Dear Nadir

[The Vortex]

...

...


Dear
(Miss) Nadir
It’s clear you’re no longer here,
And I’m glad at that,
Never would I take you back,
Your beauty is a trap…- door,
I act more morose closely to you,
& lack focus, hope is mostly blue.

A sunken heart is a harsh place,
The drunken art that I’d partake -
In half-baked hot-tempered aches….
Nadir was nearly the death of me,
Yet I didn’t fear the cemetery.

Your nauseous nails worry nerves,
Alluring evil with sexy curves,
Assuring a negative verve -
On the verge of turbulence,
Nebulous as Neptune
Your flume shoots sin at the Moon…
As the doves swoon -
Alas, our love is consumed.

Goodbye dear Nadir

X

Ps.

Fuck you.

[NiNjah Red]

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[D. Josey]

Pretty good poem man. It was basic, and seemed boring at the beginning but it was written with good style, man. I like this piece, and the vocabulary was alluring yet kind of simplistic. It was about a deceptive woman - I got that. I liked the coarse feel of this piece, and just the literal feel of it, and how it caught you in there. Good job, man.

[Constance]

I liked tthis anlot, it had an little hip hop feeling to it, the title itself is familar because i've done one of these recently, thee story line was meh, but your flow and rhyme schme was nice bruh, vocab was pretty simple but effective towards the atmosphere of this peace, although I felt that once in this specific stanza I felt the flow was almost lost or didn't really fit in wwith the reeest of the poem almost like it was forced.

A sunken heart is a harsh place,
The drunken art that I’d partake -
In half-baked hot-tempered aches….
Nadir was nearly the death of me,
Yet I didn’t fear the cemetery.

but all in all this was an nice peace that with improvementss it ccould be pretty damn dope, please rtf on my collab with baron p mortus and laureate called "smile away my blues"

[K-OptiK]

I really didn't think the ending was coming, that was a little unpredictable, which I enjoyed. I like the structure of your piece, choosing to set it out like a letter was a nice idea, quite often done but rarely done well. The topic was quite a common one, appearance versus reality, I found it rather ambiguous as it compares to a common topic of the romantic genre, although this was different entirely. I like the sound of the character you are writing to, she sounds like a really fiesty, strong minded woman who knows how to get what she wants out of life, I had an image of her in my head, which made the piece more realistic for me. The phonetics of this piece was simply amazing, you had it all; assonance, alliteration..the only thing I can advise you on is your vocabulary, try to use a wider range of exotic adjectives when describing feelings and emotions, don't get me wrong, you used some extensive imagery that worked very well, just don't lose grasp of the linguistics.My favourite line had to be:
'Nadir was nearly the death of me
But I didn't fear the cemetary'
This was deep, I got the feeling that your persona was so madly in love with this amazing, deceptive, intoxicating woman that he would do anything for her. This was perfectly contrasted in the final line..'fuck you'. nice.

If you get a chance to return the favour please feel free to do so, my poem is entitled 'Two Brothers'. I'd really appriciate it.

[NiNjah Red]

thanx alot for thae extensive feed...


i will sure get back to as many as i can real soon

[The Vortex]

f'sho

[Da Patriot]

like da way u wrote daq story
alot of think'n
good way wit wordz

[The Vortex]

piece


^

[IsRael]

this was a nice poem fam, the titled was a bit cliche everybody in the world did one of these kinds of piece, but you managed to bring the content witch makes hell of a diffrence, you weren't very descriptive , but you managed to come up to par on the emotion, it had kind of a hip hop atmosphere to it, the vocab ws alright like i said befor could've been a little more descriptive, this wasn't a really complex read but it was a smooth one and was also easy on the eyes. rtf

[dopestspitaeva]

thanx isreal

yrah iproped yo piece yeah
pz
n i'm OUT

ninJah/Vortex

1

[Foreshadow]

I wasnt really that into this poem at all! I thought that the stanzas were decently good but nothing to over the top. I thought that you were just writting lines to have the rhyme. Decent drop keep posting!

[The Vortex]

yups

[vocabz]

The structure of this piece was amazing - letter like. Your vocab was a lil simple, than what i peeped in your other piece. Its poetry though, so I accept it. The vocab aint really important anyway, but whats behind the piece is.... The imagery was dope, man. It worked out pretty well... The ending was nicely done, too - unpredictable, indeed. The flow all together, was nice and smooth. The people that always try doing this "letter like" shit seem to fuck it up, but this... This honestly was amazing, and done correct.... My poems on here arent actually poems, lol. Im really not a Poetry type guy, but you'd probably like em. Its more hip-hop, and I know your a hip-hop head. "The Four Horsemen" and the "Unconditional Love", you should check them out. A few old pieces I pulled out my notebook, so the styles different from what I do now. Thats incase your wondering, lol... -one-

The overall - dopeness and keep writin.

[Nique.]

Okay, obviously your structuring of certain words/phrases are leaps ahead of the way you structure your words/phrases in the Open Mic section. It's more coherent content wise as far as poetry goes. You're not trying as hard to flow persay, but anyway I really like your voice in this. Not too much emotion, but enough emotion to get the point. The ending was a bit unpredictable, almost a bit too unpredictable, but nevertheless I liked the way it was portrayed to the point where we automatically assumed it would end the complete opposite that it did. Pretty cool stuff.