Togetherness...Drawn Apart....Forever

[Forum]

Togetherness..Drawn Apart....Forever..

The line starts, once introduced I knew where were headed
Combined hearts, simple proof of the love we embedded
Refined remarks, templed truth roofed by intricate emotions
Defined art, we are together drawn mutual feelings and eloping
.
We laughed, as feelings surpassed like into love's scene
Our past, healings grasped beauty as if spreaded dove wing's
This grasp, charted graph's on the high end of all things
Our path, parted pass as our slate became clean
.
Through years, minor discretions began to cause tension
Few tears, minded infection soon ran pausing suspension
Who's hear, binded conceptions on hand flawing our mention
True fear, lying directions demands love's swift intervention
.
Why me, questions linger as I ponder the thought
Try sleep, stressing brings up the somber we brought
I weap, confessions seems ta wander the moth
Sadly, burn's dreams up in the flames it is caught
.
You first, self prepared for the pained shared and endured
Loud burst, wealth declared though fame is bare'd and unpure
Word's worth, health compared yes the pain is insured
Truth hurts, stealth's aware pain for pain here's your cure
.
.
He slit's her throat....and jabb's the dagger in his heart
They now reside together in heaven for no one could cheat now...

[Forum]

Linkage
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=317321

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=317481

[~MVL~]

word i like this peace fam you really have a lot of good flowing lines in here, the imagery is pretty good i can imagine alot of things you were talking about, your vocabulary was pretty strong here could have used a little more wordplay not much though if i were to rate this OM i would prolly give it a 7.5/10 or 8/10, keep on working mayne.

[Relli_Mak]

I like this one..I definitely like the multi's used throughout the entire verse..good vocab I must say...only thing that had me "hmm..." a bit, was a times the imagery of the story wasn't clear..seemed like u filled some lines with words that just rhymed..but overall, mos def a classic piece..besides being lost in certain spots, it was impeccable..gets a 9/10 from me..good work, kinfolks..

[P. Mortuus]

This was an aight piece..your rhymeschem styloe was in the limlight in this piece, first for being good and then for becoming too repetitive...i see how you rhyming and it's too regemented in my opinion, loosen the multies/inners up a bit and let the flow be more fluid as it feels restrictricted whilst reading it get me. Your vocab was good for this piece and kept it pace with the flow..i didn't have much issue with word placement so yeah that's good. Topic was aigth, been done before image tied in well though the murder weapon should have been something else as i doubt the red indians or tribal people used guns at that time. However, i liked this in totality but it can be improved so yup, carry on improving and striving. Stay up^.

[mc pyro.]

holy shit!!! i loved this peice i read it twice it was that good loved the topic kinda mellow and soothing at the beggining but u twisted it all around at the end with he slit her throat that made it a little more intense the flow was great i could hear this song over a beat it had a real rhythem and vibe to it the wordplay was perfect along with the rhyme scheme nto sure what to label it as put it was excellent 10/10 best peice ive read in a while cant wait to see more from you
leave feed on my om past present future

[Forum]

appreciate the feed everyone...if you have link's they will be hit ....bumpidy bump

[Quest.]

ight....good rhymes and multis in this.....structure was meh could have been better....there was a lil bit of emotion and this.....and the detail was ok...i think u could have went more indept wit the detail.....vocab was so so...prolly could have used better vocab.....but all and all good drop
-Quest.

[Ascend]

This was a pretty good piece man. I was feelin' the flow loads and loads...Then slightly less as I progressed through with the repetitve rhyme scheme but found it nice you could still keep in constant for what you did with it. The plot was a bit confusing but it became clearer to me the more I read. The vocab. was nice and Imagery was also, and of course, Multies pwned. Lol. Nice drop, keep up. 7.5/10

Hit the Last link in my sig when ya get a chance by the way. Thanks.

[Forum]

appreciate the feed. keep it comin...

[Tragedian.]

Very nice, one of your best, Vocab was not simple at all but you didn't over due it with "big words" to make your self look smart, had some very nice multies, flow was nice all through the whole drop,and the way you came to the topic was very creative the picture at the end made it look very nice. good shit keep up and you can win hof soon.

[Messiah.]

This was an decent piece...like baron said id have to say your rhymescheme was the main part of this piece...your vocab was good for this piece and your flow ran along nicely...your precision was decent...this isnt the best piece ive seen under this title/name but its a good piece nonetheless...overall decent piece stay up.

[~Mansin~]

this was kind of confusing to me as i thought your closer
threw the peice a little, as to me it doesnt make sense
that he would slit her throat, as to kill someone that way
is an act of hate, malice, and aggression, and in the same
sentence suggest they are some how in what i assume would
be first nations equivallent to heaven, though im glad that
you chose the woman as adulterer, as the men often traded
up or had numerous squalls, which for me made the piece more
beleivable, i think your language may have been a little advanced
for the error and character you were trying to portray, i know
thats minor, but i would have loved a little bit of natural or
stereotypical speech, your flow was pretty good, your metas
were nice, i thought the emotion in the argument was the
best verse, and it was overall pretty solid,no doubt you got skillz
keep rippin those scriptz RTF hit the link

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=316236

[Stephen Mayfield]

You first, self prepared for the pained shared and endured
Loud burst, wealth declared though fame is bare'd and unpure


favorite lines.....this shit was real descriptive, i really enjoyed reading this, the imagery, the way you put it together, the words to bring forth something that really needed said, and something that i truly understand....thanx for the read.


rtf if possible

[Constance]

ot one of your best but still an 7.5/10 compared to the stuff you've done in the past, the topic itself was creative and the storyline was kind've bland, I can't say I liked the rhyme scheme i this oe that much, but the imagery and emotion was above par and you were kind've off ad o with the complexity like

.

We laughed, as feelings surpassed like into love's scene
Our past, healings grasped beauty as if spreaded dove wing's
This grasp, charted graph's on the high end of all things
Our path, parted pass as our slate became clean

- and -

.
Why me, questions linger as I ponder the thought
Try sleep, stressing brings up the somber we brought
I weap, confessions seems ta wander the moth
Sadly, burn's dreams up in the flames it is caught

^simple^

The line starts, once introduced I knew where were headed
Combined hearts, simple proof of the love we embedded
Refined remarks, templed truth roofed by intricate emotions
Defined art, we are together drawn mutual feelings and eloping

- and -

You first, self prepared for the pained shared and endured
Loud burst, wealth declared though fame is bare'd and unpure
Word's worth, health compared yes the pain is insured
Truth hurts, stealth's aware pain for pain here's your cure

your vocab seems an bit complexed i thoose areas, oly thing I didn't really like about this peace was the cliches but besides that the flow was alright and metas were nice and good use of multis,overall good/ok peace.