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Thread: Behind Bars.

  1. November 20th, 2006, 12:51 PM #1
    Tragedian.
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    Behind Bars.


    Lived It.
    Burning sensations going through my arm
    Turning Frustration flowing to cause harm
    Weight on my back is getting out of hand
    Fate drawn on a plaque, betting it’s planned
    Scream in pain, begging just to be released
    Stream of ripped skin, veins & it starts to increase
    Left of me, have yet to know, still I stay for more
    Thefts of the free, forget a show, fulfill & lay in sores
    Sit & pray, as I heal & feel the cuts, there’s no remorse
    Quit it seems gray, the steel shuts, no pay, work by force
    Stuck behind bars, as the wounds open and bleed
    Luck blind as daylight stars, I cope n try to plead
    Just want out, try to hide my fear & try to act fine
    Must shout, deny the side tears, why must I do time
    I feel a tear or two drip down the side of my face
    Its real fear, on a trip…no so why am I in this place?

    Empire
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  2. November 20th, 2006, 12:52 PM #2
    Tragedian.
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    Re: Behind Bars.

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=316794
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=316830
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=316706
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=316707
    Last edited by Tragedian.; November 20th, 2006 at 12:55 PM
    Empire
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  3. November 20th, 2006, 12:58 PM #3
    ILLEGAL CONCEPT
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    Re: Behind Bars.

    this was good, i liked it soso, it was short and u rushed it in the middle throught, the first two barz were multis
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  4. November 20th, 2006, 02:40 PM #4
    Forum
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    Re: Behind Bars.

    This was coo...Dj.. I see that your wording is getting better and you're finally grasping that vocab concept I've been stressing to you for the longest....With that in tack prepare for a much more elaborate drop....you're structure was good and syllable count is always pretty even....this was good but not your best though I could see advancement....just keep writing more and using that vocab to sustain the emotion...


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  5. November 20th, 2006, 08:46 PM #5
    Tragedian.
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    Re: Behind Bars.

    Thanks Homos .
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  6. November 21st, 2006, 04:38 PM #6
    Tragedian.
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    Re: Behind Bars.

    upp.
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  7. November 21st, 2006, 05:27 PM #7
    NiNjah Red
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    Re: Behind Bars.

    nice vocab and tite rythym in this piece. a bit short maybe.......... rhymes was decent/good.internal crafting was poeticaly tight........ imagery was quite graphic actualy ......... yeah structure was tite as well. looks like certain poems i dealt with. giving a shape effect to the format.....

    piece was nice still. i would of liked to see maybe another chapter to it though..


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  8. November 22nd, 2006, 12:08 AM #8
    T lite
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    Re: Behind Bars.

    Favorite lines:
    Scream in pain, begging just to be released
    Stream of ripped skin, veins & it starts to increase

    It was pretty cool, nothin' too complex, but still enough to get by ya know.

    Keep it up!
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  9. November 22nd, 2006, 11:56 AM #9
    Ascend
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    Re: Behind Bars.

    Aight drop, though a bit short.

    Burning sensations going through my arm
    Turning Frustration flowing to cause harm
    Weight on my back is getting out of hand
    Fate drawn on a plaque, betting it’s planned
    ^That was prolly your best bars right there, mainly because of the multi's and such. The emotion kinda outweighed the wordplay on this piece though you did well to keep it up to par. Vocab was pretty good and imagery was descent too. Overall I have to say it looks really neat, if only this were just a bit longer...Still though, you kept a constant flow and meta's were here and there so good job. Keep up.
    -Insert Sig-


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  10. November 24th, 2006, 08:25 PM #10
    Thomas Bites
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    Re: Behind Bars.

    Very nice
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