twisted mind

[GrimmyReaps]

Twisted Mind

Peer pressure is persuading him the temptation is comin un to him
picks up the pipe and fills it to the brim...Thinkin as he pulls out the last stem
lights it then inhales and exhales but first he waits with his breath held
his mind is in its own hell...confused as it loses information it withheld
he was once a smart kid, a straight A student, but now hes thrown his life away
cuz now his mind is racing trying to figure out what is this that was just seen for the first day
The poisonous smog thats invading his dome cuz its taking the thoughts that it once owned
the kid gets into a car to crusie with his niggas cuz he knows he cant go home
hes feeling emotions he never felt before all the while his brain is losing it stability
chillin as they roll up a sweet he dosent know that hes killin himself willinly
His mind is sending him singnals telling him please no more...but he has to be cool
he wants to fit in hes never had freinds in his life his mom made importance out of school
6Th grade just a young soul dosent comprehend it now but hes sealing his fate today
adolencent life is full of time and essence and hes just throwing it all away
he beleves hes making the right decesion cuz his eyes are veiled with lies
his brain is getting demolished...as he hits the sweet again it slowly make him die
the effects may not show up for decades but they'll catch up in some time
as he gets declined from work you have no money so your pinchin nickels and dimes
or as weed elevated to crack so now your mind is diffrent it is now split
the part that still says no more, and the part that still makes you splif
the all consuming power of the addicts mind it kills to feed its hunger
if he would have listen to the other mind he woulda been a champion lunger
but now he has 3 diffrent types of cancer and hes now dying slow
now he knows what his mind felt like when he was smoking and doin blow
he dies at 36 so young but so dumb he went the wrong way about things
made idiotic decisions in life so now he dies with no wings
he made his own predictions decived his own mind
wouldnt face the truth so he ended up just flating his own line

[GrimmyReaps]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=306818
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=306821

[Tragedian.]

he was once a smart kid, a straight A student, but now hes thrown his life away
cuz now his mind is racing trying to figure out what is this that was just seen for the first day

nice shit man this had me intrested...all the way through...with really nice flow that stayed on point all out....multies were there and were aiight....strutre was nice kinda layed out bad....vocab was ok... a problem was...

lights it then inhales and exhales but first he waits with his breath held
his mind is in its own hell...confused as it loses information it with held

never rhyme like that....that kills intrest right there....but nice shit man keep up..hit up road to glory

[GrimmyReaps]

tks for feed....uppin...and breath held<=2 word...withheld<=1 word...whats wrong with that...

[JDoe]

he beleves hes making the right decesion cuz his eyes are veiled with lies
his brain is getting demolished...as he hits the sweet again it slowly make him die
the effects may not show up for decades but they'll catch up in some time
as he gets declined from work you have no money so your pinchin nickels and dimes
or as weed elevated to crack so now your mind is diffrent it is now split
the part that still says no more, and the part that still makes you splif
the all consuming power of the addicts mind it kills to feed its hunger
if he would have listen to the other mind he woulda been a champion lunger
but now he has 3 diffrent types of cancer and hes now dying slow
now he knows what his mind felt like when he was smoking and doin blow
he dies at 36 so young but so dumb he went the wrong way about things
made idiotic decisions in life so now he dies with no wings
he made his own predictions decived his own mind
wouldnt face the truth so he ended up just flating his own line

*This Part Was The Best Part To The End...Keep Up The Great Work...

[GrimmyReaps]

not very good feed bur ok...

[f-gee]

Honestly, this wasn't a very good piece.
I struggled to finish this, the story has been told a thousand times and you didn't put any originality into the topic.

You have the ideas but you don't know how to apply them to paper yet in structural sense.

'he was once a smart kid, a straight A student, but now hes thrown his life away
cuz now his mind is racing trying to figure out what is this that was just seen for the first day'

^ That part is just an example, you have other parts like this too.You're being too wordy losing any rhythm that might have built up to that point and also the second line struggles to say what you want it to say.
The whole piece missed a bounce, the imagery wasn't anywhere and it didn't reall flow.Most of it's down to word choice but you'll pick it up the more you write.

the all consuming power of the addicts mind it kills to feed its hunger
if he would have listen to the other mind he woulda been a champion lunger

^Try not to repeat same words (mind) in a couplet, unless for effect.
And the lunger was forced, totally out of place. at no point in the story does your writing relate to a 'lunger', someone that lunges as in lunging a horse for exercise.

This may seem like i'm tyring to pick apart your work but trust me take it as positive criticism. Keep writing, read and you'll improve a great deal.

[Dyl]

Ok i'll be honest with you.I did not like this piece at all.The rhymes seemed forced and the flow was off in a lot of places.Your structure didn't help th flow either.It fell off a couple of times.As fgee said don't use the same words in a couplet,it doesnt look good and it ruins the flow of the lines.You really need to work on your imagery as your descriptive writing was not very impressive here.Try throwing in a few metas to make this work out.Another thing that I found this piece lacked in was emotion.This story was made for an emotional read (or was it) and I didn't feel it anywhere.Just work on these places and I know you will get better in time.

[GrimmyReaps]

no thats good feed...but that peice is almost a year old...lol i just found it on anoter site in oe of my topical battles and though i see how much ive changed from then to now...lol...this peice is old just wanted to post it...tks...uppin for feed...

[B.I.Detained.]

"Rules & Lessons in Feedback<< LINK.

I HAVE TO BE HARSH ON YOU ALL NOW.
READ THE RULES.
CLOSED.

Reason: Feedback is just far too vague, you never mention the piece
itself, which for me, means you've just skimmed it. Sorry.

-Brix."