Just A Black Boy

[Cyrious]

Will post up soon


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=309707
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=309330

[P. Mortuus]

I see wheer your standpoint is with this short verse. There was an attempt and use of inners etc which made the flow better at parts though many or atleast certain parts of your lines were very, very awkard. The main culprit line being:

And grasping women and little girls body parts

I mean i see that this kid won't know about them or maybe doesn't want to say the parts out of disgust/horror, but you need to revise that line as it really takes the whole vibe and changes it and makes this whole piece more simpler than it is. Another thing is your rhymescheme, i personally have used this rhymescheme for the majority of my pieces however, like i'v been told i'll tell you, this rhymescheme leaves the writer in a handicap of the reader being able to predict the next line/rhyme, which really downgrades a piece. Lastly, i believe if you start to use different rhymeschemes or start to incorporate this rhymescheme with others your pieces will become more interesting and grasping. Also, try using advance imagery as in Intense description, clever, abstract metaphors and use personification to. As these would help create a more complex and intriguing piece.

Check my poem, "Things in Life" if you can
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=309501

[Cyrious]

Thanks for the feed Pak, ill try in use those examples, i juust havent done OM's for awhile, but thanks, and ill hit up your piece in a lil bit.

[Witty]

This was decent, a bit short though. But you did write a nice peice here dude. I liked the emotion and your imagery was very good. I have never seen you write anything before as far as I can remember, but after this I definitely want to read more, and watch you elevate. Nice shit dude, keep elevating. Hit me up anytime you need feed.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...31#post5142731
rtf

[Cyrious]

Thanks man, ill tryin leave you feed in a lil while....

[Cyrious]

bump

[lyricialprincess]

Dat sum real shit right der u got heart u got heart
much luv
Jossalyn
aka
lyricalprincess
holla

Just A Black Boy

Just a child, harassed by others not of my race
In a place where the colors of peoples face
Aren’t the same, calling me by different names
I feel ashamed, always blamed for things
I didn’t do, wiped with wires and slave buyers
Pleasing themselves by sexually harassing mothers
And grasping women and little girls body parts
With no concern how they feel in their hearts
Women apart from their sons and daughters
Children not being with their mothers and fathers
“You dumb Nigger, come here” I always hear
Those words I fear, you think there only mere
What’s the meaning for the hatred of my color?
I haven’t done anything to you or any others
I’m not a pet or puppet in the hands of a white man
But I am a black boy in a world where whites stand

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=309707
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=309330

[Cyrious]

Ok

Bump...