually killed his ex wife, and is visiting the body that he left in the park woods.
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

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