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Thread: From Dream To Dream

  1. #1
    A-D-X
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    From Dream To Dream

    Gold..Teacher

    Death is useless? There are exceptions to this
    people lose movement for the movement of revolutions


    The last thing I hear before the ugly starts
    the rumblings part blood and only guns bring heart
    one guy's off to a running start, but sometin happens
    and other guns remark in the same fashion
    red-suited troops, but in the midst of insane clashin
    the other team's clothes turned into the same fashion
    even after this day's passin, the pain is lastin
    others have the same passions and cause chain reactions

    Are humans capable of independance?
    or will nature devour it?
    Some individuals win the merits
    so they can overpower it
    Is this a human race to disgrace
    and exterminate a human race?


    I do all the work and masta still abuse his slaves
    His son's a red-suited troop layin blue to waste
    lookin at my foodless tray, all I can do is pray
    and hope humankind will soon end its cruelest ways

    and is a camp the newest name
    for links of life with few in place?


    Now I lay face first, not sure what the day is, I feel the paper
    My conscienceness fadin, roll my head and the page turns

    I can smell flames burn, did I fade into the world of Satan?
    Now I gotta say sure, to stay alert so I can make it
    These demons of satan stripped my relatives naked
    Hunger pains are so bad, I'm seein skeletons shakin
    I figure hell is awaitin, so I can fight and be proud to lose!
    So I charge yellin in anger...

    Since when are you allowed to snooze?

    Half the class laughs, i'm not embarrassed
    American history class asleep on my textbook
    and I wake up to see half the class black
    a couple stars of David, I can say in fairness
    From now on I'ma make sure these nightmares is cherished
    Notarized Perfectionism

  2. #2

  3. #3
    Soule
    Guest
    I didnt see much internals but the wordplay was ok. The flow was good throught the begining that middle was ok but the end was bleh . The structre was meh. Didnt care much for the creativty. But the imagery was good. The story itself was good. I really liked it. Keep up the work and stay active in the crew. 8-10 Keep it up.

    ~LeX

  4. #4
    Hellavated
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    Hmm good job verbal.. this isnt the best work i've seen from you but still it was pretty good... the topic of slavery was kinda played, but u layed it out in such a unique way so that it turned out absolutely amazing. The rhymes and multis were all good.. all the rhymes were complex and difficult and u managed to multi most of your lines. The flow was consistent throughout the whole piece, although i do advise you to really put more effort on your structure in the next piece you do. Wordplay and metaphors were decent in this piece, actually they were pretty good i saw quite a few in there... Your imagry was okay, but not top notch, it could have been improved with a more intelligent vocabulary... next piece try and use more descriptive words to really set an atmosphere around your piece and develop the scene in the readers mind... One of your strong points i thought in this piece was your emotion. i saw that you were passionate about wut u were writing about and it really shined..

    all in all good work my man, keep on writing. if you have a moment leave feed on my new OM featuring Issue, I Want To Walk The Stage.. also, get at me 4 a collab i think it's about time we did 1.
    I.J.L Reppin
    Tatt And Blue Perhaps You Knew

  5. #5
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    This was an enjoyable read...i liked the flow in parts which was aided due to the use of multies..topic was presented in a good way though your vocab and language stopped it from being thought provoking. Yes it was informative and make me picture images at parts but with you concentrating on multies too much the atmosphere of a topical wasn't created.
    All in all a good topical but you know your standards are higher, no probs though i just wanna see you drop your usual better stuff.
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  6. #6
    A-D-X
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    upp......
    edit. thanks for the feed leave links i`ll get to it
    Last edited by [©Merked You®]™; July 20th, 2006 at 01:57 PM
    Notarized Perfectionism

  7. #7
    Soule
    Guest
    Say thankyou basterd

    EDIT: Damn Right
    Last edited by Soule; July 20th, 2006 at 01:58 PM

  8. #8
    Is a ninja Lauren.'s Avatar
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    interesting piece, you chose a pretty decent topic. Good flow, decent rhyming, vocab was pretty good, but the thing that stood out the most was the imagery that you used. I really got into this piece and it kept my attention. Favorite lines:

    red-suited troops, but in the midst of insane clashin
    the other team's clothes turned into the same fashion

    Overall decent piece

  9. #9
    A-D-X
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    thanks upp
    Notarized Perfectionism

  10. #10
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Oy bloodz go check the WV colab and leave comments:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=302133
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  11. #11
    A-D-X
    Join Date
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    upp
    Notarized Perfectionism

  12. #12
    Talent. Omega.'s Avatar
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    this was a nice read.
    though it felt not really intact with emotion and the story line was meh...off and on my dude. your voacb was nice and mutlies but the emotion was slacked


    I can smell flames burn, did I fade into the world of Satan?
    Now I gotta say sure, to stay alert so I can make it
    These demons of satan stripped my relatives naked
    Hunger pains are so bad, I'm seein skeletons shakin
    I figure hell is awaitin, so I can fight and be proud to lose!
    So I charge yellin in anger...

    Since when are you allowed to snooze?

    Half the class laughs, i'm not embarrassed
    American history class asleep on my textbook
    and I wake up to see half the class black
    a couple stars of David, I can say in fairness
    From now on I'ma make sure these nightmares is cherished


    ^^
    was nice i like the ending it caught me so nice

    decent

    RTF on the first or last link in my sig
    Insane Joker Lyricists


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  13. #13
     
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    this was nice..ni ce mettas and wordplay in it
    i liked this piece alot wit da flow
    keep it up..you doin good..overall=8.6/10..
    nice vocab also..



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  14. #14
    A-D-X
    Join Date
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    uppin....
    Notarized Perfectionism

  15. #15
    A-D-X
    Join Date
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    Battle Record
    5-1
    upp
    Notarized Perfectionism

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