The Waste Land

[Jon]

The Waste Land


I battled plenty years, to what is now quite populated with dwellings
Through rattling tears, through the eyes of many who's were swelling
No pieced reached, just many deaths a plenty, blood in humans hand
The wasteland, teach to children, and not understanding mans plan.
Now years have passed, and I’m just a veteran in the house next door.
But in different contrast, the world is fighting itself in its new own war.
Children running about the streets, with no shoes in their bare feet,
Women getting beat, but people choose to help the worlds discrete.
The future of our children’s soul all depends on the action we behold.
But for now, the rumors being told; the wasteland is already exposed.
Slang from gang bangers, holding them back like they’re in chains.
Bullying occurs often, and the victimized kids are being blamed.
Its lame how this world we fought over is now turned to this place.
All of this, its all a problem, and its started to replace the human race.
So this is to all, who love this lovely world, it’s really is a disgrace.
But to me, it will always be, the beloved memory that went to waste.

[Jon]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....php?p=4351538
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...19#post4351619

[Poeta Demonio]

Very nice topic, at the risk of sounding emo i really felt the topic on a personal level!... The thing that stood out most to me was the interlect used to create the piece, it wasn't just another dumb story with such words as 'homie' and 'dawg'... it appealed to me as it was well writen and thought out, Your structure was very well placed and in tact, almost audio style... the rhyme scheme was very good, you used a more complex scheme than the usual 1-2 rhyme scheme, i'm glad to see that people are starting to understand mulitple rhyme schemes and are realising that they don't have to just use a rhyming word at the end of every line, that pretty much made the read as enjoyable as it was in my personal opinion... One thing i think that you could work on is your imagery, remember heavilly descriptive and powerful words are effetive, especially in a topic such as this... but other than that, this was a good read, keep writing and improving man.

Feed on my new om.

[detremental.]

I really liked this piece. The topic was very original and I liked the way you ended it. It was very dramatic imo. I liked the multis and vocab on this. good work man. keep it up. The piece was great.

[kong]

yo i liked this one it was deep i felt it nice use of vocab just overall nice

[Jon]

Uppin.

[Deviate]

I wasn't sure what to expect here.. I've never read any of your work. To be honest it shows through that you're new to OMs, I believe you are a text battler as it is anyway.. Main problem with this piece is that a lot of it doesn't make much sense.. The concentration on getting the right rhyme in place didn't work too well.. Lots of words were out of place, and didn't make much sense. There was repetition of the same thing etc.. My advice is to spend a little more time writing, if you need a word look up it's meaning etc.. Try and set out a solid approach on the topic.. Maybe try a topic that isn't taken so often. Anyway.. This wasn't all bad.. It showed promise.. It's better than half the stuff here..

Sorry if I sounded harsh, just want to help... Please check out my latest piece.. 'One Love'.. Thanks.

[Jon]

Oh, yea, I just started topical writing seriously about 2 months ago, and only have written about 10. I did my first topical about 3 months ago. So yea, Im fairly new to this, and this perticular one was very rushed, I did it in 20 mins. But thanks for the feed any how. Uppin.

[Jon]

Uppidy.

[MISTA GRIM]

I liked this john,

You had a unique choice of words and i thought it was cool. You could elevate on more imagery and emotion..I think you should make your drops longer as well..

When you have a piece that's 15 or so lines long-people expect that 15 lines to be extra dope-not quite the case here...It was nice though-room for improvement too.

~Grim..

[MISTA GRIM]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=288991
leave feed please.

Thanks.....

[Got Soul? ©]

Very creative peice.

Enjoyed the red from start to finish. alot of wisdom used through out this peice. isnt you typical generic topic.
vocab isnt highly technical, but i feel it didnt need to be to get the message across.
good drop.

[Loch Loco]

Very interesting topic and approach, I liked your flow alot however I think the complexity could have been upped a lil bit. Not to say it takes away from the piece but I do think that it could have been more colorful. The emotion was on point wich is always good and the depth was on par with it. Like I said I think all you need to work on is more complex methods and creativity. Other than that I think this is a great OM. Keep droppin'

[Daft]

wrong thread