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Thread: Struggling

  1. #1
    Beats You.
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Age
    32
    Posts
    324
    Battle Record
    2-5

    Struggling

    Walking towards my life's goal, till I scream and I'm crawling
    Can't continue on this road, everyday my dreams are abolished
    Don't comprehend why they shine & are gettin' acknowledged
    While I'm workin' twice as hard, & stress I aint polished
    Every morning's atrocious, percieve I've awakened in hell
    No ones made me a road to follow, I've had to pave it myself
    Life's a sacrifice, & I won't be explorin' these dreams
    I'm not cared for, they've had my goal torn by the seems
    False ideas beat me down, & almost bring the trigger in
    As opinions spread like wildfire, & each thought is ignorant
    No one sees I'm strugglin, my next action's another sin
    Collapsed from the challenge, satan's went and done me in
    The expectations are too great, I've rose the bar too much
    Pressure has fucked my thoughts & put me far from touch
    I've lost hope, till I recognize my heart's cemented
    Targeted the goal & helped revive my charred intentions
    Brush myself off, dash for someone to examine my health
    Its obvious now, the person needed is the man in myself
    Finally abandon my troubles, & I'm done with this race
    Uplifted spirit, as satisfaction runs through my veins

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  2. #2
    Beats You.
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Age
    32
    Posts
    324
    Battle Record
    2-5

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  3. #3
    Aged Like Fine Wine
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Amongst Dopeness
    Posts
    7,952
    Battle Record
    18-17
    i know links r comin so


    welll i liked ur flow it was good u had a creative thyme skeme also.....it was intreaging...your vocab was nice to...well this was a pretty good om...not the best but good...i liked the topic and u pulled it in to a deep though and u gave a good imaginary picture that came with ur verse....so keep it up...

    rtf in sig

  4. #4
    Born from Ink Spekz.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Age
    36
    Posts
    3,184
    Battle Record
    37-24
    Agreed, you had a nice flow..your rhymescheme was pretty good...but sometimes you let it wonder..and that produced some bad wording (which is all good....cuz i have the same problem) your vocab was not bad..coudl of used some different words to give it a bit of spice..nothing to serious imo. Imagery lacked a bit...i think if u can tie in good emotion with imagery..you can make a reader forget about ur technical writing...u had some ok emotion..and some ok imagery...and ur tech writing..was ok...overall it was a pretty good piece, that was up'd by ur flow.

    good work..keep up.
    Succeed Without Fear



    Written Voices

  5. #5
    Beats You.
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Age
    32
    Posts
    324
    Battle Record
    2-5
    Thnx, uppin'

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  6. #6
    Beats You.
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Age
    32
    Posts
    324
    Battle Record
    2-5
    Up 2

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  7. #7
    Beats You.
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Age
    32
    Posts
    324
    Battle Record
    2-5
    Uppin', give some feed

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  8. #8
    Beats You.
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Age
    32
    Posts
    324
    Battle Record
    2-5
    Upp 4

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