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Thread: The Effects of a Death

  1. #1
    TNL Clee's Avatar
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    The Effects of a Death

    Death isn’t as simple…

    He was slain, in deep vein, by an enemy of a sort
    The pain, will remain, as witness’s step in court
    The mother will sob, as does the press will mob
    The children were robbed, wives emotions lobbed
    The killer is thrilled but his heart milled by what he killed
    As he steps to the family, regret is what he’s been filled
    The circle of effects, has a depth of mixed opinions
    When there’s a death, some say its Satan’s minions


    A Mothers’ Loss

    Tick-tock, the clock goes with the rhythm of her crying
    The shock, has rocked the mother who is now dying
    Remembrances of past times, reading nursery rhymes
    Hearing the church chimes, with the victim of the crime
    Nursing, and cursing, her son throughout his life
    Coercing, and dispersing a sense of healthy advice
    Forever, bad weather will hang above like a cross
    The endeavor of the killer triggers A Mothers’ Loss


    A Press’ Gain

    Reports to the station, with no patience they move
    To tell the nation of the carnation, a reputation to prove
    They need the story, with no worries of who they hurt
    They strive glory, with Tory politics, words they blurt
    Scenarios modified, without confusion, or any debate
    Tragedies idolized, a tale fusion, served on a silver plate
    The main thing, is to get a story, whether it be sun or rain
    The great pain caused by a killer, signifies A Press’ Gain


    A Children’s Burden

    No more loving kiss goodnight from their beloved father
    Their world shattered, brain cells battered why even bother
    Paternal guidance missing, eternal subsidence beginning
    External morals are shed, a nocturnal life starts spinning
    A father’s absence has a great consequence like no other
    A bad reputation deemed upon the been, being smothered
    Life changing pattern, ranging an effect like it was Verdun
    The destruction by a killer, creates a Children’s Burden


    A Wives Heart

    The man she couldn’t live without, with doubt, slaughtered
    A hand she wouldn’t forget about makes her eyes watered
    The day she married him, she has been marry all along
    The way he carried her, makes this crime even more wrong
    The financial problems, worsen as the days keep moving
    The substantial sentimental value is an even greater losing
    Darts of memories, in her mind, keep tearing her apart
    Shards of a convicted killer just break A Wives Heart


    A Lives Conclusion

    And so with this burial, a killer is pinned with a label
    A Wife is unable to put food for her children on the table
    A mother remembers her son, and all of their history
    A society of deprived emotions press delivers a mystery
    A God foresees his people, in their lethal environment
    He counts down the years, like he has a time for retirement
    The breath of another person taken away, and put to rest
    So concludes the shocking tale of “The Effects of a Death”


    …As you may think

  2. #2

  3. #3
    TNL Clee's Avatar
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    upp.

  4. #4
    TNL Clee's Avatar
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    upping.

  5. #5
    . . . Tragedian.'s Avatar
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    wow man way to long of a read thats why u aint getting any feed cause ppl are lazy...but this was fuckin amazing trust...the flow was on poiint thru out the whole drop..the multies were fuckin crazy....your layout for strutre was fuckin nice maybe 2 strectched lines tahts it....the topic was really nice kinda played but when its as creative as this...its not played the least bit....really nice drop man ...im impressed with this...hit up an om or 2 in my sig there most pretty short...thanks if u do.
    Empire

  6. #6
    TNL Clee's Avatar
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    thanks...i'll rtf

  7. #7
    TNL Clee's Avatar
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    bump.

  8. #8
    TNL Clee's Avatar
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  9. #9
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Masta Shake's Avatar
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    Wasnt bad man,the emotion in this was great~~

    I give 8/10

    Tick-tock, the clock goes with the rhythm of her crying
    The shock, has rocked the mother who is now dying~~

    ~~Best lines~~
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    Ima money usa....stealin money from you loosa..

  10. #10
    You've Earned a Custom Title! The Vortex's Avatar
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    yeah this was very good. loooooooong. but still ill. rhymes was nice in and out.vocab was dope..imagery was mos def there........... rythym n flow was tite... wording was fluent........... wordplay was there..... hadf sum good emotinal spots..... a couple of lines seemed a little off-worded for sake of say a word or 2. but all in all was tite ass drop. . structure and format was held together well.......
    yeah delivery was dope

    stay poppin

    1
    .................................................. ......................

  11. #11
    TNL Clee's Avatar
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    thanks for feed Vortex.

    upp.

  12. #12
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    apologies on me taking so long to rtf and all...but yeah this is LONG, however after reading it i can say it was worth the few moments. I liked your imagery especially the description aspect as it always paints a good picture in the readers mind and yes the images were quite vivivd. It was a fluent piece though i found patchiness in parts and all...however i didn't see no major wrongings which is always good. Overall i liked this piece and yeah, flow on.
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  13. #13
    even thoough it was long i read it all and i enoyed. your flow and structure was on point and so was your vocab overall a nice piece man keep it up

    peace

  14. #14
    TNL Clee's Avatar
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    thanks for feed.

    bump.

  15. #15
    Talent. Omega.'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pakaveli
    apologies on me taking so long to rtf and all...but yeah this is LONG, however after reading it i can say it was worth the few moments. I liked your imagery especially the description aspect as it always paints a good picture in the readers mind and yes the images were quite vivivd. It was a fluent piece though i found patchiness in parts and all...however i didn't see no major wrongings which is always good. Overall i liked this piece and yeah, flow on.

    i agree here...you had nice emotoin but great visual addies aspects in this piece overall herre and there ya know which is good!...you painted a good picture in the readers thoughts and you had very well done usage of wording which made it even more well written and a even nicer job in reading which is good.

    keep writing man and keep it up

    RTF on the link in my sig called i saw her
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