Patterns

[.Alphonse]

-Patterns-


Tides draw in.. The perfect setting, sea crying on land..
Dying in sand- young men just cover their eyes with their hands..
Freedom is banned- gun shots smash through skulls..
Sun blots dead bodies.. Hearts cease passion.. The hatred’s too full..
Numb fingers pull triggers.. emotion cleaned from hearts..
Killing in the name of…? Their devotion deceiving their smarts..
They fall apart- barely men, but a life full of memories imbedded in heads..
Legs shredded and bent.. sunburst patterns of life too soon to be bled..
If only instead, voices could have overrun all this violence..
Even silence has a larger presence than this.. someone just lost control of their guidance..
Bright like the trident.. Angel’s rise.. to skies- through the smoke to the white..
Made bright by so many young lives supplying the nights..
In sight, is freedom.. turn guns on selves, escape by biting bullets..
You might see them.. haunting the horizon like fighting for breath in your gullet..
Sit and mull it.. every grain of sand in hands.. is another life spent..
So life fulfill it, for these men died, so that futures are kept, and the torture relents.

[.Alphonse]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=317896
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=317670

[Tragedian.]

well there is alot of room to elevate i have seen your text and your alot better at it, your vocab was pretty simple and basic you couldve made it a bit more complex, flow was off at some lines but then nice on others you need to sort that out, your structre was pretty bad i know it don't matter but it wasnt all that to turn me onto your peice, though you did nice with coming creative. keep up and hit my new om.

[Evolve]

I got the gist of the piece. You just need to work on the flow a little better. The structure is fine as long as u get the flow to correspond with the structure. I was kind of choppy. But overall it was decent and you definately got potential man. Peace.

[~Mansin~]

i think you got to sort out your structure, and tbh it only flowed
well a couple of times in the whole piece, work on that, your
multis were descent in some plces a lil forced in others but i
can see your close to getting them sorted,id say some of your
ideas were good though the wording could have been better,
im not saying this outta hate, its just you need to work on
a few things, to help you elevate, my best advice is prolly
have a little patience fam, hone your craft...i see you got
potential...keep rippin those scripts...peace

[Try U MPH]

Nice drop bro... I love the topic also... I actually liked your vocab in this piece its just the structure, which wasnt too bad, if tweaked would make the multies flow better and make the piece that much better... keep up the good work man. One Love

[.Alphonse]

good looking famz...
... i'll mos def get at ya'll pieces
RiSE

[<Supreme>]

This was an alrite piece...your vocab was a bit simple and i feel it could have been more complex. Your flow was nice, but, however it was slightly inconsistent. Your structure wasn't very good, but i dont reli pay attention to that when im writing, so dont pay alot of attention to that, but with text, try to work on the visual structure. Your creativity was good in this piece

can u hit up my new om (Society's Child) plz
peace

[.Alphonse]

Rise more feeds ....
drop a link and i'll hit it up

[ILLEGAL CONCEPT]

this was ok, but still kind of weak

[S.K.O.R.C.H]

Not bad Alp, the flow was aight, and the vocab u were a little light on upgrading, but overall a pretty fair piece. Keep droppin, -1- 5/10

[.Alphonse]

....Thanks for the feeds
RiSE

[Engivale]

I can see the potential in this, abstract as it may be. You are not new to rhyming, I mean, I can tell you're still trying to get your grasp on how you want to write, but you're doing pretty good... the flow aspect is there, it's just really perfecting it at the beginning of lines as much as the end... you do a good job of tying one line to the next and keeping a flow going, sometimes you lose it and I don't think you realize it because you're trying to switch it up, but I think you need to write to a beat a bit better to know when to stop and start... The topic is kind of nothing, you're just kind of writing metaphors and flowing, but that's cool, the topical shit comes. Nice little drop, keep writing I'll be checking in on the progress...

Hit the link in my sig when you get time. Stay up.

[.Alphonse]

Thanks man... i'll sure chekk on your piece

RiSE....

[Ascend]

Nice little piece here. I liked the multies in the beginning and I believe that was your strong point. Throughout you kept it decent, with room for improvement. The vocab was okay for me, but I'd have to say the main thing that urked me was the "Bright like Trident" line. I didn't like that. The emotion was a definate here and I believe this piece would have been much better if you could have just worked on your wordplay a bit. The structure seemed off but wasn't as bad as people are saying I don't believe, just make sure you have that count right, (Something I'd found out not too long ago, Lol). You're not half bad man, elevate a lil' more though. Keep up.

And check out 'Battle of the Sexes' in my sig. People won't feed me, damnit.