Behind

[Les Aleus]

As the war continues I'm scared
and pray to the lord that i'm spared
because i find myself beind enemy lines
and the opponent is firing with nines
their coming closer with the bayonets
and their cursing and yelling threats
placing bets on who can kill the most
they kill my comrade and start to boast
i play dead as they come in my direction
kickin and stabbin bodies as an inspection
i erect from my position and fire
shot two and ran into the barb wire
i hear shot behind me in the distance
I ran in any direction over resistance
than I hide inside some bushes waiting
my thoughts wonder and i start debating
my vision is fading as i go unconscious
i hear alot of question with no responses
i open my eyes and i see the enemy
the one i shot and he said remember me
put a gun the my head and started to laugh
and as soon as I was goin to feel his wrath
My Troops came in and many shots were fired
as the smoke cleared so did my life expired


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...70#post4794770
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...84#post4794784

[$oulja Redz]

this wasnt a completely bad piece, but it wasnt great
you had good story line, u should have continued and mad the story more complex
the topic u chose was a good one, some advice center ur piece, it helps the flow
ur a good story teller just read sum more pieces and you'll learn how to put those skillz in good use

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...99#post4794899
^mind hittin mine up good looks

[moneyonmymind]

it seemed like you were sayin stuff that rhymed just to make it make sense half of it

you really need to work on the flow

try to write it while you listenin to a beat

[Les Aleus]

werd lol

[Les Aleus]

^^^^

[-IsIs-]

Again. this piece was decent. I liked the other one more personally. you will keep elevating and gettin better as time progresses i know it. but one tip for better work..instead of droppin a verse, with lines that have only the last line rhyming, make it the last two lines rhyme..example..

It seems nowadays, hip-hop has LOST RESPECT,
i've SQUASHED THE CHECKS, so now its time to OFF THERE NECKS.
(line from my o.m, It Seems peep it if you get a chance)

and also. try switching up the rhyme scheme more often. instead of just having the scheme go, A,a,b,b,cc,dd,ee and so on. have it go sometin like a,b,a,b,c,b,c..ya know. maybe not in that order but just switch it up. itll help elevate. keep droppin yo. you got potential.

[Les Aleus]

dogg peep Stuck in Water
i use different schemes man i don't stick with one usally

[Omega.]

this was a decent piece though i say broaden your horizon on vocab and more detail and defined emotion ya feel me?!..

i hear shot behind me in the distance
I ran in any direction over resistance
than I hide inside some bushes waiting
my thoughts wonder and i start debating
my vision is fading as i go unconscious
i hear alot of question with no responses
i open my eyes and i see the enemy
the one i shot and he said remember me
put a gun the my head and started to laugh
and as soon as I was goin to feel his wrath
My Troops came in and many shots were fired
as the smoke cleared so did my life expired
^^
this was a good part but thats it..

your rhymescheme was basic and your wording was kinda wrong and shit but its decent work on elevating on your writing overall in emotion and metaphors along with multies. choose the right place to put a definiotion

RTF on any of the links in my sig

[Les Aleus]

werd

[Omega.]

i would prefer the last link in my sig picture perfect..